I am fare from a vet here on the forums but I was reading through some of your most current posts and wanted to let you know that I can relate in some small way. I have not read all of your sitch but will try to catch up with it later today. I to have done things that have been nice for my W and gotten little to no thanks in response.
As far as why he remains in the same room, this is not important. You can’t know what is going on in his head and it is not healthy to try. My wife stayed in the same bed up until she moved out of the house but started wearing full clothing towards the end which I though was strange but she simply said she was cold.
I have spoken in my thread about a type of therapy that is used to treat certain types of personality disorders. This is called dialectical behavior therapy or DBT for short. I am not saying that you have a personality disorder by any means but the therapy itself is different from normal therapies as it is a set of skills that I think works really well with what we try to do here in DB land. These skills are based loosely from Buddhist principals and can be self-taught to some degree. They have really helped me to calm down and emotionally detach and I would recommend them for anyone who was interested in stronger control over themselves and their emotions. In my thread I listed some websites for more information and would recommend checking it out. One of the first things that I was introduced to was mindful breathing which I now use literally every day and in most cases multiple times a day.
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Yesterday seemed to be a little better that it has been over the last couple weeks. He helped me a little with some yardwork and he asked me to help him out as well. I made sure I let him know that I appreciated what he did honestly. Last night we had a long talk. We talked more opening than we have in years! He told me that he felt lost, he felt that we were not sole mates, no connection, that he has had this feeling for a long time. Honestly, I didn't realize that he even had feelings. he also said that he noticed a difference in me in the last 4 weeks!! He said that I was happier and something to the effect if everythign was like it was the last 4 weeks, we might not be in this situation. But I let him know that I understood, that I felt the same way. I tried to let him know that I have been looking at my behavior and trying to learn what it takes to build a good marriage, and what we need to do to fix it. He thinks that the problem is 'us'. That we should naturally be able to communicate, naturally be able to connect. He doesnt understand that this is a learning process and that you have to work on a marriage to get it to work. He felt bad that he was hurting me. He didnt think I would get hurt (what??). I asked him again to consider giving this another chance. Just think about it. I thanked him for opening up and appreciated the conversation. I believe I have him thinking?? he is just so hard headed and would imagine that changing his mind after saying that his mind is made up would be rather hard. I am reading some more books on how to work on reconnecting with your spouse. I think this sole mate stuff is for the birds. Does anyone have any opinions or suggestions about this?
Me 56/H 55 M 13 Bomb 3/14 Still living in the house - in our bedroom - diff beds.
I never put much faith in the idea of soul mates. I think it makes for good, if not sad, movie watching (What Dreams May Come) but it as many movie plots is highly romanticized. The real world is about solid relationships that are started with bravery and perfected over time. If a good relationship is worked on hard enough I think it can feel like two people have transcended to a level equivalent to soul mate states but I do not think this happens right of the bat or at least not very often. Some of the guys I work with are originally from parts of the world in which arranged marriages are still common. I asked about how well these marriages work and they spoke quite highly of the connections that are made over time. This to me is a form of proof in what I am saying above.
Although there is still speculation, most geologists agree that with time and much effort, carbon becomes diamond and as such so does a relationship become like soul mates. Ok so being buried 100 miles below the earth’s crust, heated to about 2200 degrees Fahrenheit, and squeezed under 725,000 pounds of pressure per square inch might also have something to do with this process but you get the idea. What’s not to say that working on a relationship is kind of like being buried, heated and put under extreme pressure?
Me: 32 W: 30 M: 11 years T: 12 years Kids: D5 W Left: 03/25/2014
It ain't about how hard you're hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
