I'll catch up a little before I respond, because I think my catching up may give LTH a little better perspective on what I'm dealing with. Things have been going well, up until about two weeks ago.
Flashback: W is a very fast and aggressive driver, and pulled in front of someone while she was visiting her mom down south this past summer. Unfortunately, an ambulance chaser is now suing her. It's ridiculous, but you know how insurance companies will settle. To add to that, shortly after, XH1 sued her asking for full custody - although, what he really wants is to pay less child support, even though he makes > $150k/year, and W makes < $30k.
Now, recall that W's spending has put me in pretty bad shape financially. However, when W got the paperwork about being sued for full custody, she immediately called me and DEMANDED I get a second loan or apply for a credit card. I reminded her my credit was in pretty bad shape, but I would help her out in any way I could. I hugged her, and held her, and told her to turn her thoughts of worry into prayers, and that it would be OK.
That very day, I called an attorney, scanned in all her paperwork, called my credit card company about an advance, and filed our taxes to try to get our refund back sooner. W went home and slept from 10:00am to 5:00pm while I was doing this. She woke up, and when she found out I didn't have money in hand to give her, she was livid. She immediately accused me of not caring about them, and said that I only cared about my "own kids", and that if it was my kids, I'd have $1,000 in cash ready to go. I simply responded with the actions I had taken, and reminded her that the first hearing was 3 weeks away, and even that hearing would be to schedule more hearings weeks or months away, so we should speak with a lawyer. I told her when I got paid the next week, I could pay for at least a legal consultation at $225/hr.
She refused this explanation, insisting that I "should just have money". She then said she was going to file dissolution so she could get legal aid for the poor, and she prepared the paperwork. At this point, I simply said I felt it was not the right choice, but I would not stand in her way. I signed her paperwork, and she filed it. I asked her to reconsider, and she said since I wouldn't give her cash, then she had no other choice ~ no matter, that I had no cash to give. When we went to the courthouse to sign and her to file, she told them how great it was, and how excited she was to get it over with. She walked out of the courthouse, and immediately changed her name on Facebook (a concerned friend asked me if everything was ok since she took off her married name).
So, that's where we are, lovethehub. This is the story of our marriage; she makes rage-filled, irrational choices, no matter how calm and supportive I am.
I hope this scenario explains better what I'm up against! 27 days until dissolution/divorce is finalized.
Ironically, after she filed, she found out that the "poor legal aid" doesn't offer any assistance for child custody cases. I did get an approval to increase my credit limit, and I gave W a $1,000 advance against our tax return. I actually did this right before we met at the courthouse, and she still went forward with filing...
@LTH - what alternative would you have suggested in this situation? I tried sympathy, reason, love; what would you have suggested in this scenario since you think my W deserves better than me? I'm sincerely curious.
Wow weeee, Jon, I am sorry to hear. That is some of the craziest stuff I've seen on here to be honest.
It sounds like you did what you could do. TBH, I wouldn't have even given her the $1,000 if she was proceeding with the dissolution. She clearly does not value YOU or the marriage, she's all about herself and extremely selfish and narcissistic. Or she's just a nut. Either way, it sounds like she did you a favor.
So are you living together? I don't think you moved back together, right? Do you think you are really done this time?
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
@unbidden - they are not. At this point, I've simply stopped communicating with her mostly.
@NTX - the $1,000 was because she got to claim both of her kids this year, so she would've gotten the money anyway; and I prefer to take the high road. Also, no, she has a 1-year lease that would cost her like $5,000 to break.
You'll love this. She has (since filing): 1. Invited me to dinner, almost begged - I very nicely refused because I said it would be confusing to the step-kids since she told them she had filed. 2. Invited me over for "good times". I very nicely refused because I said I thought it would muddy waters. 3. Said that she loved me, but she filed because she didn't believe I sincerely loved her, and if she came back, I wouldn't really commit to the relationship. I'm sure this is a legitimate fear to her or she wouldn't say it, but I'm pretty sure I'm the one that stuck with her through leaving, binge-spending, an affair, and lots more. Also, I don't think it's wise to make choices based on assumptions of someone's feelings or what "might" happen. You either honor your vows or you don't.
I dunno. I'm back to no contact at this point. I've discovered that sometimes you can be the "spouse only a fool would leave" - but that still doesn't fix whatever's broken in them.
Other than that, good stuff: 1. I have repaired and improved my relationship with MY kids that I had sort of broken down by being consumed by W and this junk. D13 was very stand-offish, wouldn't say I love you - very angry at W. Now, she's still holds a lot of fear and resentment toward W, but comes up and will just hug me, always tells me she loves me, etc.
2. I am starting a new job 3/24 that is a much better fit for me, and working with a good friend of mine which makes it even better!
3. Upon hearing news of the re-filing, several friends contacted me and specifically commented on what a good husband and man I had been. One specifically said: "I'm disappointed in W - I really hoped she would become the person you said she was inside." Made me feel good that I had honored her externally even if we'd messed up internally.
4. I've lost about 6 more pounds, and have been cooking new dinners that the kids are loving. I let them pick from a healthy cookbook, and we go grocery shopping. We had been eating out a lot, and are saving quite a bit of money now!
Best of all, I get bothered and/or frustrated by W sometimes, but I usually just take a deep breath and back off. I'm SO much more able to just detach and respond calmly, and it actually drives W crazy.
@NTX - I told someone recently I wasn't done with the marriage, but I was done with who W is right now. And I won't stop the divorce from finalizing 4/1. I'd like to believe when it comes down to it, W dismisses it (again) because she knows it's wrong.
I think you know you're done, not when you're angry and bitter and vicious, but when you just can say, "Oh well, my life is good, and will be good either way".
So, that's where we are, lovethehub. This is the story of our marriage; she makes rage-filled, irrational choices, no matter how calm and supportive I am.
I hope this scenario explains better what I'm up against! 27 days until dissolution/divorce is finalized.
It doesn't sound like there is anything different you could have done in this situation. My concern for your reconciliation has always been that it appears that you only see her part and, if this is true, I guarantee she knew it. It also appeared that you felt superior to her. I am saying appeared because I don't know this is true, I can only go by how things come across in a post.
Either way, I am sorry things are where they are because I hate to see anyone D and, after having gone through it, I believe it is harder to deal with each other after the D than before.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
@LTH - thanks. I'm trying to do a better job of waiting until I can calmly and rationally review a situation rather than responding in the emotion of the moment. I think it helps me take a step back and see where W is coming from; and when I realize that I've worked SO hard on myself, and W really has made very little progress since August, it makes me sympathetic for her.
Rather than feeling superior, which I honestly may have felt in the past, I feel bad that she hasn't had the guidance, 2x4s, and general emotional outlet I've had on here.
My DBing efforts, as laughable as they may seem to some, appear to be paying off when I got two comments from friends:
"Can I tell you something? You are NOT your failed marriages. They don't define you or describe you. You are a loving father. A good friend and a Godly man. Satan is a bastard and he will do everything to whisper lies in your ear and tear you down. You are good. You are free. You are worth it."
From a different friend, repeating what I said earlier:
"I'm disappointed. I really wanted W to become the wonderful woman you believed she was inside."
