Since my other thread locked before I could create a new one, I'll start here. I believe W is continuing to push me away be reengaging with my sons as they have grown closer to me during her depression/replay activities. We are now in a great tug of war in which everything positive I do is met with an opposite interjection from her. Driving a wedge of some sort between me and my boys at any chance she can.
I am growing so tired of living my life like this. And yes, I feel like in walking on eggshells and planning every move of my day because I live with a ticking time bomb. How is one not supposed to feel the constant threat of more hateful venom as a problem to avoid?
I have read and heard everyone say that she must go through this and she must burn out her anger before she can look inside. I get that, I really do. I also get that some people never do make it out. Her father is one of those. So is her mother. Her anger and hate seem to burn as hot and even more frequently now than they did 8 months ago when she dropped the bomb. I feel at times that in the search for myself and handling her with kid gloves as I have had to, I am losing my self. I am losing dignity and becoming that doormat that I don't want my kids to see.
It's hard to walk around the house whistling and being positive when you get evil stares and your kids look at you because their mother is making faces about everything you say. It's hard to project positivity when all you want is this person to go away so that you can breathe. That's where I am at. I just want her to go away. I don't care about OM. I don't care about reconciliation. I don't like her anymore, much less love her. She has succeeded in that.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Hi Jf, I was going to post on your other thread, but it locked up. So here I am.
It sounds like you have begun to find yourself and realize what you have been accepting for a long time. There are just some people that won't change and will never change. That is a hard thing to admit, when you have been married to someone for so long. You want to help them, then you realize...there is nothing you can do.
Only you can make the changes at this point that will save yourself. I don't see you as a doormat, but a strong, devoted man. Your kids know what is going on and can see how people are behaving. You have kept your grace and dignity in front of them. This will shine more in their minds than you think.
Keep taking the small steps you need to make positive changes for you and your kids. It will happen, you may have to put up with a little more venom for a awhile until things change more significantly. You know how to do that. You are strong, my friend.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Yes, your W's in MLC and feeling angry in general...BUT this doesn't give her a free pass for being rude, disrespectful to you nor mistreating you. Stand up and put in place boundaries on those behaviors.
And how do I do that Wonka? Every boundary I have set has been met with violent spew and uprising.
My W is a child of a complete confrontational family. It's all she knows when crisis arises. I have continued to try to protect myself, my finances, and my kids during this. If I note her behavior that I will not tolerate, there will be violent confrontation. Not mind reading, I know it. So, being dark/dim and taking care of myself and being the new me isn't going to change how she behaves towards me.
I don't care if she loves me. I don't care if she's with OM. I do not care. I am tired of living with a bomb ready to explode at any moment.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
As you know, boundary setting in the most simplest forms is this:
"If you do this, then this happens."
When your W is vengeful, spiteful, and plain disrespectful, you can say to her: "W, I will not be spoken to in this/that manner. When you are calm/calmer, then we can speak. I am removing myself from this behavior."
Then stick with it over, over, AND OVER. Until W gets it and changes her behavior accordingly. You do need to stand up to her.
Driving a wedge of some sort between me and my boys at any chance she can
You may not believe this…but chances are that “YOU” do not even factor into the equation. I know sounds chitty. Think about it though…..your W is all about herself right now. Do you really think she is stopping to think about how you or anyone else beside herself feels? She probably doesn’t. I say this so that you can remove the idea/thoughts that “SHE” is doing this to “YOU”. Remember this is all about HER.
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How is one not supposed to feel the constant threat of more hateful venom as a problem to avoid?
The simple answer is detachment. Let me expand though….and ask you a few more questions…
1) If you went to work today and your boss slapped you upside the head what would you say/do? a. I would punch him/her in the face b. I would warn him/her not to do that again c. I would quit d. I would apply B, and if he/she did it again I would apply C.
If your answer is D – why?
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I feel at times that in the search for myself and handling her with kid gloves as I have had to, I am losing my self. I am losing dignity and becoming that doormat that I don't want my kids to see.
Man o man…reading this quote brought me back a lot of bad memories. JF, first off you do not have to treat her with kid gloves; although I know why you do it. You can treat her like an adult. As for your kids seeing this. Consider a few things…I agree that they should not see you as a doormat. Her actions though are showing them something – they are seeing that mom is f’d up and that Dad is the calm one.
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It's hard to walk around the house whistling and being positive when you get evil stares and your kids look at you because their mother is making faces about everything you say.
Make funny faces back at her. Seriously – why not. Chit have fun with it. Let HER know that 1) you cannot be bullied and 2) that honestly….you think she is funny.
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I just want her to go away.
You could ask her to leave or back her chit for her and leave it on the front door.
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I don't care about OM.
Bull – you still do. It’s just you are no longer obsessing about him.
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I don't care about reconciliation.
Really? You mean you really do not care? If you didn’t would you still feel this way….
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and becoming that doormat
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I don't like her anymore,
Hey I don’t know her and I really can’t stand her easier that makes two of us. Is it really “her” though….or is it her “actions”?
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much less love her. She has succeeded in that.
F that. You say when this R is over – not her! I can understand how you can feel this way JF. It is normal man. Very normal.
JF – I want you to read the thread of a few old posters….. MHL, Truegritter, LostforWords and hey if ya have time mine.
All of us, were done, then not done, then done, then not done.
All of us….had FEAR to deal with.
All of us…had issues to work through….
What you are experiencing is normal.
Do you respect JF?
Why are you afraid to confront her JF? Is it just the kids? Is it that you love her? Is it money? Is it the comfort of the what was? What exactly is stopping you from confronting her. Answer this and you just may find out a little bit more about JF.
BTW, do yourself a favor and do not start to “feel” for someone else right now. You are vulnerable and may interpret “feeling a bit better talking or hanging out with someone” as love. Just be careful. I am not accusing you – not at all.
Finally….if you are really ready and tired – let me answer one of your questions…
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Every boundary I have set has been met with violent spew and uprising.
Set the boundary as follows……
Dear W….if you do X, Y or Z – then I will pack your chit and throw you out of the house. Period.
When and if she does it again – act on it. Me personally, if this happened to me again..I would not give a rats as* what the current laws are – I would pack my fiancés chit and throw her out. Why? Cause finally, I found me, finally I fell in love with me, finally I feel like I am one hell of a man, finally I KNOW I am worth it.
Do the work JF…..do the deep digging bro…it is worth it. Use this experience to teach you, use it to make you stronger, use it to propel you forward.
If you do decide to throw her as* out….get yourself the best damn lawyer money can buy.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Then I'm in the same spot I'm always in. I set boundaries, she spits. I get the heck away from her and leave her alone. She is a bomb waiting to explode any minute. I stay away from her, do my own thing. Try to parent my kids and she takes offense I anything and everything that I do or don't do. She openly tries to provoke me she's done it in front of the kids several times. I'm DBing my rear end off just to survive at this point. Cause it ain't living. If I didn't have 2 sons that I refuse to abandon, I'd have punched my ticket off of this crazy train a long time ago.
So. Setting boundaries=violent spew Going dim in my own house=violent spew GAL activities=violent spew Working on myself=violent spew Working on my relationship with my kids=violent spew Being the best me=violent spew
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Do you think you will ever be able to CONTROL what she does? Psst…answer is NO.
Do you think you CAN CONTROL what you do? Psst…answer is YES.
I modified your last post a bit…see below…
A - Setting boundaries= Are GOOD FOR ME. I will enforce the boundaries – even if that means I kick her as* out.
b - Going dim in my own house=Going DIM is FOR me. It is to protect me emotionally. If she continues to emotionally abuse me – I will refer to “setting boundaries”
c - GAL activities=GAL is GOOD for ME and the Kids. Since I am dealing with someone who is insane right now. I will ignore her and continue to GAL. If she emotionally abuses me I will refer to “setting boundaries”
D - Working on myself= whatever happens in my life – I will be okay. Since I can only control myself then I can only work on myself. If people (especially W) do not understand that. There is nothing I can do. If they attack me for it…I will FACE MY FEARS and refer to “setting boundaries”.
E - Working on my relationship with my kids= I love my kids and right now they need a sane parent. As part of working on my R with my kids, I will begin to journal the activities that I do with them and also document the craziness of my W. I will also do what it best for the kids (not what is best for me). If my W attempts to impact my R with my kids I will refer to “setting boundaries”.
F - Being the best me= I will wake up every day, look in the mirror and say…1) I am a sexy b*tch 2) I love myself 3) I cannot change others 4) I am no longer afraid 5) I like the new me and 6) I will do my best today, that is all I can ask of myself. Do the best with the tools that I have.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
So. Setting boundaries=violent spew Going dim in my own house=violent spew GAL activities=violent spew Working on myself=violent spew Working on my relationship with my kids=violent spew Being the best me=violent spew
Violent Spew= I will not let her actions, dictate who I CHOOSE to be....
Been a while since Eric took an interest, J. But take a look at the archives like he mentioned. I think you'll see some similarities. And you may realize just how not done you really are. Tired and exhausted perhaps, but done? That won't happen for a while I suspect.
Take another look at how Eric re-wrote your previous post. It's important.
And as for kicking somebody out for their behavior? She'd do it to you Personally, I'm with Eric on that one - I'd kick anyone out soooooo much faster than I did last time, if for no other reason that I deserve better than that and I know it. At the time, I was unsure how to act, and did not throw my ex out. I wasn't done when she left, J. I'm not fast to decide such things, but I am steadfast once I do. Regardless of the consequences.
And I'm older and more seasoned now although not very wise. In my own life, I'd pack her crap and set it on the lawn while I changed the locks. Not a further word to be spoken nor a look back. That's for me.
As for the doormat idea? BS. You're no doormat and your kids know it. That's just feeling sorry for yourself. That won't help. Being a man means fighting in every way you can to keep your family together. I know I was willing to drag my soft bits through broken glass to do it. Thankfully I didn't have to do that.
Pride was not needed and still isn't in my mind. Self-love is important though.
Go read those stories, J. You'll see that you're far from done.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
