Ggrass above recommended you insist on sticking to the plan. I agree. Allowing him to ratchet up frustration on your end won't help with DB, and he clearly doesn't value your flexibility enough for giving in that he will appreciate you for it.
It is so hard when these issues impact our kids. Isn't that what this mostly comes down to for you? Not that you want less time with your D, but that HE should want MORE? (Please pardon my guessing here).
I'm sorry you're in this place and he is so clueless.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks. But I can't make him stick to the plan. His response (which he has said in the past) would be something like, 'so would you prefer I get a babysitter instead?' And then the question becomes, for me, what is best for my daughter. I'm feeling lost because it has been suggested to me (and I agree) to put her first. On one of the nights, our babysitter is staying because I already have plans. I can't "make" him do anything, and I feel like my choices are crappy. And I feel like a broken record. Maybe that is why I have so few responses here. I keep saying the same thing over and over and not really changing. I do feel stuck about this particular issue. To change my own behavior to make it more equitable (in terms of personal time) means losing time with my D. That feels like a crappy choice. But so does accepting this as is.
But he really is clueless that his idea of "I'm just as flexible as you" means I have an 8:30 curfew (or have to ask/pay sitter to stay late even though she comes at 7/7:30 a.m. while he can stay out as late as he wants without asking favors, paying extra or inconveniencing anyone. But "it will all even out" according to him.
If we were together, this is an issue I would try to discuss and problem solve with him. I just don't know how to do that now...and I feel really frustrated. I know this is something I haven't detached myself from, and I'm feeling frustrated about that too.
And I think part of what is making me so sad is that I'm beginning to feel like this is not a M I want to save. (Again). And at the same time I will have to deal with this kind of crap from him for the next 20 years.
What if you changed the way you thought of "best forD"?
What if best for her in the long run is that when he asks you say yes, get a sitter... Because pretty soon his flexibility is gone and he has to realize he never sees her. That's if you think that will matter to him. Agree it's hard to think of permitting this when you care about her and want to be with her. Do you try to protect her relationship with her father?
Alternatively, you do give up on the M for now and get everything put in a legal order that stipulates he must stick to the schedule. Then see what happens. In the meantime, maintain a record of these requests on both sides and how they were dealt with to determine that there is a real imbalance.
Or you keep doing what you're doing and keep adding to the balance of resentment that he has no reason to redress, because he's getting his needs met no matter how you feel.
I know you'd prefer to hear from someone with more experience Than me...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm sorry you haven't gotten many responses as of late. This is my opinion on the situation. If it works out for you to watch d when h asks to swap, watch. If you have plans, tell him he needs to get a sitter. Document everything. I have a giant spreadsheet. The reality is that I don't want to use the spreadsheet. However, your h saying "everything will work out" or "it's all a wash " probably makes him feel better.
It's a bit of a balance. Your d has had some significant changes and whether or not she can completely verbalize them, her world has been flipped. I know you want to reassure her and make her feel secure. Your h sounds involved, however there does appear to be an element that you will of course flex to him because he expects you too. Keeping score will make your anger and resentment build.
I see it as having 2 choices. A) keep doing what your doing. If you can't let the feelings of resentment go, then you will probably reach a breaking point. Or b) *only* bend if you are okay with it and don't have plans. My h has the kids about 10 hours a week so I'm in a bit of a different situation. My sitch will probably change at some point as well.
However, don't bend to your h because you want him to see how accommodating you are. You can have a harmonious, flexible coparentinb relationship without always doing what he asks.
I think you are doing great:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I think I've figured it out. I can't control what he does. If it doesn't bother him to lose his limited time with our D, that's not my issue. I don't have to take his tactic and just make plans whenever I want and lose my time with my D, but I *can* work on GAL so that I have plans during my own personal time, and not always be available as the default caregiver whenever he needs me. If I have plans, I can confidently say, "Sorry I'm not available" without feeling like I'm just being spiteful. That would be much more attractive to him than always being available.
And, at some point in the future, I can always address the equity issue if I want to change our schedule...
Claire - I've just been catching up on your thread. I'm having much the same problem with H. We are actually supposed to have a 50/50 arrangement, but he has changed the schedule EVERY week since he moved out five months ago. I finally had a conversation with him about it because it was affecting D7. She would say things like, "I'm supposed to be at Daddy's tonight, but he has something important to do." Nope, sorry, playing video games with your buddies isn't more important than your daughter. Of course, I didn't say that. What I did say was that D7 seemed to be bothered by the lack of consistency in the schedule. I did not say it in an accusatory way at all. He agreed and said that we should definitely be more consistent. And then he still continued to ask to trade nights and sometimes even for me to just take extra nights.
I found that I had a lot of resentment over it. So, I ultimately came to the same conclusion you have. I need to GAL more so that I'm unable to make the last minute changes he constantly requests. If there are requests that I can accommodate without changing my plans, I will do so. Otherwise, he'll have to figure it out.
Kinda funny... I'm watching DB on film-- "Sweet Home Alabama" with Reese Witherspoon. She is a WAW who moves away, gets engaged, But the LBH never signs the D papers for years. She is angry and hates him. He finally detaches, signs the papers, wishes her well. He GAL, starts to be more successful doing something he loves. He says, "I can't control her anymore than I can control the weather". And just take a guess how she starts to feel...
