Great stuff from Bug and Lost. I'm not an expert on happiness, however I do agree our culture has created concept of "happiness" that is difficult to achieve- much less sustain.
I can absolutely relate to the feeling that the person you chose is behaving in a way you never thought possible. We all make mistakes and everyone 's r or m has issues. However , the one thing that helps is when you truly recognize that your h makes those decisions. HE is choosing other things over you and your relationship. You have worked hard on making you and even better 3Boyz and you sound like an incredible mother. If he can't truly see that you are the prize, that's his loss. I know that's painful, but it doesn't mean you made a bad choice. You have 3 wonderful kids and every day is a gift. You are showing them strength in challenging situations and even though young, they will remember that. You are doing great!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I really like where labug is taking you. Our society has such a convoluted perception of happiness....We are taught that it is very much tied to outside influences like a pretty flower, warm sun, a tender kiss, intimate moment, or a child's smile. Once you start working on getting in touch with your true inner self (it takes a lot of work to reprogram yourself) things truly change.
Your happiness does not hinge on outside influences....It comes from within. How your world is changes to something different...How you will react to others changes. It is quite substantial and worth the work, but you have to do the work and not just post facebook stickers about it.
Elevate yourself from within and you will be to control how the outside things affect you.
Fits right with this quote by the author of The Happiness Trap: “The world is full of people who are trying to purchase self-confidence, or manufacture it, or who simply posture it. But you can’t fake confidence, you have to earn it. If you ask me, the only way to do that is work. You have to do the work.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I definitely need to work on this and maybe pick up The Happiness Trap. I have come a long way since last year, but I still have a way to go to reach a point where the outside influences don't affect me as much. But I am ready and willing to do the work.
I had an interesting conversation with H on Sunday. It was our first "family night" since our boundaries conversation a few weeks ago. We were eating dinner and H said "this is really good. You will have to teach me some recipes since I don't know how to cook." To which I thought (but did not say) "No thank you. I am not teaching you to cook so you can make dinner for yourself and god knows who else at your bachelor bad." I said "I guess you decided to definitely move." When he originally told me, he just said that it was a possibility but he was not definite.
H said that things had changed on Easter when I decided not to attend his family's celebration and he told his extended family. He said that he was not ready to tell everyone and that he was crying hysterically when he sent the email to his extended family letting them know about our S. He said that it made it real. He had tears in his eyes as he was telling me about it.
I asked him why he did not tell me this at the time...why he waited until after the fact. He said that this is so hard for him and that I don't understand that it is hard for him. I explained that I know that it is not easy for him, but since he never shows emotion or shares his feelings, it feels like he is okay with things and moving forward with his new life. He just said that it is not like that at all.
He said that he was not ready to tell people and that it felt wrong but that I accelerated it by saying I did not want to attend Easter. He says that he is not ready to get his own place but feels like he has to make a quick decision because he can get this place with no lease which makes him feel okay about his decision because he can leave at any time.
I asked him "If this is so hard and these decision feel wrong, why do you keep making them and sticking with them." He just looked at me with tears in his eyes. The conversation ended and he headed out.
The good news...this conversation felt different. I felt more detached. Despite his tears, I did not jump back on his roller coaster. I did not second guess my decision to limit our conversations to kids/bills. I wonder if H notices the difference in me and that it what bothered him. I think that H was expecting me to be a mess on Easter and I was honestly okay. H said something about me not being emotional and only having two breakdowns since BD. He must be delusional because I can barely get through a R talk without crying.
While I wish things were different, I know that things have to be this way for now. And I am okay with it for the first time since BD. My H is confused and really needs to figure this out for himself. I am just going to get out of his way
It did appear that he was scapegoating me. I immediately called him out on it. I told him that I did not change things or make things "real" by not going to Easter. I told him that this is our reality because he checked out, he had an A, he moved out in July, he decided to not try and he decided to move again into his own place. I told him that he chose this reality and I am simply trying to live my life in light of his decisions. He said that he did not mean it that way and that he was just trying to share how hard Easter and the past few weeks have been.
My H does have a huge problem taking ownership of his decision. He ALWAYS blames everyone else for everything. His decision to get his own place was not his decision but his therapist's recommendation. His DUI was not his fault, it was the OW's fault (she grabbed the wheel which caused him to swerve) and the cop's fault because he was a jerk. The fact that his sentence was not reduced was this attorney's fault (and in turn my fault since I recommended the attorney). His A was my fault because I pushed him away and did not offer the things OW offered.
It is so much easier to see it now. H always turned things around on me during our M. I don't buy it anymore and I will no longer take ownership for anything that I did not cause.
3boyz, glad to hear that you are in such good spirits. Sounds like you handled the situation in a very positive manner.
Stay Strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Wow 3, great posts. Great observations in your H problem solving or lack thereof. You sound really good. Don't you find that happens after a period of weakness, sadness, or anger? I sure do. I find that now I'll cry, cry hard. Then, move on to the next item of business. No more sobbing all day, but also no more stuffing my feelings just to have them reappear with a vengeance.
Your H sounds really conflicted and I think you handled the situation really well. He just can't put his finger on you anymore. You've changed and he doesn't simply want to walk away. He needs time and he is so blessed to have a devoted wife that is giving him that gift. You're awesome 3!
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
It is good to see you are growing like a butterfly from the caterpillar. You are doing very well
As for your last post...great stuff not being the scapegoat and expecting what is yours and nothing else.
Also a bit of sage wisdom, if you reconcile I suggest a strong boundary....Your husband needs to start accepting responsibility for his actions. True 100% responsibility for everything he does. A person who cannot do this is in my life experiences is lacking in self confidence, integrity, and personal conviction. To pass the buck for ones actions is easy, to accept that what one did is wrong/selfish/etc is much harder.
So a choice for you (reconcile or new relationships) is do you want a person who passes the buck or one who takes ownership of their faults? This can apply to everything from spouses, friends, co-workers, etc....
