Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 3

[kml]

Ok Tigerlily -

This is now a hair-on-fire emergency. You need a job, like, yesterday.

As for your R with him - now is not the time for "I told you so" or for sermonizing about how this is why relationships should be sacred. This is just the time to show him that you are a rock in time of troubles, and that you can pull your own weight.

It's a scary pressure for a guy to be the sole support of a family. Show him that if he sticks with you, the two of you together can make it.

Bring him a bare-bones beans-and-rice budget showing how long you can stretch that severance pay if careful. Show him what you can cut (cable?).

COBRA your insurance! I know it costs a lot, but you cannot go without. Or apply TODAY for new coverage while we are still in the extended Obamacare open enrollment. Since you are unmarried and have no income, you should be covered for free or almost.

Since he won't need to take the car to work everyday, arrange to take the car to go on job interviews yourself. If you get a job, you can arrange to buy a beater car with your first paycheck. Your goal is to apply EVERYWHERE possible - blanket that town with resumes and job applications.

Regardless of what happens with him - whether he gets a new job or sinks into a depression, whether he stays with you or goes to the OW - YOU need to be able to take care of YOURSELF and your son. No more dilly-dallying around - you need a job and a car. Period.

[LoisB]

Tiger, I agree with K.

You are in a very precarious position right now.

I know it's scary, but you got this. Push yourself to the edge of your comfort zone...that's where the treasure is waiting.

Giving myself this same advice today.

Love to you,

Heather

P.S. I've used the boards to brainstorm money making ideas. Friends on here have helped me sort out the right direction for earning. Use the boards as a tool.

[Ab Fab]

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It is scary. But now is the time to show everyone what a wonderful woman you are... You cant fix the relationship right now but you can get out there and help yourself with the money situation.

Take a deep breath and keep moving forward. You will get there...

Good Luck

[T-boned]

Hey Tiger - where are you? Been looking for some posts and see nothing. Are you okay?

[tigerlily78]

T-boned, thanks for checking in on me. I am doing pretty well given the circumstances. Surprisingly well maybe?

Thanks kml for all the suggestions, I have jumped on a lot of them.

We had already cut many things back in October. No cable tv or netflix anymore, cut a bunch of features off our home phone line, etc. So we are pretty good there.

I have taken the initiative to go over shopping lists with H and checking the ads and coupons before we go... so we are both on the same page about what is being spent and roughly how much it should cost. I'm being much more strict about the meal planning, so there less waste and no big splurges if I can help it. Saving leftovers and making sure they get used, etc. H has thankfully elected to stop going out to eat like he was, so that will help tremendously.

H seems to be very appreciative and receptive of my efforts.

We have had several really good, productive talks about what OUR plans are to get through this.

I have applied for jobs aplenty... local and online. Hoping SOMETHING will come through. I also followed up with the places I applied at before at Pud's suggestion. Nothing shaking with those places at the moment, but I think I made a good impression and they will think to call me if something opens up.

This afternoon H was here even though he was supposed to be spending the day with the OW on her day off... he came in and initiated about 30 minutes of R talk. At one point he even said, "Maybe there is something wrong with me." I hope my mouth didn't hang open in shock. Clearly he hasn't made any important decisions... but now realizes I'm a really wonderful person and he can't understand why he couldn't see it for awhile.

A few days ago he invited me to start playing a computer game that he plays online as well. So I made and account and practiced. We played for awhile before dinner this evening and had a really fun time.

Monday I think it was, he even called me from Target to ask if there was anything I needed from there while he was running an errand of his own. That was VERY thoughtful and I told him so. I told him a list of the things I could think of. He ended up calling me again before he left just to make sure he hadn't forgotten any of the things I mentioned. I was really impressed.

I feel like the patience and calm under duress is paying off. He is moving a little bit toward me, and I just have to let it happen slowly. Although I must admit it is hard to keep expectations and hope in check sometimes now that he has been so much more consistent in opening up to me and making thoughtful gestures.

[T-boned]

Oh TL, I felt myself breathe a sigh of 'relief' for you in regards to the emotional side of your situation. Nice to have a little respite from what you have been experiencing with him over the last few months.

All the other stuff, the job hunting, the cutting back, etc... that's always stressful, but I think something good is going to come to you for the efforts you've been making.

So glad to hear from you - thanks for the update.

(Just a quickie on mine . . . H sent in the retainment $ for the mediator who wil begin moving the process forward as soon as she gets some signed paperwork from us. And she "looks forward to working with us." Wish I could say the same...Bleck)

Stay strong, my dear. I'm out here rooting for you.

[tigerlily78]

So, just a brief update...

Still hunting for employment myself, that is a bummer.

Playing the computer game has continued since the last time I posted. Having fun, but I also play without him once in awhile when he is not around.

We used to play games together in the first 5 years or so of our relationship, so it feels like there is a little reconnection happening via the gaming. Trying not to have expectations though that it means anything... he is still clearly confused.

He has initiated some talks lately, mostly about his current state of feeling/being and they occasionally dribble into the R area. This tends to happen in our kitchen while I am busy doing something else. He has made some remarks like, "Maybe there is something wrong with me," "I think I realize now I have been depressed since the LAST time I lost my job," "My feelings are very confused right now, I don't know what I want," "I know you are a wonderful and good person, I don't know how I couldn't see it for awhile." I have validated the confusion. Didn't know WHAT to say about "maybe there is something wrong with him" ... I just STFU on that one in the moment.

I live in the South, and we got snow! So it's pretty much been pandemonium for anyone who has to commute. My son spent FIVE hours on the bus yesterday trying to get home from school, so that was not cool.

H apparently started out from OW's house about an hour after the snowfall started and the traffic was already so bad he turned around and went back. I called him when son finally made it home just to let him know he was safe. H was very appreciative of the call and explained how he was bored and lonely and wished he had thought to leave for home before the weather hit. This turned into an hour long phone call.

He said several times that he would have rather been snowed in "at home." I said something along the lines of, "I am sorry you got stuck there when you don't want to be, I wish you would have made it home too." And I dropped a follow up remark that I had a hard time understanding why he wants to be there in general, when its not the place he would prefer to be snowed in at for days. He replied that he knows it really doesn't make much sense... that right now he is just trying to figure out if a life with less responsibility to other people would make him happier. I said that I understood he felt he needed to explore some other options, but from my perspective the current situation was actually causing him to be responsible to MORE people than before, not less.

I left it at that. We talked about the general chaos caused by the weather, his progress in his job search, he ran some ideas across me for updating his blog he uses as a portfolio of his side projects, and some "future plans" he has for things to do for himself to feel more accomplished and focused.

He asked how I spent the day, so I told him. I also mentioned that this morning I woke up having a very sexually intense dream and he was in it. He found that VERY interesting. But since my son was home at that point I didn't go into the details. If H wants to know about it later, he will ask. It looks like the roads are going to be bad until Friday when it finally warms up, so he is going to have plenty of time to be alone with his thoughts over the next few days. I hope it does him some good.

At 12:15am today he sent me an email to let me know he "watched four movies yesterday, alone." I thought the mention that he was alone was sort of funny... I already knew he was alone, otherwise he wouldn't have had the luxury to talk to me on the phone for an hour while OW was away at work. :P He gave me his personal reviews of the movies he watched, at 12:15am. Presumably skulking out to use his laptop while the OW was asleep. In a weird way I kind of feel like there is a role reversal occurring, where now I am the "new, secret, fun thing" and the status quo with OW is just MEH.

I replied nicely when I got the chance that two of the movies he liked are ones I'd like to see too sometime if he can copy them over to my computer sometime. I stuck to the topic of the movies, not the "alone" comment or anything else.

I cleared the drive of snow today, baked a banana bread, spent some quality time with my son, worked on getting my teaching materials together for a merit badge clinic I am teaching this weekend. This is my second year in a row doing it, so I am sure it will be fun. Last year I was pretty nervous about... so that's personal development and progress.

Now the only part that worries me is that I have to get up so darn early on Saturday, when I haven gotten into the bad habit of staying up too late and sleeping in.

[LoisB]

Tiger, I'm glad you checked in. Sounds like you are taking care of you and handling your H really well.

"Maybe there is something wrong with me," "I think I realize now I have been depressed since the LAST time I lost my job," "My feelings are very confused right now, I don't know what I want," "I know you are a wonderful and good person, I don't know how I couldn't see it for awhile." I have validated the confusion. Didn't know WHAT to say about "maybe there is something wrong with him" ... I just STFU on that one in the moment.

I think it's great that he is telling you this stuff and that you are able to STFU. I've never been so good on that point. :-)

[T-boned]

Ya, Tiger, I agree with Lois. Sounds like you are doing really well. Keep it up!

Hey, if you have the titles of some books you referred to on my thread, I'd love to get the list. Thanks!