WANT TO COAST ON FLAT LAND

[Ambivalent]

Got locked for the first time.


Thanks Gabby's,

What I was trying to say is, I understand his need to rant, spew, vent. He has , in his own perception, put himself second, and me and the girls first. So now he is letting it all out. Stomping if you will , on the dead marriage to make sure it never reaches it's arm suddenly from the soft earth to which it was buried. Similar to the hand thrusting itself out of the ground at the end of a horror movie.

Cue the string section playing sharps in a staccato fashion...


When I said "IF" there was...I could listen ..." I meant I could let it roll off my back more.
It is my inner fear that it is all over. He just wants to get rid of me, as if I was a sack of smelly garbage. THAT hurts.

He will never see me for who I was and am. A loving mother, who worked herself to exhaustion trying to meet the needs of our girls. The wife who loved him and tried to be patient, accepting, sexy, and independent. Flawed , oh yes, but always always trying . I'm HIS cheese-less tunnel.

Part of me can see it for what it is, at some moments. Yesterday was just a " Terrible No Good Very Bad Day "

The needing the use of an attorney, the money to retain her, the feelings of pride swallowed, the feelings of deception as I share such intimacies with the attorney, ALL of that is beating me down presently.

His remarks, and perceptions DO make me want to defend myself. I AM a fighter. So for me to swallow and digest his anger and resentment is having an affect on my immune system, and yes it is getting to me psychologically.

I feel guilty that I don't have a job. I feel panic to save the house and my only home. I feel terrified that I'm going to be stuck in a box, crammed in with other strangers, no parking, cars and parking lot as my view. I've been blessed to create the gardens that I have. It was and is my place of escape, release, and meditation. I am tortured by being displaced and fear losing myself in all of this ugliness.

So I don't "take it" for I do not respond. I don't react, externally, he doesn't see what it is doing, but internally it does create angst.

Another part of me knows if he releases this cr-p he's feeling , the sooner he will get through his process. For me it is a need to release, and .. The I want to slap him upside the head, and say " SNAP OUTTA IT ! "

I know , you know, WE ALL KMOW 'taint gonna do no good! Cheese-less tunnel anyone?

[AJM]

Hey Am. I get what you're saying. I've been there. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, something will take me back there. The feeling that they MLCr wants to burn the bridge, stomp on the ashes, beat them into the dirt and then burn them again, is not pleasant after the life that was shared together. It's not. Your feelings? I've had those as well.

Somebody trying to get "free" of a relationship would naturally try to soothe themselves by looking for all the "bad" things in their partner. It's part of the process to disentangle. Why they feel they need to do it? Who really knows? They do. And they put a great deal of effort into it.

It doesn't make the proportions they convey true. It means they feel that way and nothing more. That's humans for ya.

But you can't let it get to the point that it affects you physically. You have to build that wall to protect yourself. You have to reconcile this in yourself and understand that while you were not "perfect" (who is?) you did your best each and every day. He loved you. He liked what you were doing. Until something in him needed to run away.

These are his issues and he needs to deal with them. Your issues you have to deal with.

It's year end/beginning. I was reflecting back a while ago and remembered the day that I realized how hard my ex was trying to vilify me and how much effort it was taking. I'm not perfect; never was. But she went above and beyond to make me out to the be the bad guy. I was walking into work and I stopped and started laughing. People thought I was crazy But the truth is, she tried for a couple of years to make me the reason she felt how she did and made up all kinds of things to support that feeling. That's not crazy - that's self-preservation on her part.

For me? I remember the love we had. I still live in the same house and from time to time I get the opportunity to clean out the "gems" that she left when she hurriedly moved out. It took until after that moment of laughter on my part to be able to do it without emotions. Without feeling the betrayal, the bile, the anger and the lies.

It started with me recognizing it wasn't me, and although there were some grains of truth in some of the things she said, she was blowing it out of proportion to help herself. At first I was sad for her. But after a while, I realized it wasn't something I could help with. I hate it for her and my kids. I almost hate it for the OM she quickly married.

It takes time and perspective, but you cannot let it physically affect you. That cost is too high, Am.

As a side note, my ex once told me to "wake up" as if it was me. She conveys that she thinks I'm bitter, crazy, bipolar, etc. Recently. Know what? That's just how she feels. It seems to help her process whatever she needs to process. It's no skin off my back.

It gets better Am. Make it better.

AJ

[Ambivalent]

Thanks AJ,

I sure hope it does. I have noticed I'm so focused on the legal side, and researching the costs and bills , I've actually not wondered what he does on the weekends or at night.

That does feel better, or perhaps it has just been replaced with a different fear...

I'm going dancing again tonight. It is Jammy night, so I am more than comfortable and when I get home a can crash right away.

I don't have to look sexy, I can put on a red Henley, and my scottie jams, with my slippers! Talk about comfort...

[tigerlily78]

Have a fun night at dance, Ambi.

You know your H is messed up and can't see straight... he is wearing the fog goggles and they are all smeared with his own dirt.

You are beautiful and talented and tough and smart. That he can't allow himself to see it, REALLY is his problem. You need to try to see the situation for what it is. He left YOU to go roll around in the garbage and he has to explain that to make sense of that and explain it to himself and you SOMEHOW. That doesn't mean a bit of it is true or makes any sense.

[Ambivalent]

Hey Tiger,

So sweet and much appreciated.

Today I wrote a letter to my father. I respectfully asked that he abstain from sharing my personal situation with my older sister. I thanked him again for his support both emotionally and monetarily.

Right now my sister believes it is her business and disapproves of my parents giving me any money. From someone who did so much taking throughout her whole life, it does frost me that she is not only judging me, but querying my mother as to if she has given me any money too. Unbelievable...

It's bad enough I find myself where I am. It's humiliating that my business is being discussed and shared without any thought to how I may feel about it. Now family politics are a superfluous added stress, in my already anxiety ridden life . UUUUGH!

So dancing was awesome tonight. Something was said to me tonight , and I'm not feeling very comfortable about it. This guy who is kind of funny and flamboyant, gave me a huge hug as I entered the dance .

He wanted to dance immediately and was very touchy feely, arm around me, stroking my back. He also blurted out that he was so glad I came and that he had "affection" for me. Now I have NO clue what this means, and I'm glad he stuck to the dance rules and danced with others, while allowing me to the same.

Please tell me that he just finds me someone that he wishes to just be friends. He said some other things too. He was glad that he told me what he did, and that he feels the way he does not only because " I'm a good dancer ".

I don't want to get involved with ANYONE and certainly not this guy. I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I actually wear my wedding band with a sapphire ring, rather than my engagement ring. I do this to kind of protect myself

So please tell me this guy doesn't "like" me...

[ForeverYoung]

Sorry Ambi, but he's hot for you. Us guys don't say that stuff just for the heck of it.

And who could blame him? I'd feel flattered if I were you.

You know how to make it clear you're not interested in that way.

[Ambivalent]

OOOOh, I reeeally don't want to go there. Not my type, not the time, not wanting to deal with this. This is just plain crazy making. I just want to dance, and forget all the stuff I'm going through and have to face in the very near future.

I was having such a nice time at these dances, making new acquaintances. Keeping my private life mine. I think I'll just pretend he didn't say what he did. At least he didn't follow me around, whew!

Maybe he just thinks of me as a friend, and not the other way.

It's time for SOME simplicity in my life. I am open to some good things to happen PLEASE! No more complications.

[AJM]

Um, no. He was fishing to see if you would respond in kind.

Don't let that stop you from going dancing or anything you want to do. Just make it clear you don't want the same things, and thanks anyway. Then stay clear of just him. He'll cast his attention elsewhere before long.

Wedding rings stop people?? Huh. Didn't seem to for my ex and I know plenty of guys and gals who have no issue hitting on married people (they are not friends, just acquaintances; I have standards even with friends.) People are people, Am.

As for the fears... are you taking time to face them? Replacing them is one way to cope, but eventually you may want to face those fears so you can see they are not going to be worth your time to worry about. Just a thought.

Peace,
AJ

[Ambivalent]

I feel much better if he was fishing...I didn't respond, just smiled and listened.

As for my fears...I am facing them every single day. It scares the Hell out of me. My biggest is trying to save my home, and not having to uproot myself during all of this. I want to feel safe/secure.

Losing my home, five doglets and his credit, ehya, that is too much reality for me right now.

I'm not doing drugs, not drinking, not screwing around...I'm dancing a couple nights a week. Burning some calories, and working out at the gym.

===============================================================

Tomorrow is a busy day. I'm going to get up at six to workout . Then come back shower and get ready for school. The insurance adjuster comes for the fire damage, at nine.

I don't want the check to go anywhere but here. Not sure how to arrange it without creating curiosity from the adjuster.

The stuff that burned really was stuff that mattered to me. If he gets the check, I'll never see the money nor any replacement of the rug and pie safe.

After that, I go to school. On my way home I'd like to get some new sheets and a duvet cover. I'm tired of my wee ones getting sick on my chambray comforter. It's too big for myself to wash, and I don't want to pay for dry-cleaning so often.

With a duvet, I can just pop it in the wash and it's done! I also need to drop off the paperwork at the atty's office. NOT looking forward to that.

I will be on pins and needles when the petition is filed. Then I'm cut off, I just know it. He is going to get mean, and I will want to crawl into a hole.

And after all of that, I have my new dance class! I hope some new folks attend, it is always nice to meet new people.

[mj0221]

How are you doing today Ambi? I admire you for continuing your dance at this time while you are trying to handle so many things. Have a good week