Thanks TL72, I have read DR and DB again and many threads here. I actually have made some changes that my W has already taken notice, and she sure is pissed about them.
I'm sorry your going through this also, the things I have been doing have been helping me a lot. I'm sitting her right now filled with peace, thanks to God!
I'll Bring you up to speed. W got pissed about family tracking on cell phone, she gets new cell phone and number on Wednesday 2/12/14. I still dont have the number, she contacts me from my D or Step S phone. I havent even asked for the number. A goal is for her to give me th number on her own. Mind you any conversation is started by her, I only talk when she talkes to me.
Valentines day she seems depressed, I did engage talk with her about the things I have done wrong in our M. I see she's depressed in the bedroom, I take charge and have her sit between my legs and I give her a shoulder massage. I ask her if I'm making her uncomfortable she says no. I do it for a little bit and then I got ready for work. Afternoon shift stinks!
I come home saturday night get in bed and W told me good night, I tell her same and I roll over so my back faces her and she makes this noise that usually means "thats it" trust me I know this noise. I ask her if she said something she replies oh no. WE go to bed, I'm not pursuing her.
I start to act as if, I don't engage any conversation with her unless she starts it. I usually even end it. I make sure when we are home together I'm not bothering her.
Sunday morning I get up, I see W is all dressed up, she getting ready for church. I walk into kitchen she tells me she's going to church, I said ok, and I tell her I was going to take the kids at 11am, She asks what church, I reply st. so and so and she says I thought you didn't like that one, I told well its church and it will be fine. I ask her politely if she would like to come with, she said and mumbled something about being alone. I ask step S if he would like to come with me and D, he replies no I go during school, he's in a school. I look to see what time service starts at this church that just open close to our house and it starts at 10:30. So I leave and I'm driving getting closer to it and I tell D we should just go to other church, getting little nervous of this new church, I decide to stay my course, NOW THIS WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING. I pull into the church driveway ans a sign saying "Marrige Builders Confrence" FEB 14 & 15. So I missed this would been nice to go to.
I get in church with D we get to our seats and service begins. The service is about Fighting For Your Family. Ironic for sure. The scripture is "Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes" Nehemiah 4:14b ESV. I put this on Facebook because it sruck me in my heart, because here I am right now Fighting For My Family. Funny how God had me go to that church and not the other one.
W see's the post on Facebook and sends me this private message"interesting how you would quote something where you fight for your brother first and your wife last. Ironic. Who are you fooling. My name...not me. Go ahead and set it up to make sure you come out smelling like a rose."
I replied to it and probably shouldn't of. I said "It was todays service about Nehemiah to fight for your family, has nothing to do with whos listed first or last in this bible scripture. I'm sorry you feel this way about it.
W replied "All of a sudden you're quoting bible versus. Your not sorry...it angers me that you're putting on this act. I never replied to this, I did not want to get baited into a argument with her. Its like an Alien took over or the Devil.
I can tell you by going to church has made a huge diffrence, I don't know why I ever stopped going.
I'm at work W calls me, She hasnt been calling me or texting me much lately not like we where doing 2 weeks ago. Anyway she calls me from Step S phone. She ask me so you went to that new church I see. I reply yes and it was really nice. She ask me about the scripture i posted on FB and the refrigerator because it had some fill in blakes so you follow along better. I was excited to tell her about the service and I explain it to her and she was like ok. she then tells me I went to the same church but the other one across town, the pastors are brothers. I tell her that we could go next Sunday together if she likes and she almost snapped my head off OH NO that wont happen. I see she's annoyed so I decide to end the call, of course she doesn't like that and I tell her its busy and I have to go so we say bye.
W calls me back about 5 mins later. I should of never answered it, but I did. W tells me that she was rude for acting like that and apologizes and said its ok. W asks me why are you all of sudden going to church, I reply because I need it and its good for me and the kids. W then tells me so your going be better for someone else, referring that I will be better for the next person and why didn't you do this me. She then says don't you want to ask me anything, I pause not sure what to say so I just reply do you want me to ask you something. W says that not what I asked. I don't know how to answer this question and simpl say no. W then says Oh I see your ok with all of this and I havent talk to you in 2 days. W then says a couple of days ago you werent like this and now your all good. W Ask what are you doing how are you handeling this I simply told her I'm confronting it head on. She doesnt understand me, she trys to bait me into an argument or wanting to know my DB secrets I won't reveal them. being down and depressed. I notice she is getting more depressed as I keep acting as if. I had actual fun today at church and work. I laughed alot at work today. Don't get me wrong there was good conversation when she called me while I was at work but then she gets annoyed. Thats when I get off the phone. She did ask me, what do you think this is going to do, referring to how I have been more up beat and making it like it doesnt matter what I do she's not changing her mind. She did tell me to little to late and I replied better late than never. and thats when she told me I would be all good for the next women. BLah BlaH BLAH.
I do know she is seeing my changes and even challanging them and not believing in them. I have come to a relization these changes are for me and if she comes back then she gets a better man.
I see alot of clarity and all of my faults that have caused this M to be in this state. I'm going to write them down and then throw them away and continue to improve me no matter what happens. Don't get me wrong I LOVE MY W, but I have to let her go on her own journey and if she ends up back with me then Awesome. If not then I become a better man.
I forgot W asked me something along the lines of Who this is all for and really kinf=d of froze not sure how to answer didn't want to put any pressure on the R and say Us or anything like that. She said who you? I did say yes, because it is for me and if you stay it would be for you to. I didn't tell her this I thought it.
I almost get a sense she wants me to broken down and why does it seem she wants me to pursue her, like she wants me to bring up our R etc..asking me if I want to ask her anything. They sure can confuse a person.
My W would say stuff like "You'll be great for your next wife" all the time - it's jealousy speaking. They don't want the fighting, but don't want another woman to have you, especially once you start acting nice and looking good.
It is VERY important that you continue honestly answer that you're doing this for you. Don't go to church to get her back; how offensive to use God in that manner. Do it because you want to be the best you!
I would never use God that way. I really need God and church. Every time I go to church I'm at peace. I truly do want to be the best me. If the W wants back, then that's a gift from God. Thanks for the reply I will have to check your blog out
I'm not familiar with your sitch, how long were you together?
The common thing in all of our situations is that for the woman, they've been in pain for a lot longer than we realized. Most women don't want to walk away from a marriage and hang on as long as they can until they get to their breaking point, and by then its usually too late.
In the past, did y'all fight over something and then you'd change for a short while, and then things got back to the same? It's a common cycle.
You may FINALLY be doing the changes your W has been wanting for a long long time, so it's difficult for her for two reasons: She wonders if they changes are true and ever lasting, and she feels that now that she's leaving you, you want to better yourself for the next woman since you never changed for her.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
My W would say stuff like "You'll be great for your next wife" all the time - it's jealousy speaking. They don't want the fighting, but don't want another woman to have you, especially once you start acting nice and looking good.
My W was actually the best friend of a girl I was dating before W. When we broke up I started going out with W and the XGF was PI$$ED! I asked W why she was so mad when she was totally done with me and her reply was priceless: "She doesn't want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either." LOL!
Leaving, reading your first post it just sounds to me like you engage in a few days or a week of GAL and then want to declare yourself "cured", and you sound almost happy that your W seems to be reacting negatively to your GAL. This is a MARATHON. Slow your roll. Quit analyzing every little convo you have with W. I've been at this a long time (not as long as others here though) and through hindsight I can now see that all those early conversations and interactions I had with W meant NOTHING because we were both still cycling. It takes many months before you settle into your GAL and start to do things for you instead of W. Right now you're trying to convince yourself you're detached, but you're not even close yet. Be patient, stick with your DB'ing and try to quit focusing on W so much.
I can say with all certainty that the thought of me with someone else probably makes my wife ill. She knows very well that I'm not the type of person that would cry in my beer for years and years over my broken marriage, and that I would move on with my life.
BUT....that doesn't mean she is in a place where she'd be all-in about saving our marriage at the moment (although my wife hasn't filed but we are separated).
Keep DBing. Consistent, long-term change THEY can believe in is what it's all about for you, I, and many newbies on this board.
I have found so far that there is a difference between change and "honest" change. We have to ask ourselves, "is this something I'd be doing IF my marriage wasn't on the rocks?" If the answer is "no," then that isn't "honest change."
And it's so hard not to turn things petty or into a game of will power. Truly detaching is hard. I battle with it nearly every second of every day. Given the detail of what you said, it's clear that you are as well. There's nothing wrong with that though because I'd be shocked to find a guy that REALLY wants to save his marriage that is able to completely detach at the drop of a hat.
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
I haven't been on here in a while, I do appreciate the responses. I admit detaching is the hardest thing to do. I'm currently working on it. I do get a lot of joy going to church, it gives me a sense of peace. I love this women and yes I have taken her for granted. I did make some changes and I slipped back in the old routine. I don't want to slip back and I do Know My W has told me several times, that she see's my changes and even said I'm this fantastic man she has never met. She does follow up with saying I'm going to go back to my old ways. I do show her empathy when she tells me this by letting her know I understand why she would thinks because I took her for granted.
Sunday March 2, 2014. My W went to church by herself and I went with my D. My W calls to let me know she has her GF baby he's about 1 1/2 yrs old, he's really awesome. My W asked how the service was and I said great and it was about the end times. I asked her what her service was about and she stated forgiveness and some other stuff as she tells me this she puts her head down. I didn't want to push the issue so we began to play with the baby.
W asked me to stay home with her so we could enjoy the baby, so I agreed. She has complained in the past that I didn't make her a priority, so I made her one instead of going to work. My W laid her head on my lap as we watched a Disney movie with the baby. W asked me something along the lines of maybe we can work this out and if I could send her some information on how to restore our marriage.
I'm going to back up to the Wednesday Feb 26, 2014. I was on my way to work and work called me asking if I wanted the day off so I said sure. I went home changed my uniform and then went to target to pick up some razors ect... My W works right at the same corner of the store I went to and I looked over and didn't see her car so I drove the entire parking lot and no car she told me she had to work late because of a seminar. I checked the parking lot of the store I went to because sometimes they park there. I didn't see her car at all. This was around 6:30pm. I finally call her office and the answering service answers and said they are closed. Now mind you I don't have W's cell phone number, she did get a new cell phone on 2/13/14 when she filed for D. I go home and she comes home around 10:30pm. She comes in hangs her coat up and then right in the shower. I smell this strong odor of like fire wood or something as she walked by. I smelled her coat and it was strong. This is the second time I have smelled this. I smelled that same smell on her coat on Saturday when she got home at 12:45 am from her GF house, she said she was cleaning it with her. I asked if she worked late and she said yep just got out a little bit ago. I said well I got off early and came home because earlier you asked when we could talk about the tax money. So figured today would be good, but I went to the store and I didn't see your car, she said oh I parked in the store parking lot. I said well I went to that store to pick up some stuff. W why did you go to that store, Me, Because its cheap there. I said I did call but the answering service picked up and said the office was closed. There was a seminar going on but she wasn't there. I said well you weren’t there,W says, Oh what your stalking your wife now detective in a very defensive voice. I also asked why she smelled like smoke she said I don't know what your talking about and began to turn it all on me. I just simply said if something is going on it has to end and it's not my deal breaker. she said nothing is going on and some of us girls went to get a drink after work.
I just ended up dropping the whole situation and haven’t mentioned it since.
I have been talking to a DB coach, He did ask me what good is it going to do you if she is doing something like an EA or PA, I can't stop it. The DB coach has been great. He told me to just lovingly detach so much harder said then done.
Now up to date since last Sunday, this day was great with the baby, we even made love that night We had good day Monday she has warmed up to me a little bit. My DB coach said its good to pursue her a little because she felt like I neglected her by taking her for granted and not paying attention to her.
Tuesday I surprised her with a bath drawn and a massage. I sent her text telling her how much I truly appreciated her for everything she has done for me. I did not put any expectation on this. I told her she deserved it. She loved it from what I could tell. She even told me you deserve some sex for doing this but I'm so tired. I said that’s ok just go to sleep. She asked are you mad I said no.
Wednesday, I talk to W and told her I might come Home early today and she said ok I'll be there if your checking up on me. I said I'm letting you know before I come home. I get home around 9:00pm and she is cold and mad at me. I go in the bedroom to put my stuff away and she said she is tired and going to bed. She said I just want to be alone and need time to unwind some space. I said ok in a calm voice and she gets mad don’t talk all calm to me. I just said ok. She then says I just want to be pressured etc... about us. I'm like on Sunday you said maybe we could look some stuff up about restoring our M, W then says well you can send it to me in an email and maybe I will look at. I then told her ok good night I will let you go to bed.
Thursday, She gets ready for work comes in the room and tells me she leaving for work. I tell ok and she ask were are your divorce papers, I said under there, she goes well I just want to make sure you sign the service notice so they don't try to serve you at work. I said I have up to March 21. I haven’t signed the proof of service yet. No kids so trying to buy as much time. D her in MI is 3 months no kids together apparently our step kids don't count such ashamed, because its going to impact them also.
W goes to work and I already new she would not be calling me like she normally does I just know her so well. So I come home get in bed and she is huffing and puffing throw blanket around and I ask her if she is ok, she says no I’m awake now in a annoyed voice, I tell her goodnight. For the past year since I've been on afternoon shift W would always wake up and give me a kiss and say I love you to one another, that stopped on 2/13/14.
