I have also posted this on the Midlife Crisis forum but I thought I would post here too - please forgive the double posting but I am unsure which one to post on first.
Its been a very long time since I have posted here. About 6 years ago I went through a divorce with my exH who I suspected was going through an MLC. (although I now suspect that in his case with was also NPD etc). This is now not why I am posting - I would very much appreciate some words and wisdom from you all.....I am really struggling and still, I suspect, in shock....
I have been in a relationship with a man now for nearly three years and have relocated with my D12 to live with him here in the UK. He is currently 62. New Years Eve 2013 (less than a month ago ) he dropped the bomb with the following - by email whilst my D and I were in Australia visiting my dying grandfather:
- I am finding it increasingly hard to continue being positive and cheerful when I dont feel that way. - I am depressed and it is because of you and our relationship -I have been troubled, concerned and deeply pressured about us - For my own peace of mind I have to end the relationship - I want 2014 to be a year of rejuvenation, new beginnings and that means that doors must close You are a good woman and you deserve to be with someone who can give you want you need and what I am unable to - We are both very different people - it is o ones fault - I need time to think so I do not want you to contact me except via email - I do not want any verbal or emotional pressure
This came COMPLETELY out of the blue although, on reflection, I think he has very very slowly going into a depression for the last 12-15 months. He has been more and more emotionally withdrawn, more detached, wanting to work away from home more and more (he is a freelance opera singer) and has been very irritable and cranky with me. Leading up to Xmas he was getting worse and also complaining of back ache and had two episodes or turns where he couldnt remember anything and he had to go and lie down.
When I got the BD email we were in Oz and had to fly back to the UK in five days time. He had said that we could take as much time as we wanted to get our things but the message was clear that we needed to leave and that he would also be living in the house. I was so traumatised I couldnt so we came back to the UK (Jan 6) with no winter clothes and all of D's school gear in WAP's house. We have been staying with friends up until a week ago. I did manage to go in and collect some things (he wasnt there) ON THE DAY WE GOT BACK - HE HAD REMOVED ALL VIABLE CONNECTIONS TO ME IN THE BEDROOM and had changed the duvet cover etc.
He is rowing, popping optimum nutrition pills and putting pictures of his university days up on his bedroom wall. He is raw juicing and, as of a few days ago, I have found out that he has been and is having an affair with one of his mature aged singing students who is married with four children. In fact when we were flying back traumatised from Australia he was away in a hotel with her for the weekend.
There is more to post but I wanted peoples opinion on this... Is it MLC? I do not recognise my partner - he has completely turned into a cold and indifferent alien, even from texts that he was sending me right up to BD.
I have just finished moving all of our belongings from his house - we are in a new apartment with boxes all around us.....
Any support or feedback will be gratefully appreciated. I am happy to answer any questions and fill in as many gaps as possible as there is obviously a lot more to say about the situation... . It has been a very hard 3 and a half weeks since BD.
How old are you? How long were you divorced before you met this man? How much do you know about this man's previous marriage(s). Your not married to him, just in a relationship? Are you from the UK, you say you moved you and your daughter there, from where?
- I was separated 3 years before I met my WAP. I was married for 10 years but was alone and a single mother for 3 upon separation/divorce. I did not date during that time. - WAP has been married - divorced about 10 years ago. He does have somewhat of a history with relationships since his divorce. I have known about a few women who he has dated post his divorce - they have not lasted and, by all accounts, were not serious (maybe on his part) - I am originally from Australia but I was living in Ireland (my exH is Irish) when I met WAP. - We moved November 2011 to the UK - primarily because I was offered a good job here, WAP was keen for us to live with him and seemed extremely happy about the arrangement until the beginning of what I suspect was covert depression. - I am 43 years old. WAP is just 62. I x
Well, let me start again with saying how sorry I am you and your daughter are in this situation, again. Hows your daughter doing?
What kind of relationship do you think you had with him? Had/has there been any discussion about possible marriage. What/why do you feel he was going thru depression? Did you have a lot in common considering your age difference?
What "more" can you include that may help us get an idea of how things were that you mentioned in your first post. A lot of what he's saying and doing certainly sounds very "script like". So for now, you have your own place, which is great. Giving him time and space is the only thing you can do FOR him. For yourself, its time to sit down and really think what you want I guess. These things can take some time, either way. So for now, you know you need to make sure your eating, sleeping, and taking care of yourself and your daughter.
You need to focus on you for now, I know its hard, it still must hurt like a ton of bricks. Include any more details that you feel are relevant.
Thanks so much for your reply, I really appreciate it.... I guess what I am trying to do, in the midst of going extremely dark and GAL for myself and my daughter, is to ascertain whether this really is MLC or something different like PD etc. From everything he has said I think its MLC myself. Admittedly it has happened quite late compared to some but as you say there is a lot of script there.I guess I want some feedback on whether any DB techniques would even be applicable here. Thank you for your best wishes. D is very very shaken although she is the sort of personality that gets on with things, rolls up her sleeves and carries on etc. However this situation has, like myself, thrown her completely, it was unexpected and it has been somewhat of a severing on his part so she hasnt physically seen him or even spoken to him since December 20. That said he hasnt once asked about her. This in itself ids completely out of character. they were very closes and he was very caring and loving towards her in his own way (albeit also emotionally removed with everyone over the last 12-15 months...). She cries often and wants him to just come back and to give her hugs again and call her sweetheart, which he did all the time. It is a huge, unexplained loss for her.... OUr relationship, from my perspective, was well suited and we had a lot in common, particularly our music making. I am more open and emotionally mature/articulate than what he is so tis caused some problems. But from what I can see of our relationship he was certainly very happy to be in it and did everything he could to share his life with us. We lived in his home (the only other woman to do this was his wife and they divorced 10 years ago) and we were fully integrated into his family, seeing a lot of his two sons (29,27) - often twice a week for dinner where I would cook. We were fully visible and integrated into his life, family , work and friends. Because we had both been divorced before neither of us had any particular interest in remarriage to be honest. I never pushed for it and he didnt want it. My approach and hope was that I wanted to be happy with him and I valued him in our life. That was all that I wanted. So in that way I thought we were also compatible. Neither of us wanted any more children which was also another link. Re the depression there are many reasons why I suspect that he is going through one, least of all because in the BD email on new Years Eve he said: "I (his best friend) has spoken to me and he has said that you think that I ma depressed. I have thought about it and you are right. I am depressed. I am depressed because of you and this relationship. I have been very worried and have a building pressure about it. It has greatly concerned me and for my own peace of mind I have to end this relationship. I want 2014 to be a year of rejuvenation and new beginnings and that means that some doors must close. I simply cannot go on any longer". I have been reading quite a lot about male covert depression and he fits the timeline of covert strain building up and emotional withdrawal. About September 2012 I noticed a change, but it was slight, somewhat of an emotional detachment but still well within relationship. it was only at a level that a partner could sense. However this started to get worse. In December 2012 he had a mini BD - we had a fight about a prospective tenant in his house (I mentioned that because of D in the house that we should perhaps ask for references at the least meet the person) - and he blew up, accused me of molly-coddling D and stormed out and drove off. He stayed away that night and the next morning he sent me an email saying it was over/final etc. Accused me of hating men. He was very very angry, far more than this recent BD. I was shocked and spoke to J (his best friend) who talked to him and suggested that he have space to calm down. In this mini BD email he also said that his friends and family and remarked that he was depressed even then. So I think that this has been building up for some time. 2013 was generally stable, his words were conveying that he truly wanted this relationship and he was adamant on this. However his detachment became worse. He was starting to stay away from home more and was accepting work that justified it, often without any discussion. He started to state that he felt pressured being at home, that he wanted to be in his own home and feel; relaxed.... I tried my very very best to understand although I truly didnt factor in the depression issue in any serious way. I took him at his word literally so that when he was projection, blaming me for his own deep seated unhappiness I took it personally and tried my best to adapt etc.INothing I did made any difference. He became more withdrawn, more irritable, more emotionally detached. Sex was almost non existent - when I spoke to him about it he said that he couldnt do it because he was emotionally detached. He was however, looking at porn quite regularly.I found this very difficult and tried to speak to him about it but he just told me it was none of my business. also - re the depression he started to complain about aches/pains and was starting to panic about his age. In October 2013 his father, nearly 89, who himself has a history of adultery and depression and complete emotional detachment, trued to overdose....WAP seemed completely calm and cool about the whole thing from the outside but I suspect that it hit him very very hard. Around the same time he was contracted to sing at a major opera house but when he started the rehearsal schedule the director arrived and decided to sack him because he felt he was too old for the part. On the heels of that there were other auditions that he tried for in November 2013 that he didnt get. For the first time he was starting to panic and was talking about needing to travel more to audition, work on his audition techniques etc.
Timeline around BD - my D and I left for Oz on December 20m- my grandfather is dying at the moment and we went over to see him. WAP saw us off at the airport but was very very removed. However he was texting me at least once a day up to NYE and we spoke at some length on Christmas Day on Skype and he seemed normal, a bit tired but happy to speak to us. He spoke to my family as well. There was NO WARNING that BD was coming in the way it did. NYE all I got was an email. I had text him not knowing that he had sent the email and he text me back saying "did you get my email" no kisses which was UNPRECEDENTED so i knew something was wrong. I then checked my email and BAM> The problem was that my D and I were booked to fly back 5 days later to the UK and, understandably, all of our life, including her entire school gear and our winter clothes, were in his house. I have no doubt that he was assuming that we would HAVE to come back and live there with him because he assumed we had no where to go. However I rang some close friends who live nearby and they insisted that D and I stay with them. So I needed to email him to arrange to collect our essential items from his house on the day that we arrived back as D was back at school the next day. Because I was so traumatised by BD, and by it being by email, not even a phone call and not face to face, I just couldnt write to him. So my mother transcribed what I wanted to say and wrote to him on my behalf, very polite, non emotional and just keeping to organising a schedule for collection of our immediate things..... He replied to her with an onslaught of attack of my character which was completely unreasonable in that current situation. He started by saying " I am happy to facilitate the process of separation but I want you to know that I find LBS a woman who is very needy, needs a lot oh help, needs a lot of reassurance and support. However I never thought she would stoop so low as to need her mother to email me". He then went on to say "I am surprised that LBS has not responded to my email (NYE) - she is showing no sadness, no remorse, no regret, no understanding - nothing - how odd!". This email was only 1-2 days after BD. I couldnt believe it - I just couldnt believe what he was saying about me (suspect good old projection here) - this was NOT the same man that I had known for the last few years. We flew back and I went in, jet-lagged, into the property on January 6th and he had removed everything that was VISIBLY mine from our bedroom ie. all of my belongings were still in drawers and the wardrobe but all my books, pictures, and everything on my work desk down to the last staple had been put in our spare room. He had bought a new duvet cover and duvet and had a picture of a woman on his desk (NOT OW>>>??). So I went into further shock. About a week later I decided to bite the bullet and email him to organise dates/times to collect our things. It was the first and only contact I have made with him since BD (I have not said or written one word about his decision or about the emotional impact on me and D - he was NOT expecting that at all). I have redirected my mail which also surprised him. He held agreeing to the dates and times but finally did and I successfully moved everything last Friday. Over the last week he has emailed he twice - firstly to accuse me of stealing four forks and knives, a very old and dicrepid stockpot and, wait for it, his shampoo and conditioner from the bath (I found these in the boxes and returned them the next day). He then coldly emailed me the last day of moving (last Friday) and stated that I was still owing him one knife but he was prepared to overlook it. And would I please leave our keys on his kitchen table. Whilst I of course did leave them there when I left I was shocked that after nearly three years and living with this man that was all he could say, with no mention of anything to do with us and, importantly, D. Re OW she is a singing student of his (mature age, about 50 ish) and lives about 3 and a half hours away. She is married with four children. They have known each other about a year and I know she was after him. I found conclusive proof that while we were flying back from Ox on January 4/5 instead of him being in hour hometown helping his son install a new kitchen in his house (this is what he has told everyone including his best friend) he was in a hotel with her... Whilst I was packing our things I have found evidence of him popping nutrition supplements, reading how to get a flat ab in 5 days etc, using his rowing machine and looking to go on yoga retreats (he has never done yoga before...) He has also hung photos in his bedroom of when he was at university......
Thats about it for now but would really appreciate any more feedback that anyone could offer me.. thank you I x
Hi Inn, I see you've started the same thread in MLC forums, and you have Job helping you there. So i'll post there from here on out, and we'll consider this thread dead. Anyone else that wants to follow in or add comments, please follow the link:
