Rise & Shine V

[3boymom]

Hi Pud. I have missed you. I saw your recent thread while I was waiting at the C but I did not get a chance to respond yet.

And yes, there is someone out there who would love you and your little children, all together.

For some reason, this made me cry at my desk. I guess that I just really miss feeling loved. I miss feeling like a complete family. It probably does not help that S3 broke down in tears yesterday because he did not understand why he could not eat dinner with both his mommy and daddy. Boo!! It amazes me how our Hs can just walk away and not fully comprehend the damage that they are causing to the people they should love the most in the world.

[melissag]

For some reason, this made me cry at my desk. I guess that I just really miss feeling loved. I miss feeling like a complete family. It probably does not help that S3 broke down in tears yesterday because he did not understand why he could not eat dinner with both his mommy and daddy. Boo!! It amazes me how our Hs can just walk away and not fully comprehend the damage that they are causing to the people they should love the most in the world.

Sigh. At some point I hope to accept that I will never understand this. I just have to think that they have a story in their heads that allows them to feel OK about it. I don't think that I could ever lie to myself that convincingly about something with so much evidence to the contrary right in my face . . . but I guess some people can? I know my H has told himself that our children will be better off. I could give him 1,000 articles about how D screws up kids, but he would still be sure of his story. And then, this is the funny part. He would say that his parents are D, and he turned out fine. LOL.

You can't make someone see the truth if they don't want to.

[Mic]

Hi Melissa
I totally agree. I told my H how the kids cry and ask me questions. He said No I asked at our oldest school and she is happy. Your the only one that is upset. Of course his answer to everything is They'll be fine. Today I had to leave and our oldest was throwing up. I was up there nursing our youngest. I started changing the sheets and said You know what I have to leave before I cry. I later texted him -Not sure if this was a DB or not and told him Text me and let me know how she is doing today. It goes against everything I believe in to walk out that door when one of my children is sick. His response was. She's sleeping. She'll be fine.
Just hard.
I think they have to justify in their heads that its all okay and good for them.

[3boymom]

You can't make someone see the truth if they don't want to.

This is so true M. My H thinks that everyone will be fine and dandy. My kids dont even know that he has left yet and they are already sad.

So I am taking the kids away for the weekend on a ski trip with my family to a local ski resort that by B and SIL work at on the weekends as ski patrol. We took the same trip last January with my H. Our M was already falling apart. I am pretty sure that the week before our trip OW's H showed up at our H and told me about the A. Since OW's H is a serial liar (hence the serving of prison time), I chose to believe H and not OW's H. I remember hoping that the trip would give us some time to reconnect and forget about all the drama. The weekend away was tension filled, which was par for the course then.

But there is a moment from that trip that I will never forget. H and I took S5 snow tubing for the first time. We had an absolute blast. I vividly remember the moment when H and I looked into each others eyes and my H smiled, not only with his mouth but with his eyes. I remember thinking to myself that I had not seen that H in months. I can still see the picture in my mind thinking back to that weekend. I actually thought to myself "we are going to be ok." H joked/flirted with me the rest of the time we were tubing. That was the last time that I remember feeling loved by my H. It was only a split second in time, but I remember feeling happy and hopeful that we could turn things around. Guess I was wrong. I honestly never thought that we would be in this place a year later. While it makes me sad that we are S, I am glad to not have a life filled with so much tension and drama.

So I will take the boys and make new memories. Although my B and SIL are obsessed with skiing, I am pretty horrible. This is definitely my H's thing. He grew up taking trips out west to ski. I know that it is driving him crazy that I will be taking the boys and not him (although he is perfectly capable of taking them if he wanted to). I figure that I can get out there and learn to ski right along with my boys.

[Pudmuddle]

I'm sorry to make you cry 3. That statement I made to you is something I have realized through my own journey. I am going to be ok, I am worthy of being loved and will be able to find someone who can love me the way I need to be loved. It's hard to realize these things when your self-esteem has taken a beating. With or without my H I know I can find these things. And you can too. I want you to believe that, even if you and your H get back together in a good way, or not.

Loveyou 3. {{{HUGS}}} many times over.

[3boymom]

I was right...my H was pissed about Tuesday night. He was upset that for the first time it felt like we were not on the same page about co-parenting and he felt like I dug my heels in the sand and would not budge to his detriment and the detriment of the kids. I told him that I understand why he may have been upset. I explained my reasoning. He of course does not think that my reasoning was valid. While he claims that it was not a threat, he said that he has not pushed for 50% custody because he knows that it would make me upset but that if I want to be firm them maybe we will have to revisit our custody arrangement. To me this feels like a threat that if I dont get on board with his wishes, he will push for 50% custody.

We talked for two hours about things. More rewriting of history. While he says that he knows both of us contributed to the problems in our marriage, if any of his issues were pointed out he immediately blamed me. H really did not take much ownership in anything.

I asked him what he was waiting for. If I am this person that he has no interest in because he believes me to be a certain way, then why wait to file. He is not ready to be done. H claims that he is waiting for a feeling towards me. He says that the feelings towards me have been increasing. He says that he really enjoyed last week when we ML and were more flirty and acting like ourselves. If I continue to act as a friendly neighbor, than my H will never have "feelings" for me. He said that he was so confused that I did a 180 after having a few really good days together. He did also mention that he has been considering whether it would be good for us to start going to counseling together. Am I missing something? Is he trying to tell me that he wants to try and see if something is there? Or is this just another excuse/him cake eating?

I feel defeated today. I feel completely controlled and at the mercy of my H because I do not want to lose any more time with my kids. Due to my full time job, which I must keep, my time is already so limited. I only get to see the kids for two hours on the weeknights that I have them. I am trying to make the most of it, but this SVCKS! I want to give up, yet I know that is not even possible.

I am heading out of town in a bit, so I am limiting my pity party to this morning.

[labug]

Hmm why wouldn't he have 50% custody? Was this and agreement you had?

I can understand you feeling deflated and confused. He's confused.

What was your boundary? I think I remember but may not be 100% clear.

You can't mind read and make decisions based on that. You can only make decisions based on what's best for you. If you can go to counseling with him and have no expectations, then do it.

I wouldn't worry that he was p!ssed. Boundary breakers are often p!ssed. The really in depth question here is, do you want to be in a R with someone who can't or won't respect your boundaries?

Did you do a 180? Or is that how he sees it?

Is he still in R with the OW?

Tough position.

[melissag]

3bm, that was really courageous of you to ask him directly why he has not filed. I'm sorry he didn't give you a real answer. Though I guess you can figure out what he is saying - he doesn't know what he is doing, but he wants yo to stay along for the ride.

What do you think about the things he said? Do you feel like you should ML more to see if he has "feelings' for you, or do you think that he is just trying to get you to drop your boundaries so he can keep both you and the OW and make a decision when he is ready?

Have you imagined what it would be like (not just thinking about how great it was when you ML or spend Christmas as a family, but day to day) if you did go to counseling and your H decided he wanted to R? What would he need to do in order for you to R with him? Would you take him back the way he is, or do you think he has more work to do?

3, I know it is awful to think about spending less time with your boys (it kills me), but you can't make life decisions based on custody. My L reminded me that I can be as nice as I want and give up all sorts of other stuff to entice my H to agree to the parenting time I am comfortable with, but he can go back any time he wants to get that amended. It svcks and it is unfair, but even if your H is selfish and a jerk and is the one who decides to leave, he is still entitled to time with your kids just as much as you are.

As an aside, do you think your H can handle three boys for say, three days in a row by himself? I know my H could never have done that at the ages your kids are. He can barely stand it now at ages 7 and 9. Every time he talks about how great his kids are and how much he loves them, he has to say they are really annoying and/or a pain in the ass sometimes. (It chaps my hide just to think about it, ugh.)

Anyway, I'm getting off point. The point is, custody will be what it will be. You can't control that. So don't make decisions based on fear around that.

[3boymom]

Hmm why wouldn't he have 50% custody? Was this and agreement you had?

When my H left, he promised that he would never take the kids away from me and would not demand 50% custody because he knew how much being with the kids means to me. Even last night, H said that he knows that he decided to leave and that he decided to stop trying and that I should not lose out on my time as a mom because he made that unilateral decision. H wants the kids to have one home and not feel like they are shuffled between two houses. He wants them to have as consistent of life as possible given the circumstances. We have proceeded with the same arrangement since BD.

Since BD, I have tried to be accommodating with my H and his requests to see the kids, even on nights that were not his. I dont ever impose on his time with the kids. In fact, Tuesday night was the first time that I did not extend an invitation when I knew he was hinting at it. I told H that I wanted to be good co-parents and that I would try to be as accommodating as possible. I told him that it just hurt that one time I said no and he threw out the threat. I also told him that if he had asked in advance, I would be more willing to work with him on things. It just feels like he waits until he has nothing better to do and then decides to swing by. Last week, we had made arrangements to rearrange dates this week with the kids due to his vacation schedule. I thought it was resolved, but then he called on Tuesday night asking to come over. I had already made plans with my mom. I told him it would be easier for me if we discussed in advance. His response is that he is not a planner. I told him that I understood, but due to the difficult of this situation it would be helpful if he could plan a little, especially when he knows that he is going out of town and would like to make changes to the schedule. I would feel like he was more respectful of me in that situation.

What was your boundary? I think I remember but may not be 100% clear.

The main boundary was that he could no longer treat my house like his home (no more laying in our bed watching tv, no more showers, etc). It was at that point that he set up our morning and night visitation schedule with the boys. While we have set dates, it is a flexible schedule in that we both try to ask in advance to change dates if things come up. I honestly dont mind changing, it is just the last minute requests to come spend time with the kids that bother me.

Is he still in R with the OW?

The other boundary was that I did not want to have a R with him while he was in a R with OW. This is the boundary that I really have not enforced well at all recently. For a while, he respected this boundary and I enforced it well. I would not respond to texts/emails of a personal nature. But lately he has been pursuing me more. There was a noticeable change. H told me last night that he feels things for me that he has not felt in years. He has also flat out told me that he wants me to pursue him. He claims that OW is only in the picture because of their business. H does not want to lose the business that he has built. He claims that they never had a PA and that a large part of why he picked her up when she was down was to save their business. I dont know what to believe. All I know if that I hate her and I wish that he would affirmatively pick her over me. I hate this part. I feel like if I dont try and pursue him, I will also wonder whether we could have started something great if I had just tried and did not withhold affection like a did in our M. I really dont know what to do.

Did you do a 180? Or is that how he sees it?

I definitely pulled back after we had a good week together and reconnected. He was trying and I got scared that I would get hurt again. H usually pulls back but he did not this time.

My head is spinning.

[labug]

The good things is, you're going OOT and you don't have to do anything right now. Breathe, relax, and remember to keep you in the forefront, don't compromise yourself.

Expectations are difficult to overcome.