Now What???

[RealityTrip]

What do I do????????

My old thread is locked so a new one... I'm at a work conference all day and my W texted me to tell me this:

"I know you are working and I don't want to distract you...but I am. I feel the need to call xAP about her dog that died. I'm sorry. I won't talk long. I just needed you to know. I love you. Xoxo"

Now what? I don't even want to go home because I have no idea how to act or what to say. I'm a bit indifferent and calm... but lost on how to proceed at home.

Help?

[makingmagic]

Hi RT... Im no expert (by any stretch)... sounds like she wants to be honest with you and to do the right thing by the X.

What "act" are you trying to put on?

[Wonka]

RT,

Arrrghhh. The OXW is like Whack-a-OW game! Just keeps popping up...ugh.

A few questions:

-How was your HVD date and its after effects?
-How did the two of you interact during the weekend?
-How are you feeling emotionally at this stage in regard to setting the NC boundary with W?
-What is your truth in regard to the XOW contacting W?

Answers to the above questions will aid me in giving you some input and some options.

[RealityTrip]

What "act" are you trying to put on?

I'm not trying to "Act" anything but "As If" when I'm frustrated.

RT,

A few questions:

-How was your HVD date and its after effects?
-How did the two of you interact during the weekend?
-How are you feeling emotionally at this stage in regard to setting the NC boundary with W?
-What is your truth in regard to the XOW contacting W?

Answers to the above questions will aid me in giving you some input and some options.

HVD was great. We recovered from the xAP letter and had a great time.

Emotionally at this stage I am over the xAP contact. I want complete NC. She has said she won't contact but always responds when xAP does and now is initiating herself. I am ready for a NC boundary. My W still has the thinking that one day they can still have a friendship, like they did before the affair for so many years. She is not willing to admit that this is different than any other "ex" that we are still friends with. I want xAP out of my life, even if that means losing my W.

MY truth in regards to xAP contacting my W is that I am pissed but not surprised. She's actually chasing her less than I thought she would. I need to remember that. I tried to prepare myself for it, but the truth is, that my W not drawing a strong line to protect me hurts me.

In this situation she has decided to comfort xAP and herself knowing it will hurt me but that is acceptable to her. I need to reflect on what that really means.

[Wonka]

RT,

My thought is to approach your W and reiterate how wonderful HVD was for you two. Be specific in how and why you appreciated it. For example, 'I liked how you picked out the dinner as you thought about our tastes and listened to my preferences. It shows that we work well together when we really communicate with each other.' The sandwich approach...positive, negative, and positive. You get the idea.

When setting a boundary, it requires the following:

-Clearly identifying the 'problem'
-Clearly outline why it is a 'problem'
-Clearly identifying the action to correct the 'problem'
-Clearly state the impact of not correcting the 'problem'
-Clearly state the importance of this on you and the M

Let's work together on this right here. How would you frame it with W using the above four criteria in boundary setting? How would that look to you?

I am not saying that you MUST to this tonight. I think it is important for you to work through this so you're at a place of strength and calm when you do actually initiate the convo with W on this. What do you think about this approach? If you have other ideas, then put 'em out here.

[Valeska19]

I wouldn't recommend this to newbies.. but I would really sit with this thought.

"What is best for RT right now and how can I show W this in a loving way?"

Boundaries ain't easy...however they are easier after you have created the loving/safe space that the other person can see that you are NOT trying to hurt them or have stopped loving them.

I recently set a boundary with a friend and although it is painful for the both of us... we both know that it is indeed loving at this time. She knows that I'm not trying to hurt her because I have been consistently showing her that I care for her for over a year.

Now that may change and she may become completely angry with me over time or refuse to deal with her sh!t.. so we will see what happens there.

Regardless I had to get to a mental place knowing that the boundary was the ONLY option and I had done everything I could before that. I also had to be willing to accept whatever the consequence of my setting that boundary is.

So whilst I completely agree with Wonka that strong boundaries need to be set.. and soon... I'm also curious if you have done everything you can? And are you also prepared to set the boundary - regardless of consequence? If not... how do you get there?

I'm reposting this from your other thread and want to get your thoughts on it.. because i feel it's more important now.

The harsh reality is that your wife is being selfish.. and disrespectful to you and your marriage.

You need to process your feelings for sure.. but I do wonder what would happen if you did nothing.

Didn't bring it up. Didn't make a deal out of it. Definitely don't agree with it.. but in no way participate in the guilt/victim game your wife is playing....

.... hmmm.... I just wonder.

[brando1]

RT,

Just wanted to let you know I'm reading and here for you. I agree with everything Wonka is saying. One thing that killed me when all of my mess started was when I approached my W about the love letter, she had plans the next day to go skiing with OM. I told her I was uncomfortable about it, but understood if she still went. She woke me up the next morning while getting ready to try to validate the letter as "just a friendly letter" and continued to drag me into a fight to validate her leaving. Last week, while separated, I met with W to get mail. She basically asked me why I didn't set a boundary that day. Why I "let her go" without telling her I will walk away. I told her it was because I fully trusted her. I can't go back and make that change, but I know she is clear on my boundaries now. I hope you can find your strength in this and I know you will.

[Wonka]

craning my neck around your front door

RT,

Checking in on ya...how's things going for you?

[Wonka]

Bumping....^^^ RT, how are you doing lately? Are things okay with you and W?

[RealityTrip]

I am here. I am good. W and I are doing pretty good. We are getting ready to leave this week for my birthday trip... W decided to go with. She said I was the most important thing, so we are excited to put some toes in the sand and leave the world behind for a week. My family will be there and BFF (who W is still hurt by) so I'm hoping for a cleansing reconnection week for W and the people who love her.

Since Valentine's there has not been any other communication coming from xAP (that I know of anyway). W has been very loving and affectionate still.

She had a lot of tears yesterday, she said she was sad thinking about all the times she "jumped" all over me for little things that didn't matter and how she had treated me. This was especially bad during the first year of the affair when it was underground. Education and hindsight what it is, she was treating me poorly and looking at me negatively then to justify her illicit actions and make herself feel better for what she was doing. I think she is processing all of that now. She was really, really sad yesterday talking about it. I forgave her but she spent most of the day spinning in the comments that she doesn't deserve me.

I gave her some space and left her alone but told her if she needed me just to tell me and I would listen.

On a personal GAL note, I have been SUPER busy with school and work. Little time left for a social life after it all but I'm happy doing what is making me happy at this point and growing my future.

I'm working on rebuilding trust with W. I find that I am checking up on her a little here and there. Phone records, social media, etc... Of course I'm not finding anything and I know from experience that I probablly won't because going underground is just way too easy for affair partners these days. But still I look every once in a while. I asked myself if I call that snooping? My W gave me all of her passwords to accounts in an effort to be transparent so she knows I can look, but I don't let her know that I do. I wonder why it makes be calmer when I check every once in a while? My biggest check up honestly is not on W but on xAP. I check her out on social media. I like knowing what she's doing for some reason right now... and I am finding that I am happy when she is hurting. I think that makes me sound awful but this is my safe space and I know I can speak my truth here. For example, she posted an unrequited love song late last night. A really heartbreaking song. And I had no sympathy.

Maybe it's because her pain is another affirmation that the affair is over or ending. Maybe it's because she hurt me as a close friend and has never apologized. And maybe it's just selfish validation in karma and thinking she is feeling a fraction of what I did and believing she deserves it.

I don't know what all that means or why it is what I am going through right now... but I am. So I will stay in it until I learn what is meant from it and find my way through.

My W is in so much pain from guilt and shame, the xAP is in so much pain from rejection and abandonment and I, after having weathered the biggest storm of my life alone... and numb to them a bit. I know they have to go through it. I know it's their consequences and hopefully they can grown from it. My love for my W fuels my empathy and concern for her but the xAP does not get the same from me. Even on a human level I can recognize the need for it, but I can't muster it for her and I'm not going to beat myself up about that. I am just not enlightened in this way.

Oh well. Happy Monday friends! I missed ya!