But it felt soooo good to state what I wanted. And it felt really good to have the tools to do so in a way that was non judgemental and left me feeling good instead of angry and mad.
^^^ Amen! High five! And one of Spin's fist bumps!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Ruby this sounds great! So he will go to counselling with you? And you will both work together to meet each other in the middle?
Good for you for stating your wants in a mature way. Very impressed!
So much love to you... I'm bringing another bottle of wine!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I am sure we could find a use for that bottle of wine busting 😉 And yes he is willing to go to counseling in order to move forward with this relationship.
Gabby- I understand your confusion. It comes down to me needing more from my H ( what I am not sure, more time, more emotional support, more of a feeling he is with me, in a relationship. I don't know. It's undefinable for me right now. )
H knows he is holding back but doesn't know exactly what. Only that he is afraid of totally losing himself again and becoming bitter and resentful again. H needs to be needed. He will give to the detriment of what he wants to make others happy. Not just sometimes, all the time. He is working on this. He has stated all the above in our convo.
My thought is he is so afraid of the pattern being repeated that he will not now allow any compromise to what would make me happy at his expense. Like if I said I really would like you to spend an extra night when I know he is happier in his own space when he has work the next day. I think he is not sure how to give and compromise.
He has admitted that he loves to see me happy and is scared he would begin to sacrifice his own happiness for mine. It makes him happy to see me happy. And then he is not sure if it is because I'm happy that he is happy or it's his own happiness. Lol. Okay that does sound confusing.
This relationship has been co dependent for our entire marriage. Now we are at the point of recognizing the pattern but not having all the tools to move forward without resentments and anger. Hence the need for a counselor.
He is happy in this space but I am not. We both acknowledge the others place and want to see how we can work together to go forward. I want him to make me more of a priority and he does not know how because he still has a hard time saying no and is afraid of hurting me when he does. So I don't ask because I know he can't give at this moment. Yet I want more.
So. Lots of work and we will see what it looks like. As I said he is willing to go to counseling to begin working on this relationship, instead of breaking it off. I did say if he couldn't be in the relationship 100% he had to go. 100% to him and me meant different things.
He also said that the thought of no relationship with me gave him no sense of " whew" or that it was the right thing. On the contrary it made him know he wanted it.
I am not even sure it makes sense to anyone else lol. I only know that we need someone to facilitate our growth. I don't see my needs as unreasonable and he doesn't see the situation as it is lacking. So we need more tools in our tool boxes people!!
From my vantage point based on what is reported here, it seems to be that both you and H have the need to feel "needed." Right now, it looks like there's a stalemate between the two of you and no one is willing to be the first to go 'vulnerable' because you have these internal fears tripping you two up. In a relationship, there cannot be a pair of "takers" or it will all go south. There has to be some fluid flow of "give" and "take" between the two partners. Right? What do you think?
For me to give control up over what he does and understand that the only one I can control is me, has been huge. I am wondering if it is because I no longer have this "power" for lack of a better term, that I no longer use it to define a relationship that I don't know what one should look like?
There is no flow right now...I am give. I give the space, the time and ask for nothing in return. I leave everything open. For example he comes out to country to do activity on a Saturday all winter.
I don't know if he will be out Friday or Saturday ( not that it matters much to me truly) I don't know if he will go home Saturday night or Sunday sometime. To be fair he has mentioned he may travel back some Saturdays.
Right now I just want to be considered once in a while above his needs. For example, I know that he likes to go back Sunday so he could prepare for work on Monday. Everything tidy and ready. That is understandable, right? Not my fave choice, but it is what makes him happy.
However, he would drive back on a Saturday night, not spend the night out here, because he would share a ride with a very close friend of his ( the W in his MLCer building) to " save" money. Not taking two cars.
I don't see him all week to begin with, she sees him more than me. But guess what? She really really needs him. ( long story, her H is a whack job eg texted her 48 times in less than an hour with " New Rule...."48 of them many of the rules contradicting each other lmao)
H loves to be needed, but I have been very careful not to demand so he can feel safe exploring this relationship. I don't think he knows what a relationship free of his old behaviours looks like either. His IC actually told him that when H started being selfish, thinking of what he wanted, he would go over board.
Well, he is lol, but is so afraid to put me first, although he does financially everyday.
I don't know if it comes down to the fact that I feel h is willing to give time and energy to his MLCer buddy but not to me?
Put that on top of the fact that the W's H sent her direct copies of my text. Out of context sure, but still damning about the relationship between my H and this guys W. I did say it made me feel uncomfortable and that H got his emotional support from her when I wish he would get it from me.
You were bold and took that big leap of faith... and I am so happy it appears that in the end he was willing to reach out and catch you. At least as much as he is able to at the moment.
I am so happy for you and sending you happy, excited hugs and so many positive thoughts that your journey with your H continues in this great direction.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Something I didn't mention, because I didn't recall it, was that when I asked if he would be open to someone who could help us navigate this. He said yes but...
He didn't want one of those whackos who would take one look at our situation and say you two are better off going your separate ways.....
That is such a fantastic thing to hear from a WAS. Hold crap.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
