Wife moved out to be with her Tour Guide Lover

[Oxford1]

Mr. Bond

Also realize that today was a big important day for me and I was a wreck last night. Just give me that,

Thanks

[gogofo]

Oxford1, I understand feeling left behind and unsupported by the forum. When I first joined I was in a panic and felt I was in a race against time. I felt that my next move was going to be life or death for my M.

I was wrong and my panic slowly subsided. The only thing that made my panic subside was working on myself.

Use the time between comments on your thread to work on yourself. Be introspective, look at yourself and find what you like and don't like; not what your wife likes and dislikes. Read other threads on here that have people in similar situations. Even though they were not specific to me, I have learned just as much from other people's situations, their actions, and advice people gave to them.

You need to do your work, no one else can do it for you.

Finally you need to work on detaching. You cannot control the OM's actions, your wife's actions or anyone else's so why would you let their actions control your feelings? I understand this is easier said than done and detachment does not come to you over night. But it will never come if you do not work on it. A suggested reading that put it in different words that helped me is the Livestrong website article on detachment. Google "Livestrong detachment" and read it.

Keep working on yourself and try not to think about anything else. Remember that this is a marathon not a sprint. The time you have should be seen as a gift.

[ye21]

Oxford1 there is something you have now for sure and its yourself, the other thing its time, relax and read before you do anything else, there is not fix in a slow time, it might exist but it will only be a temporary fix not a permanent one.

Now, go ahead and read my sitch, you will see an EGO drived person who came here bombing with post and expecting responses from members within minutes....I didnt got the responses, infuriated me and went to attack members, I attacked their comments, MrBond will give you great responses, and many other members, our responses are time responses, what that means? It means that now at this point where you are you will not agree with most of them, in a few weeks, months, you will agree with them, this is a spiritual path and everyone of the members here who reconcile will tell you that the biggest change they experienced was to become more spiritual oriented, they grew up and experience changes they never tough possible.

I am getting there, and you can too, keep reading and if you need to, write notes.
This should be your homework from now on and for the next 2 or 3 weeks:

Every day do this:
-3 gratitudes
-exercising
-meditation
-journaling
-ramdom acts of kindness

For example: you wake up in the morning and you say 3 times thank you, thank you for being alive, thank you for having a roof, thank you for having food.

Then you exercise anytime during the day, you can start with 10 or 15 minutes at the beginning but definetly exercise.

Start the morning with a 10 or 15 mins meditations, there are many apps that can keep you on track.

Journaling: you can write down in a notebook or journal how you feel in this forum.

Ramdom acts of kindness: give your place on the line to an elder, help somebody with their groceries or simply ask from your heart to the person who you get the coffee from how was their day, show that person that you really mean it.

All those things will help you to start developing a change, if you want a change in your life you have to start with microchanges, thats a way to start focus in the changes you have done and dont say things like, I just exercise 10 mins, I wish I could exercise 2 hours.... Evenctually youll get there

[MrBond]

See my point was that you still have control issues and it shows. You have these "expectations" that you seem to have on things, even in a FREE forum.

Case in point...

"Also realize that today was a big important day for me and I was a wreck last night. Just give me that,"

That line alone is similar to your "well I did this, BUT SHE DID THIS!" mentality. A little humility would serve you well. Also, usually on the weekends there aren't many people posting.

As for your conversation with your W. You did a good job in terms of laying down your boundaries. One thing you should work on though is releasing your resentment towards your W. That is something that you haven't seemed to work out yet and it bubbles up alot.

[Oxford1]

Oxford1 there is something you have now for sure and its yourself, the other thing its time, relax and read before you do anything else, there is not fix in a slow time, it might exist but it will only be a temporary fix not a permanent one.

Good that you agree. Actually I have some updates for the board, but I know I have time. I just hate that she's sharing a bed with this guy. The mind movies kill me.

Now, go ahead and read my sitch, you will see an EGO drived person who came here bombing with post and expecting responses from members within minutes....I didnt got the responses, infuriated me and went to attack members, I attacked their comments, MrBond will give you great responses, and many other members, our responses are time responses, what that means? It means that now at this point where you are you will not agree with most of them, in a few weeks, months, you will agree with them, this is a spiritual path and everyone of the members here who reconcile will tell you that the biggest change they experienced was to become more spiritual oriented, they grew up and experience changes they never tough possible.

I am getting there, and you can too, keep reading and if you need to, write notes.
This should be your homework from now on and for the next 2 or 3 weeks:

Every day do this:
-3 gratitudes. THIS IS A GREAT IDEA
-exercising. NOT A PROBLEM I AM A GYM RAT.1-2 Hours a day...
-meditation NEED TO DO MORE OF THIS
-journaling. I DO THIS BUT NOT CONSISTENTLY
-ramdom acts of kindness , I TRY TO DO THIS ALL THE TIME EVEN MY WIFE AGREES HER BUT I WILL BE CONSCIOUS OF IT.

For example: you wake up in the morning and you say 3 times thank you, thank you for being alive, thank you for having a roof, thank you for having food. THIS IS A GREAT IDEA

Then you exercise anytime during the day, you can start with 10 or 15 minutes at the beginning but definetly exercise.

Start the morning with a 10 or 15 mins meditations, there are many apps that can keep you on track.

Journaling: you can write down in a notebook or journal how you feel in this forum.

Ramdom acts of kindness: give your place on the line to an elder, help somebody with their groceries or simply ask from your heart to the person who you get the coffee from how was their day, show that person that you really mean it.

All those things will help you to start developing a change, if you want a change in your life you have to start with microchanges, thats a way to start focus in the changes you have done and dont say things like, I just exercise 10 mins, I wish I could exercise 2 hours.... Evenctually youll get there

[Oxford1]

See my point was that you still have control issues and it shows. You have these "expectations" that you seem to have on things, even in a FREE forum.

Case in point...

"Also realize that today was a big important day for me and I was a wreck last night. Just give me that,"

That line alone is similar to your "well I did this, BUT SHE DID THIS!" mentality. A little humility would serve you well. Also, usually on the weekends there aren't many people posting.

As for your conversation with your W. You did a good job in terms of laying down your boundaries. One thing you should work on though is releasing your resentment towards your W. That is something that you haven't seemed to work out yet and it bubbles up alot.

Thank you for pointing out the resentment side. I think that was one of our marital issues always blaming the,other...man my family were experts,at that.

I agree I had control issues. I can tell you that what my wife needed to see and understand was that I worshiped her, I put her on a pedestal and felt she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I had a hard childhood, and I think I tried to control the one thing that I truly card about my family. The. The fact that her mother had affairs pulled at my psyche...and what did I do ....I lost my wife...

Just realize I am trying to break her grip on me. I really do love her and am willing to let her to for her own happiness.

[Oxford1]

The bubbling up is also what pushed her away. She would accuse me of digging her relationship with the OM.

I am glad she's moving home,but is that the right thing to do.. Financially right now,we need to,do,this, plus when she cries it tears my heart out and I think she knows it.

She told me she cried in the meeting because of the look on my face. How can she not be in love,with me and cry cry for me at the same time?

[MrBond]

"I agree I had control issues. "

You mean you HAVE control issues. You have to learn to work through that so that any plan you have for your W will make it seem as if she came up with the idea.

[hrthrt9]

"She told me she cried in the meeting because of the look on my face. How can she not be in love,with me and cry cry for me at the same time?"


Because she's not "in love". She has "love" for you, but feels "in love" with someone else. Somewhere inside she knows it's not right, but it is what she feels- and all she will go with is emotions. She may also be feeling guilty because getting what she wants (someone else) means hurting you and the family. This will not stop anytime soon either, so back your bags for the long trip.

[Oxford1]

"I agree I had control issues. "

You mean you HAVE control issues. You have to learn to work through that so that any plan you have for your W will make it seem as if she came up with the idea.

Are there any reading materials etc on control issues etc?