Update

[hoper]

Hello,

A bit of my history..as old posts have disappeared ..me 41, H 42 ..BD May 2012..discover a couple of EA 's - his admission and one ongoing one - my discovery...Tells me to move to my parents and that he would support me..i don't move out..

Each day seems like a different mountain..we take a vacation for our S.. he has job issues..no idea why he stops asking for D..whether it was S or financial he does not say ..OW around the EA continues though not in a "frantic , i will die if i don't have her way" . OW wishes me on FB on my birthday... sick sick ..sick

And now..
Want to start off by saying .. invariably land up thinking of you brave folks here..

No spectacular changes to really report , just wanted to reach out here.

Yet in limbo land which some time back felt like a good place to be as had arrived here from the 'we need to divorce asap for me to be truly happy' place.

A new job has got H excited which is nice to see .

So a few months prior to the anniv in Dec, he was all sweetness..initiating conversations, LM, taking active interests in the house hold chores..sorting some plumbing..planned get together with my family who he has continuously blamed for the mess in his life

i kept asking myself is this for real..and so was looking forward for a quiet simple wish on the anniv.. though he did not do any grand public FB gestures but the atmosphere at home was something i had longed for..told myself to hang in there.

However 10 days prior to the anniv announced he is going for the half marathon to the OW city..I was furious but did not say anything.. as he just said it as a BTW ..

After he announced i decided to draw a boundary wherein i said since the impact of your actions on me is not really considered i just cant continue to LM ..as i am not really being fair to myself is what i told him ..

this pretty much shocked him and he said that he understood and respected this .. and it was just the alcohol whenever he initiates and that he really didn't want to do this and he cant say whether he really enjoyed it..

That tore me up further but i kept quiet ..i was so furious didn't wish him for the run and he realized it.

he gets back falls really ill, high fever and all.. home for a week.. anniv comes and goes ..no mention of anything.

Texting , calling yet continue though on a lower scale..

i give in to the LM again a couple of times and when work takes him to OW city he does not speak to me even once during the one and a half days he is there..

When he gets back I draw the boundary line again and this time he doesn't say anything but is upset.

So my introspection has revealed that i don't react to texting as much as the visits..i believe that it is very difficult for him to get out of the tunnel completely..

I am extremely proud of myself as whenever i go into the self pity mode i drag myself from the sad place and tell myself that i really don't have to visit this place if i didn't want to..

He is cordial, though the conversations are far less now..
I really don't know what he was thinking in terms of no dates, no calls in the middle of the day to see how i am doing but expected the LM to go on without me objecting to it ..

The last time i drew the boundary line i told him i feel humiliated as after the act he says he didn't even enjoy it ..
he was quiet and chose not to say anything to that.

Sure this comes across as way to arm twist him to make declarations but i realized i was getting quite upset at the lack of acknowledging any progress however small in our relationship..the fact that he could initiate LM when a year back my pinkie could have him sprawling on the floor ( yes like all MLCers he would cling to his side of the bed) was a giant stride for me.

It is very confusing as not sure whether i am doing the right thing as LM was a 180 for me in terms of the comfort and seemed like the only way he could communicate some kind of love for me..and i really enjoyed it

So if any of you wise people have any kind of input on this please do help..
It seems to me he comes across as an cake eater rather than someone who wants to work on the relationship so the boundary healthy for me but wish it was some another boundary as this seemed like he seemed to be connecting ..

wishing you all the calm and the strength to take you through ..

BTW , it does pass

[Cadet]

Here are your first three threads in reverse order.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...078#Post2369078

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...092#Post2335092

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...290#Post2326290

[hoper]

Thankyou Cadet

[courageouswife]

Hey hoper1!

I am not familiar with your sitch but it sounds like your H is being a cake eater especially if OW is still in the picture. Some LBS's are ok with ML with their MLCer and some are not. When you set a boundary, you have to be prepared to follow thru with it. Correct me if I misread what you wrote but it sounds like you only apply the boundary when your H makes you mad...if you set it, you must stick to it or it doesn't work!

(((hugs)))

[hoper]

Hey Courageous,

Thankyou for mirroring the obvious..and yes easier to hold the boundary line when am mad..

So day no 8 am holding on, not that he has initiated anything but am thinking he has got the message that i am serious this time.

He is very confusing right now..Makes a whole lot of future plans .. registered a new property in our name.

he is stressed currently over his niece's state of marraige ..talks of she should get out of it if it makes her unhappy ..makes me wonder if he is expressing his own desires..i believe he discusses this with ow who has gone through a D ..

Ya i know no point in assuming stuff i have no clue about ..

Thanks:)

[hoper]

Hello ,

SAd but content as very proud ofwith the person i am becoming.. Experiencing the greatest love of all... love thy self..

Wishing all here all the love to take you through

[hoper]

Hello,

Well i had drawn a boundary which H with his convincing sweet talk and behavior managed to erase..

Until now he has managed to visit OW on week days on business trips to her city.. Though he never mentioned it and i haven't snooped ..its something i "know"

He bombed me saying OW sister is getting engaged and her brother who is H's client has invited him for the party on the week end..

Though i was aware that we were far from piecing he really had not been flinging ow in my face.. so kinda bombed again..

H has been very rational in the last 6 months.. processed a family crisis ..accepted it and took responsibility though could have handled it better..SO it really hurt ..

But i decided to go ahead and have the R talk..

I told him H .. I feel humiliated .. It seems to me just because you can .. You do.. Right now i feel powerless when i should not..
he replies What are you trying to say ? Please be clear ( his usual tactic to cover himself just in case he has misunderstood the OW inference)

I tell him i think you do and then specify him going to OW sis engagement on a weekend .. i proceed to tell him that you have been giving me mixed signals as you have initiated LM in the last 7 months .

he tells me he does not need to justify his going .. though he has explained the business relations with OW 's brother ..If in the past just being cordial to me and my folks has given me the wrong signals then he is sorry about it (GAG)

He continues that regarding LM he assumed i too wanted it as i used to initiate ( this was prior to DB) .. he does not acknowledge that i have stopped initiating for over a year ..
He finally says we are together because we both don't have a choice ..Both of us cant afford a separation at this point .. so its better we stop interfering in each other 's lives..
He hopes he has clarified his action suitably ..

I reply that this did not make me feel less humiliated as we ml for and then u say i am sorry u misunderstood .. whether he remotely understands what i as a human being can go through

(yup i really jumped off the DB train out here)

I also mention that one fine day u can afford it so you will.. what's all supposed to mean to our S..( I know ..I know..guys using S in our talk completely wrong )

He replies that it was just a physical need and he is genuinely sorry if i found this humiliating ...

I goad him a bit more and then he gives me the classic MLC line..
Whenever he is strong enough to formalize the separation he will(financially and due to S being small stops him right now) be it 1 yr or 5 yrs or 10 yrs .. he ends with that if he dies before that then my issue will be resolved..

So here we are..in my attempt to snatch the cake from his mouth i inadvertently started the R talk ..

he has declared many things in this talk .. just like in the past ..most of which he has never been able to enforce..
though this bomb was not completely unexpected it hurts but boy did i bounce back ..i feel strong and in control though my words to him did not..
i wanted to communicate my hope which i did..

surprisingly we slipped quite easily into a friendly and a cordial mode ..landed up having a coffee and a lunch date ..(his guilt acting up) i accepted as it was mainly circumstantial..
have gone back to my DB ways..

this time around i am not faking my calmness and when i look happy i feel it too..

[hoper]

Hi there,

SO the boundary line remains intact. Neither of us have initiated LM ..

I have fretted over it as think that it will be this that will lead the EA to become a PA ( i know kinda wild and stupid..

We go for yoga together twice a week.. all that i have been able to internalize is my laughter when i see H struggling with the spine poses .. not that i am any great ..

H's niece who he has got married 2 years back is caught by her H having an affair ..Prior to this she gaslit us saying all is not well as her H is quite a homebody and she moved out for 5 months,is when her A blossomed..

she goes back and is caught by her H who hacks into her mail and phone .. he wants a fast track D..

we are all stunned .. H says he is not upset that she drifted but he is upset at the fact that she gas lit all of us ( those are my words courtesy DB) by saying he and his family are a bit crazy ..

wow is this depression genetic or home gown .. My MIL has it ..my BIL had it ..my H and now my niece.. its so overwhelming..

MY niece's in laws and H spare no words and really take my H apart as my niece cannot face them ..

he is calm and tells them whatever they need us to do we would cooperate and really feels sorry for my niece's H..

Then ...
He comes up with the wildest request ..He wants to take S,have a mini vacation with OW 's brother who will chaperon OW's son(she is a divorcee with a 5 year old ) ..

he tells me ow 's son who has last met S 2 years back is very fond of him.. no mention whether OW will be there or not ..I politely refuse..he asks me why .. i just tell him I don't want to discuss this .. He replies Hmmmmmm??

Next he suggests a mini vacation for the 3 of us .. he has work in a city where my father has a week end home..

I wonder how this person has no qualms about living in his FIL house when he dosent treat the daughter like his wife..

i agree and we go and have a reasonably good time..as we drive around the city he remembered each and everyone of our trips there.. I was pleasantly surprised as post bombing had thought no positives ever registered with him ..

but apparently not so ..

after coming back he is sharing a bit more of his work issues with me..
yet expects me to do quite a bit in terms of food .. i dont initiate but when he requests am unable to refuse as S is around..as this is my 180 i am doing some fancy meals for him and he appreciates them most of the time ..

So not really even gone dim on him.. hence the LM boundary necessary..
when we caught a foreign movie where the son blames and hates his physically abusive father he was pretty shaken up ..


I have a teaching assignment which i am excited about..

when i look back i think all the vets are so super ..their advice on quit snooping is priceless as that saves us on so much negative energy which in turn pulls you down and away from all that you can achieve..

i do think with my small stint in forensic audit i would have driven myself insane with the snooping..

we do a family hug post every vacation .. S always reminds us ..H very happily joined in and we held each for quite some time..

i was very low during the vacation when there are silences during long drives.. when i saw him text...he saw my tears but said nothing ..

well i am back on the DB train..with a whole lot of patience and as usual wonder !

Sorry guys my post seems like one long , meandering ramble..

[TL72*]

Hi hoper,
I agree with you on the advice about not snooping. I learned that pretty quickly too, it is just too painful and resolves nothing, changes nothing but hurt me even more. Of course we all go through that in the early stages I think where we want to snoop, find out all we can about what's going on but it really did me more harm than good so I stopped, separated out all the accounts so I could not do it even if I wanted to, then moved on as if he wasn't coming back. the imagination can really mess with your mind sometimes. take care!

[hoper]

Thanks for stopping by TL

So many lessons to learn in this journey .. Thankfully I 've been my brightest best