So I go to bed last night and say 'good night' to my wife. She responds with 'good night' but with a tone. Based on earlier today and that response i ask 'why are you angry with me'. She responds that she 'isn't angry with me...sigh'.
So I ask if she wants to talk about it and she says 'no thankyou'. So, I went to sleep. Now that is an exciting end to a loaded conversation!
We have a mutual couple as friends. I know that my wife talks to just the wife of the other couple about us. I have picked up that their relationship isn't going awesome as well, and that that wife talks to my wife about their relationship. I have a call into the husband for us going out and doing something.
I wonder if that makes her nervous. I was originally just going to 'do something/GAL' with the guy but i think i may have an agenda as well.
I don't think that agenda has anything more to it that just talking to another guy who is in a relationship that is having difficulties. I will have to be careful of what I say if we do wind up doing something. Geez, i sound nervous like I am going on a 'date' or something. A man date. Maybe I am more confused than I think i am, lol!
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Based on earlier today and that response i ask 'why are you angry with me'. She responds that she 'isn't angry with me...sigh'.
It's a loaded question, kind of like asking "what's wrong". It instantly puts the other person on the defensive (because the implication is something is "wrong" with THEM), so for them the safe answer is "nothing". Next time try and ask about her feelings instead. If it seems like she's mad or angry or something, just ask "how are you feeling?" She is much more likely to be honest if you do that. And if she says something like "angry" then you can validate by saying something like "I'm sorry you feel angry, do you want to talk about it?" If she says "no" then just say "I hope you feel better later, let me know if there's anything I can do." Eventually she'll feel "safe" in telling you more, and when she does then just listen and validate.
That does seem like a better way to ask/get information/console AS. Will give it a try if the situation presents itself again.
She is still pretty wired. Tomorrow she leaves with her mom and brother to go do some snow carving for 3 days. she has done that at a competition level for the past 10 years. I always have inventory the exact same week, which is mandatory, so we are always separated. Maybe that break will do her good.
I have to admit, I have done some snooping. If there is an OM they don't communicate electronically. Which i find reassuring, but the whole snooping process is a killer. I have to nip it in the bud before it becomes an obsession. I constantly want to know/verify/reassure myself/exercise this form of 'control'.
This situation keeps the same level of suckiness (which isn't really a word), just changes the various aspects in which it [censored]!
5 years ago, during the snow carving competition is when she initiated an EA with an old boyfriend (lasted about 4 months). During my snooping I see she tried a $1.95 search for someone on peoplefinders.com. Is it the same guy? something more innocent? I don't know.
Do I carry on my snooping to determine what/who she is trying to accomplish/find? Is that important information to know? Or do i just let it go? There is no trust here. I am pretty sure I know the answers to my questions but just need some input from others to help me along my way.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Generally what we advise people here is that there IS an A taking place whether you know it or not. In absence of a PA or EA there is probably at least an IA (imaginary affair). If the WAS doesn't have a real person in mind, then they conjure one up and then they decide that that white knight is waiting just around the corner to sweep them into a loving embrace as soon as they can ditch the LBS. So you don't really need to snoop, because it's safe to assume she is engaging in some type of A even if it's "just" an IA.
A lot of WAS's eventually find out the grass isn't greener, and in fact when they get close to it they find it to be burnt toasty brown and inedible. But, that's their journey. We can't speed it up through anything we do, but we can slow it down if we try to intervene. So we work on ourselves and give them time and space to work on themselves.
OMG this is hard. Broke the rules and brought up the R with the wife. She says there is no hope, no reconciliation possible. She is at a point where she is happy with her life (physically, job) and that points out the glaring defects of our marriage.
I discussed how if neither of us was a whole person up to this point than obviously our relationship couldn't be all that good. and now, now that she is in a good spot and I am working on becoming a better person, how can she not get the R a chance. Both people being better gives a much greater opportunity for the R to be better.
I made it 2 weeks this time without discussing the R. People should be warned that not only does it potentially push the WAS away, if is f'ing painful. God she is so cold. The only emotion i sensed up to now and during our discussion was irritation at my presence.
The peoplefinder search she made was for the guy from the 5 year ago EA. Whether she has done anything with it i do not know....
I am not sure about this not talking about R and getting worked up. Let me ask, if we didn't talk about serious deep issues before, am i doing more harm with following the db advice of not talking now? Do i call her out on the looking up the old EA guy? Do i let it run its course as i can't control it anyway? Do I wait silently and monitor it and pocket it away for the divorce...in case it gets nasty?
This EA i just don't understand. When they were in high school she tells me he raped her and that was the end of the relationship. She told me this 20 years ago. When the ea started and i found out, i asked her what the f was she thinking about having a relationship with a guy who raped her?
through talking and counseling she went to a shrink and was diagnosed with manic/depressive episodes. so not quite thinking right but it is still crazy! and now, to do it again? WTH is wrong with this woman? Please, for the love of god, someone provide me with some insight/advice on how to keep this from tearing me apart.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Mr Bond is right pal. Stfu. Trust me, it doesn't work the other way. This tactic is all you got now. She made clear she won't talk about it. I know how very hard it is, but you must resist. Your logic is correct, but it is not her logic. She has her own. We love ya brother. We have been there. R talk won't work. I did not stfu. It is so counterintuitive but it is all you can do. The R talk isn't working and is backfiring.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
