Well, the D papers are in her L's hands, and will be delivered to me in the next week or two.
Very confusing hearing my STBXW say "I love you so much" as we pack my things, to watch her cry, all while knowing she is still active in an A.
I wish my family wasn't getting shattered by this. I wonder if it would be easier if she was more angry, more defiant, not talking about having "hope" down the road. I know she probably is saying that to keep me hoping as well, but it makes me want to scream at her. I don't, though. I don't even bring up the A- haven't for over two months.
I've made changes, continuing to work on my own issues, and I am, for all intents happier about life. Meds for my depression have helped me "see" for the first time in years.
I'm a great father to my two boys, and she openly says this often. Most women would stay with a man whose made changes and is active with their kids…PEAs have a devil-ish hold, I guess.
I want to keep what love I have for her left, but it's hard when I know she's been lying and carrying on with OM. My hope is that the A dies before I've moved too far on. My boys are young, and I want them to have their family together.
My mistakes haunt me, but I won't let them define me. I've learned, am learning, and am committed to being a better man, and an even better dad than I have been.
I don't want to ignore her, and I can't as we will have constant contact because of the kids- we're 50/50, so for that I can be grateful. But, I don't want her to feel that I will be an awaiting Plan B…that's the rub…I don't want to just move on either. Affairs are one of the worst things that can happen to anyone, this I know. I've felt now for months that someone close to me has died, and that feeling gets recycled every few days.
