MY LIFE IS WHAT I MAKE IT AND IT IS AWESOME !

[Ambivalent]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2420344&page=1

I don't know how to put all of the other's up, but that's my last one.

I'm not as moody, the days of mourning get shorter and further apart. I am blessed to have this forum and my FB support. My daughter of two, is incredibly supportive, and I'm dating. WOW!

In less than two months it will be the one year mark for the BD. I believe I will have a t-shirt made.

I will probably send my H. a thank you card once all the legalities have been put into place. For he has given me the best gift he's ever given, aside from my two beautiful children.

He has given me the chance to rediscover myself, learn my body, find my incredible strength [ which I didn't know I had ], and tap into the joy and love that was always there. I am dating, and enjoying the ride for now.


Speaking of JTM phoned on the way to dance class last night. We set up a time today to get outside and then go be together alone. It will be a long a luscious date, for which I look forward. He is a gentle giant 6'6". Former Marine judge advocate. Currently he is a magistrate.

Knows how to pursue, chase, arouse, woo, and please. A gentleman through and through. Always places me in a safe position, opens my doors, speaks softly.

Of late he has shared his marriage, relationships with his kids. He has learned much from his wife running. He is introspective, and has the best P M A . We are both on the same page with out attitudes about our past , and the spouses . No bitterness from either of us. YAY! Love is in his heart, and mine as well.

I have figured out how to sleep the night! Nyquil... only problem for me is awakening in the morn.

Still fighting a cold, but it is not beating me..."I SHALL WIN!", says the wee woman.

Sun is a shining and I'm off to the gym, after another wee nap. Ha!

Job, yes I concur with the martyr bit. He isn't eating Ramen... matter of fact he has an expense account for which he uses quite regularly... I'm sure Julie is dined on that one. He also just got back from a trip in Arizona. My heart does not bleed for the man. He isn't happy though, I can see it and it is coming to him slowly. He'll take the whole five years.

I thought I'd stand for them, but realized I don't have the stomach to watch or participate in the destruction and havoc he has and is wreaking.

Anyhow, going back to take another nap, and then get ready for my time today with JTM. YAY!

[BrightFuture]

Ambiv, I’m really impressed with your recovery. It has been almost 2 years for me since BD, and I’m still not anywhere close to where you are. I know I’m not ready for dating. I wish I knew your secret. After these many years of marriage, how did you manage to get over H so quickly? It doesn’t seem that you are sad about the end of your M, or are you? I’m not trying to bring the bad feelings, but I would really love to be where you are.

[Ambivalent]

Hugs and a pump to you Brightness.

It really is about me throwing myself out there. Funny John and I discussed this topic together. He knows of men who have taken five to ten years to get over the trauma.

I believe men have it a bit tougher , for the ego is involved. I dated a lot prior to my marriage. I had watched my Dad walk away/cheat. I had also lost my first " puppy love ".

Truly the "trick" for me was a combination of different things. I lost weight, and work out consistently. I dance three times a week. This means I'm touching men, they are touching me. We HAVE to interact and learn to listen, the man to lead, and me to follow.

Learning to follow, is learning to listen. I threw myself out there... meaning I went to a dance all by myself.

I danced and watched. It was difficult, out of my comfort zone. But I kept at it. Slowly I got positive feedback. I'm not the person he made me out to be. I have energy, humor, love, and empathy. I am a vivacious fun loving , caring individual.

I have a joyful spirit and will NOT allow his misery to pull me down. I am STRONG, that I didn't know. He ran, he avoided, he is weak. H. is not a bad man... he is JUST a man!

By January , after two fires, getting through Christmas, dealing with the spew from oldest daughter... well I just had an Epiphany.

My new friends at dance would constantly tell me how good I looked, how happy I was, and noticed the change from August! I let them in, I allowed myself to feel good. I put myself on a dating site, and I knew I was ready.

My profile is strong, funny, and compassionate. I don't mess around with ANYONE that is going through crisis, and only those who have been widowed or were the ones left. It weeds out quite a bit.

After going on several dates, well it is also affirming. My inner joy oozes from my pores and I've always been energetic. JTM is special to me, and I know I am to him, however I still date others...I will NOT put all my eggs into one basket.

I'm not saying I'd be intimate with multiple partners, for that isn't my style either, but I will not isolate myself until it is mutually agreed upon.

School helped as well, the support of the women. They saw me go through the worst of it. This board is priceless, as well as MWD's book.

I believe in myself, and that it is just a part of what has made me who I am. I can now touch people , hug them, stroke them, pet them. I couldn't do that before. I'm a bit warmer and less judgmental. That too feels good.

Bright , find for what YOU have a passion. What gives YOU such inner joy? We cannot change the course that the spouse is on. It is futile to even think that can be done.

By letting go earlier, you may surprise yourself. Sometimes it shakes the spouse, sometimes it doesn't, but it has to be real.

I do mourn the death of a family, and what was a pretty darn good marriage. The sex was really the only thing that was bad for me. I know I was hurt, and stuffed so much down, and I know that I needed to learn and let go. I researched, read, discovered my own body and learned what felt good. I am no longer feeling as though something was wrong with me. I know I am very sensual and everything works more than just fine, it is incredible and I am much more sensitive than I thought. I'm so fortunate I discovered this finally! HA!
I We had normal issues and even some really challenging ones, due to our oldest daughter. We were together a total 34 years, if you count our dating.

Nobody stays together THAT long without something being right! I will hold onto what was good and great, and learn from what wasn't! I already have so far, and have more work to be done. The net has helped as well as books.

So it isn't one magic trick, it is a culmination of work. Seeking to find information, learning from errors. Throwing myself out there and knowing I'm worth so much more than shriveling up and dying a bit every day.

Ask me anything and I'll be open and honest with you. But right now I have a very special date. He is very active, always concerned with my blood pressure, and helps me to burn calories and fat! My elliptical at the gym!

Toodles

[Ambivalent]

Good morning!

I'm still having difficulty sleeping through the night. I don't know if this is now a pattern my body had gotten into or menopause! Last night I tried melatonin. I fell asleep quickly but that hasn't been my issue, STAYING down has.

I'm now sleeping in another room, another bed to see if that may help. I don't allow myself to do anything but sleep in that bed. No reading, no phone, no computer.

I also have found I don't think about my H. unless it is brought up. THAT feels very good. And when I do think or speak of him, I'm not really feeling anything. Strange, but oh so peaceful.

Much to do today, the house needs some picking up, I need to get to the gym and school, then off to dance class... YAY! It is what keeps this ol' gal humming.

[Ambivalent]

Yesterday was a busy do nothing day... Spoke with attorney and we're filing. Got to hair apt. And had my former employer sign off on extern hours... Went to gym and worked hard, and later went to dance.

Dance was great. Moved for hours and loved every minute. Can't decide whether to see someone tonight or go to another dance. I'm sure the answer will present itself soon.

[Ambivalent]

Fabulous weekend! JTM planned a fun filled two days for us and I just enjoyed every second of it.

At one point our conversation became very intimate, and I was triggered and started to weep. He held me closely, told me to let it all out and that I was safe. He spoke of my being hurt and that I deserved to be loved, cherished and appreciated.

It was amazing and surprising . I sobbed.
The whole time we are together , he strokes, pets, pats, squeezes and kisses me. For someone who couldn't stand to be touched as a child, resisted it as a teen, and accepted touch as an adult, I have come to now appreciated and enjoy it today. This is part of the gift that my H. gave to me.

I'm fortunate to have JTM in my life. Where it leads and for how long is unknown. He is here for a reason, and I'm just going to flow with it.

Later today I'll see my youngest daughter... we're going to do a wee bit of shopping and have a light supper.

The week was hard for me, but this weekend was so sweet. I would like to see some things balance out for me. I know I have to be the one to work on this, new challenge!

[Ambivalent]

Today started out lovely... sun is blazing and there is just a bit of a nip in the air.

JTM and I saw a movie late yesterday afternoon. He is going down to see his daughter again, this time with youngest sister. He always makes sure we get fit in. LOVE that!

At the theater he flipped up the armrest and we cuddled the whole movie. I don't believe two humans could get physically closer, except when making love.
The whole time we were entwined he strokes and kisses. There is no doubt physical touch is HIS love language. For someone who was a " touch me not " when younger...I am loving this.

This morning I awakened to a lovely message.

" Good morning Angel. How are you? So wonderful to have you in my arms yesterday." I replied and then he sent a "kiss"
I thanked him for our time and told him it is always special.
" Thank you baby. I will be thinking of you all day. "

Thank you God , and DB'S things are not what they were almost a year ago.

[BrightFuture]

Ambiv, I was “touch me not” when I was a kid. I think this was part of my problem in my M, because I also withheld some physical touch from H. I’m a changed person now.

My H was like that when we just for married, and for a few years after that. He would send me the post cards and notes saying that he missed me. It was pretty amazing considering that he is not a guy who can express his feelings easily. Recently I was going through some stuff and found these cards and notes. It made me cry.

The key is to not lose this connection, to always be a woman of his dreams. And you can do it now, after you went thought a school of DB and learnt a lot about the relationship. I have much hope for you.

[Ambivalent]

Gabby and Bright,

Thank you for such sweet and kind words. JTM is a lovely and sweet man. So far so good. The more I learn about him the more I like him. I still think to myself..." Is this for real ? " He appreciates the same things I do, and he verbalizes his thoughts about them and me. VERY heady stuff.

I'm down another few pounds, total 55. YAAAAAAY! Tonight I'm meeting another person from O.K.C.

I'm sure some of you think " why ? ". Well it's so I don't become so dependent on the interaction of JTM. I need to keep some perspective and distance to protect myself, at this point and time.

The person I'm meeting was an individual I met back in Jan. The same time as JTM. Just recently we've been talking on the phone.

We've had marathon sessions , 8, 5, 6 hour long conversations. What a life he's had! Adopted from a WWII orphanage in his formative years. He's 64. Both adoptive parents were alcoholics . Father was abusive to him and beat his wife. He managed to go to high school with honor grades, was an athlete and went on to college. He was commissioned into the Marines and made a good career . He married and his wife was bi-polar and always trying to commit suicide.

Imagine being deployed and having people on hand to keep your spouse from killing themselves. The stress and pressure was enormous. Presently he is a retired former marine col. Works as a contractor and is a high school and college umpire for the sport of baseball. I'm meeting him tonight and we're going to make it a late night date! It should be interesting and fun.



Ambi Valent DB

21 hours ago


.



I finally got the draft for the filing of divorce and Pendent L. I added some corrections and suggestions. I 'm feeling okay I guess. Just anxious about going through everything. Filed on grounds of abandonment and desertion. Not going for adultery ( the prostitute ) and Julie. Don't want to go there.

I am feeling odd about it all. Numb? Lack of sensory perception, apathy? Part of me wants it done, the other is ashamed and sad. It may not be logical, this I understand. There is another part that looks forward to not worrying about if he comes by or not.

I spoke with daughter no. 1 yesterday. She mentioned " Daddy ". I did feel a physical reaction. It wasn't anger, bitterness, longing, melancholy or the like. It was a twinge of jealousy, and resentment. Probably because I know she keeps in contact with him due to money, not because he actually has a deep bond. It is a co-dependent relationship. She needs, he needs to be a hero. I am the " bad guy ", he gets to be the good.

I went through Hell for and with this child, and part of me feels disposed by both. I don't stew on it, and am actually okay with the reality. Just feeling the emotions. I need to state that I'm concerned with how things will proceed , now that things are fleshing out in writing. I have anxiety about moving... will I be forced to do so, where would I go, how do I move such a big house hold into a smaller place? I have a bit of frustration over a unilateral decision being made by one partner, which has major negative consequences on the other. Me and yes the psychological consequences of our two daughters.

One person turns everyone else's worlds upside down. Did you know that the marriage contract is the only contract where on person can get out ?

So this is my life, the good and the bad. The happy and sad nothing held back.

I actually slept well last night. I am cherishing nights like these, they are few and don't happen regularly. Today I'm going to the gym, weeding, and then a nap for tonight! I'll probably stop in to a party and then scoot on to meet Paul.

[Ambivalent]

Had the date, meh. Much older than I would like to date.

I also saw the Colonel this past Tuesday eve. He is an odd bird, no pun intended. I believe he is very wounded and is really not ready to date. He is a brilliant man, but he presents like a teen age boy at times.

My heart is still with JTM. So far there is not much I don't like about this man. In the beginning I wasn't sure if he was young enough. I felt comfortable with him, but by the third date, he had me. Ha!

He has shared how much he likes me, being with me and all that goes with. I adore his sense of humor and timing. We've been seeing each other since late January, early Feb. It became very regular by the beginning of March. I think of him regularly and miss him. I ache when not with him. He brings joy and laughter. I like who I am when I'm sharing time. I want to know as much about him as I may.

He shares his children and events of his family. JTM makes time for us, even when his work schedule is so time consuming. This month has been difficult, due to visiting his daughter and bringing family down to see her perform these past few weekends. Yet when he got home last Sunday, he texted and called. We saw each other and it was so nice.

One thing that is difficult , coming out of a marriage and then dating someone. We are used to being with someone we love or care about everyday.
When dating, that is not the case. It feels odd to have the distance, physically and time wise. Another thing, I was a girl dating a boy, and I married a young man. I have never dated a man until now. There is a difference, maturity and experience. It does take some getting accustomed.