own buz 23:mediation to reconcilliation, PATIENCE!

[MrBond]

" He said he had some suggestions, but hasn't shared yet."

I have. COUNTLESS times. I'm not repeating them again. Like everyone else who have posted the same things to you over and over again. You don't listen. I'm tired of this and I think many others are too. They're just being polite to you.

"I really appreciate what you say to me. And I do re-read what you suggest before I respond."

You "read" but you don't take the extra step to try and UNDERSTAND.

"You are viewing my post as "re-wording", I thought I was responding to Job???."

No you do reword and twist what many of us say. In the end we are all saying the same thing, but you don't seem to get it and none of us want to re-word what we said to you countless times to make you understand. YOU have to take the time to try and understand on your own instead of asking questions which lead to more questions. It becomes tiring posting to you.

"I am not asking anyone to respond immediately."

Yes you do. Quite frequently.

"I know people will post when then can, or if they want to... I am not putting out a call for help, I was just posting."

Maybe in this case, but in countless others you asked immediate help.

"I am "thinking" of keeping myself distant, business only, giving/taking space, not accepting time/coffee, etc."

Do whatever you want. All those actions show you can't handle his MLC.

[Portia]

Magic,

Journalling:
I am "thinking" of keeping myself distant, business only, giving/taking space, not accepting time/coffee, etc. After the weekend, I will ask h about progress towards the division of the business.

Yes, definately get the business stuff settled.

Magic, why do YOU feel that you need to run either super hot (hotel rooms, hands on thighs) or ice cold (distant) with your SO?

There is lots of middle ground, here. Rebuild your friendship; leave reconciling your romantic relationship alone for awhile. He is obviously not ready. If nothing else, that will help your business relationship.

You have repeatedly said that you value yourself. Value yourself enough to make your own assessments, boundaries and decisions - all of us have given you the tools to work with. Your turn to do the work.

Best of Luck!!

[makingmagic]

No kidding Bond... If I could "handle" this ... I wouldn't be on this board.

You actually stated that you had some "ideas" on what to do next. I'm pretty sure that what you have given is advice, but not new ideas, like you were suggesting a few threads ago.

I know I am in a different position than where I was a few months ago, or even last month. Things are different with h, now. When I am reading other threads of people who are now piecing, the advice changed when they got to this point.

You are treating me as if I am the same. I am working on THAT. But my situation is now different. I am asking for the same advice that others are getting.

Here is AWESOME advice that I will take for myself (posted on another thread):

"That's awesome, and great job on validating and not trying to force things too quickly! I think too many people get to your point and forget the squirrel analogy and just want to get everything back to what they perceive as "normal" ASAP, so they start applying too much pressure too soon and it pushes the confused WAS right out the door again. But it's not about going back to what was, it's about building a new relationship, and that takes lots of time. It's just like starting a new R with a new person, it has to develop slowly over time. Good luck, very happy for you! "
THIS TOO:

"I totally understand. I would suggest not pressuring her about it, since she suggested MC then just wait for that and let the C work through that with the two of you. It WILL come up, and probably rather quickly. It'll probably be easier for your W to explore that with the C than just with you alone. Until then I would suggest assuming that she is still involved with OM and conduct yourself accordingly (IE, don't let her cake-eat unless she makes it clear that the A is over)."

AND THIS:

"Hey sweetie, guess you heard me whispering in your ear because you did great.

I'm happy for you, You've really grown through this.

Now comes the really hard part. Strap yourself in.

It really is best to let her drive this. Validate when you can, but, dont share too much at this time.

She needs to process all that she is feeling and it's going to be a bit of a rollercoaster for her.

The less pressure from you, the better.

Go real slow. No need to rush. It didnt take a short time for your marriage to get to where it did, it's not going to take a short time to get it to where it could be.

I know that your mind's racing right now. There will continue to be ups and downs. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Anyway, you'll be too busy continuing to work on you, right?"
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These 3 comments are given and actually encourage the LBS with action steps of what he should be doing next. To be included with more of the same suff of what he has been already doing.

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Busy day today. A few client pick-ups = $$$. Looking forward to tonight. Concert out of town with daughter. Kinda scary for me, just me and her... hopefully the weather will stay clear.

[makingmagic]

Hi Portia.

Thanks for offering me a thought to ponder.

I guess I am feeling HOT/COLD because I am tired and confused. I do want him back, but still fear losing him from this point if I do/say the wrong thing.

To try and stand behind my word. I am trying to get over that fear and accept what I say is good enough. Good enough for my new standards of valuing me.

I am not sure how a friendship would go. I do not want to remain a friend. Nor do I want to appear enabling him, while he has this other "friend". According to other threads ... now that I have made a boundary, I now need to stick behind it. I am willing to "listen" to him. But, "if" I do... I must learn to STFU. Not offer any advice or suggestions... just tell him that he will figure it out. Offer support. I just don't want to hear about her.

on the flip side: he made the decision to leave our R and now have a "friend"...there has to be a consequence to that action.

^^^^^ = more confusion.

[adinva]

Here's a thought, well, a couple of thoughts. Losing the fear is THE FIRST thing that needs to happen in DB, and all the advice all along, to focus on you, has been to get you to stop treating this like a game of strategy where you do the right things and H then becomes exactly what you wanted and you go off into the sunset together. No one has been successful in helping you see things that way, and that is why you still have this fear of losing him, this investment in the outcome, and this irritating dependence on strategy and what thing to do to get what you want. I don't know how to get you to lose that fear, because the closer you get to thinking you're reconciling, the less willing you are to really DB.

My second thought is, you're in piecing when your SO is taking concrete actions toward piecing your relationship back together. You're not in piecing and your sitch has not changed. New noncommittal words unbacked by actions are not any different from the old noncommittal words unbacked by actions. Let go of the microscope that keeps you thinking radical changes have occurred when you get an invitation to drink coffee or some other tiny event.

Do you have any of the business in your name yet? That is what I would focus on if I were you. That needs to be done.

[adinva]

One more: having coffee with him means nothing, other than that you enjoy his company more than none and that you enjoy coffee. Have coffee with him if you want to.

Making up a rule that you won't have coffee with him if he talks to the OW seems really manipulative and petty, at least to me. I don't believe in all the kibbles stuff, and I think your asking what is the right thing to do in a situation this irrelevant smacks of strategizing.

[mj0221]

I have to agree with what all adinva has just just.

A question to think about. Where would your relationship be with your SO if you didn't have the business at all?

Please listen to others, stop strategizing. That's not what DB is about. Focus on you going about your life. He is not living with you correct? Whatever relationship he has with OW is not your focus and shouldn't be as he hasn't come right out and committed himself back to you. Live your life without all the constant strategizing and maybe he will start to notice.

[makingmagic]

tx for your input Advina & mj.

I did not say that I was in piecing. I know the difference, and I know that I am not piecing. I had said that the poster who was receiving that information is now in piecing. He was recieving that advice as he was in the same position I am now in. Yes! it is a new position. A position that my h has stated several times recently. My sitch has definately changed and is VERY different. My h is now open to telling me many/much of his feelings and fears. And the "coffees" he says, are about him spending time with me, as a start. The coffee's are about him opening up....not the coffee.

His actions may be small... but they are still actions. Actions that I have not seen in almost a year! We recently had a family brunch that thrilled us all. He has since said so...with words.

I have been trying to lose the fear... I believe this follows after self-value. Which came after self-respect (and he began to respect me)...but, im not sure if this is the rule.

I am not strategizing, but am looking/seeking direction. I have not been "HERE" before. I am looking for others experiences of what they tried, and failed/succeeded to share.

..... with that said, I am not asking ANYONE to go outside of their comfort zone and reply if they do not feel inclined. If you feel you can help or advise... or have a suggestion that will make me "think"... I am open, and welcome the posts.

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To answer mj... I am not sure where we would be if we didn't have a business. When we parted. My h was very ansty and kept repeating that at least we have the business and he will see me every day. It was an insurance policy for HIM!

I think if we didnt have the business, we would be farther along...either way!

Your comment "...and shouldn't be as he hasn't come right out and committed himself back to you." is TRUE, he admittingly says he is on both sides of the fence (but Im not in competition with OW)... which is WHY I don't know what I am doing.

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Went to the doctor today, we discussed my "drinking". She did not have any issues with the amount I drank before (although it was noted), and was certainly impressed that I am off my AD's (my own efforts) and the lack of interest I now have to drink. I think if she was concerned, she would have said so. She agreed that losing my drinking buddy was a factor. And was fine when I said that I want to go back to drinking more socially again.

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Journalling:

I am doing my best DB'ing. When I dropped him off earlier this afternoon, his old behaviour came out, he got mad as I got stuck in the driveway due to snow. I said "im doing my best" "im sorry if my best is not good enough for you"... calmly. I left immediately. I did NOT get baited into any discussion or arguement....I just left.

While inbetween clients, we had coffee and extended personal time in the car. No R talks. But we did discuss sexting, etc. Interesting.

Later in the evening, while driving with DD out of town for our concert, he sends a text:

H: $$ in bank for month end for February

(driving, texted half hour later)
Me: great, tx

H: and, more importantly...

(very very long pause)

H: I apologize for the driveway situation.... you dont drive in here everyday like I do... could happen to anyone. So no buts...you didn't deserve that (as we have discussed that his apologies always have buts..)

Me: (half hour later, as driving) Ok, no worries.
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Many of you feel that I am not db'ing... and thats fine. I know that I am. I am also listening and actioning what much of your advice has been. I have made some changes in me, I have GAL, I have looked deep and saw a person who was trying to control the outcome and being manipulative, and was pushing him away, and to turn the focus on me. I have made progress and I have been to the mediator, to get things started. I did say that I will also review this again on Monday. I am very upset when you say that I do not listen and that I am always the same and that I don't listen or hear. But, thats your opinion.
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Tonights date with DD was AWESOME. I broke out of my comfort zone. I did it!! I drove 2hours away from home to put a smile on my daughters face. We had a great time. I have such an awesome amazing daughter!!

[MrBond]

"Many of you feel that I am not db'ing... and thats fine."

Nobody said that you weren't DBing. You're twisting everyone's words again. We mostly said that you haven't changed...specifically, certain behaviors (like the controlling). You're twisting what everyone has told you.

"I am very upset when you say that I do not listen and that I am always the same and that I don't listen or hear. But, thats your opinion."

Wow what an incredibly rude comment. You constantly ask for help and comments and when we tell you what YOU asked for, you now say "that's your opinion". Why does anyone bother posting to you? Have you seen how many threads you've had since you started? You saying something like "that's your opinion" is like saying "f all of you, I'm going to do what I'm going to do".

Pretty rude and insulting.

[makingmagic]

NO bond... its just saying "its their opinion"... and thanks for it.

Have you not read my threads? I am quite polite. Don't assume.

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I feel that I have changed. And so has my situation.

As for the "controlling" behaviour ~ I will consider what you are saying. I am not "seeing" it, but that doesn't mean its not happening.

If you notice (Db'ing and councelling) .... The "I" statements. This is what we are trained to do. Why would you say that its a rude comment? It states how "I" feel and I am upset.

I have never stated, "im going to do what Im going to do".... although I have been encouraged to do so. So... not understanding.

Not rude or insulting.

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I do not need countless threads of the same, telling me that I am the same.... and yes, it has been mentioned that I am not DB'ing. Have I not displayed it yet?

I feel that you in particular Bond, give me hard lessons to change myself (and I am!), however I want YOUR opinion on my relationship... and I feel you keep avoiding it. All you do is tell me what I am doing wrong with myself. Not offering suggestions on how to repair or some ideas to think about.

If you want to state that I am "controlling" and ETC... don't just label it, show me where I am doing it.