Unlearning conflict avoidance 12

[LuckyLuke]

Action: W came in this morning, 5 minutes before leaving with d16 for work (so at 6.10am), and told me she and d16 are going to Greece for 4 days, leaving directly after work. D16 came in and hugged (I was still in bed) and kissed me.

Later d16 sent this SMS: "Hi Pa! Sorry for not telling you, I was a bit ashamed. But have a really nice time in America, and keep me posted. Hug and kiss, d16". I SMSed back "I love you very much, d16, so of course it is not a problem. Have a good time - it is the largest old medieval city in Europe - take pictures please - love and kisses - Pa".

I leave for the US on Friday, gone a month, including probably a trip to Hawaii where my nephew is graduating high school. As I've not taken any vacation yet this year, am also thinking of going for a long weekend to New Orleans.

Took s20 to airport yesterday morning, so he is back at school now. It always hurts to have him leave, and I sent him this SMS (explanatory background: it was cheaper, oddly, to fly business class than economy...): "Dear s20 - hopefully you are now comfortably ensconced in the lounge and enjoying the victuals on offer - I am a nature reserve for bird watching. You will always be my favorite guy and the apple of my eye. Have a good flight and best of luck with your tests. Much love - Pa".

Of course I love my kids.

Why did W not tell me earlier about Greece trip? Is this her revenge for the (yet untaken) Sicily trip? I so seldom get any significant time with d16. Perhaps D really is the solution.

Lots of plants being prepped for garden, so we are presumably here until harvest at least. Am I being exploited?

Actions: going cycling with French friend, who also has marital troubles. Will see if we can share more and deepen the friendship. This afternoon I will go see the (four hour) new Heimat film, in Stockholm.

Bonfires tonight, all over Sweden, a pagan goodbye to winter.

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Bond, Wonka - sorry for not replying to your questions and points (it drives me nuts when the same is done to me...)

Wonka - your father sounds like he was a good man, who loved you. I am sorry for your loss.

(Willy Wonka, the Gene Wilder version, is a hero in this household, by the way, and I always thought you were a man... sorry).

Bond - I had a lawsuit on my neck, for all I was worth, though I was innocent, a few years ago. That broke a cog upstairs, so to speak, and I had panic attacks and depression, for which I got meds. They helped, though with headaches, so I gave them up after things then worked out. CBT has been very helpful, though I haven't seen an IC for a year or so now.

I simply feel that my W has won in regards to my d16, out-charming me, being more interesting than I, being more open than I, etc.

W also doesn't ask, or only seldom so, about my day or what I've done. For instance, I was at a meetup about possible futures a while ago, very interesting, which could have been interesting to talk about. W asked nothing.

I sent W the (excellent) editorial from the latest Jacobin magazine, which discusses a question my W and I have wondered about for years. No response.

Luke

[MrBond]

Wait a minute. Are you actually telling us that you don't mind your W just taking your D without telling you for 4 days, yet you get upset at her not closing a window? What's wrong with this picture? You should have put your foot down and told her that when it comes to the children, she HAS to tell you.

"I simply feel that my W has won in regards to my d16, out-charming me, being more interesting than I, being more open than I, etc."

BS. You were doing better at opening up to your d. Your relationship isn't a lost cause. That's just you saying that to yourself. The only person stopping you from having a good relationship with your d is you.

"W also doesn't ask, or only seldom so, about my day or what I've done. For instance, I was at a meetup about possible futures a while ago, very interesting, which could have been interesting to talk about. W asked nothing."

So what? That shouldn't stop you from engaging with her or not.

"I sent W the (excellent) editorial from the latest Jacobin magazine, which discusses a question my W and I have wondered about for years. No response. "

Same here.

Geez man! Get some b@ll$ for goodness sake and get off the pity party.

[LuckyLuke]

So I don't see my W for a month+ now. Do I text her? Write her a note before I leave? Send her an email from the States?

The content would be woven from what you said, Mr. Bond, something like:

"Being told you and d16 are going to Greece today, 5 minutes before leaving, was quite a surprise this morning. Tell you what - let's make a deal. Anything that concerns the kids we tell each other, okay?"

Luke

[adinva]

Take out the "let's make a deal" sentence. We all know she doesn't make deals with you. Take out "okay?" - you're not asking her a favor. Add specific about when you tell each other. She did tell you...five minutes before leaving. I think you mean tell each other *during the planning stages*.

Is there an "or else" that you can think of? I think it's this, but you may or others may have better ideas. "For the good of our daughter, her mom and dad must be good coparents. We may not be in a marriage but we will always both be her parents. If you expect me to tell you my plans with our kids, I expect you to do the same."

If this does turn out to be related to your unilateral decision to take S on a trip, you should apologize for that and agree now that you know how it feels to have a decision like that made without your input, you think you both should be more forthcoming about your plans.

[MrBond]

Exactly what advina said. Stop being so polite to her and start taking charge. If you send her that message you wrote, she'll just roll her eyes and huff under her breath.

That's why I've been pushing for you to have SOME kind of communication ongoing with her. Instead, you've avoided her so much that you don't even talk to each other. It only takes one person to change the dynamic. You have every opportunity to do so.

[LuckyLuke]

Adinva, Bond,

Thanks - I was wondering what the threat part of my message to her should consist of ("I'll divorce you"? - darn, that one is already taken...).

Bond, I have been trying and succeeding in having some sort of communication with W. This typically takes the form of "how was your day?" or perhaps "did you see/hear...?", seeing if some sort of more regular interchange, regardless of content, could happen. W is a bit more talky, so I suppose that is a small success, though it is more due to my pulling then her giving.

This trip quite possibly has roots in my unilateral decision to take son for trip, my travel to the States 4-5X per year (this time including a trip to Hawaii), and my recent business trip to Budapest (W made a clearly jealous statement when I left the house then). I don't begrudge her this trip at all. I do wish d16 would spend more time with me, though, when in spite of my various invitations she has not come with me.

I should explain that d16 and w are very close - their bedroom doors are open to each other, they sometimes snuggle in the same bed in the mornings, d16 will often put her head on W's lap after dinner, etc. W told (I overheard) a close friend that d16 considers W her best friend, and shares everything with her.

So I suppose I should tell W that s20 and I are (re)scheduled to travel to Sicily over Christmas break, and that I am thinking of taking d16 to Japan over fall break (d16 specifically said she could imagine going back there)? I am also playing with the idea of taking d16 to London (cheap flights to there from here) for a long weekend. I know (via d16) that W is thinking of taking a multi-day hike up Sweden's highest mountain with d16, and that someone (presumably at least W, maybe also d16) are going to a 10K race in Stockholm. Should I ask about these smaller events/outings?

I've hidden the laptop d16 has asked for under her dresser. She is expecting this when I return, so this will be a surprise while I am gone.

Saw "Home away from Home" ("Die andere Heimat") last night, the Walpurgis night bonfire was still going when I returned, in a light drizzle, late.

May 1, the occasional snowflake blowing by, Sweden -

Luke

[adinva]

Put yourself in your W's shoes, and ask your question again ("so I suppose I..."). If you were her, would you want to know that S20 and you have some plans, and you're thinking of taking d16 to Japan? I know I would not like to be blindsided by these after they are a done deal.

Your D's love is not a finite quantity. What your W gets is not less for you. Stop competing with your W; you seem to use that self-defeating standpoint to excuse not trying to get out of your shell with your D.

[LuckyLuke]

Hi Adinva,

Okay, point taken, "do unto others...".

I do feel like I am competing for the limited time my d16 is available; yes,the love is not finite, but unfortunately the time is not.

The only approaches I can see to have more time with d16 are proposing things, being more interesting to d16 than W, and simply telling her that I feel like I hardly see her, with the sadness implied. Even just picking her up from the train station (3 minutes away) is wonderful.

That is why a D may be a 'solution', as presumably d16 would then feel obligated to spend time with me, though being 16 she is not, so creating the possibility of seeing her even less.

Luke

[MrBond]

"That is why a D may be a 'solution', as presumably d16 would then feel obligated to spend time with me, though being 16 she is not, so creating the possibility of seeing her even less."

I wasn't sure if you were being serious or just joking. So, you actually think that if you D, you will be able to spend more time with your d16 because she will be "obligated" to do so? Your d16 LIVES WITH YOU RIGHT NOW and you rarely take advantage of it. What makes you think when you have her half of the time, that you will spend more time with her?

More excuses on your part. Rather than taking the initiative of doing something now, you're relying on a D to force your d16 to spend time with you. Stop with the excuses and get a grip.