D3 (as H is saying goodnight to her and leaving): Why do you have to go to your new house? Why can't you stay here with us? H: Because that's where my bed is. That's where I live. D3: But you already have a bed here.
He didn't see me listening. I walked away so he wouldn't see me upset and he let himself out while I was in another room without saying goodbye.
I'm sorry for your and your D. Those types of comments are so painful for me to hear. Tonight from my D7, I heard, Mommy, why isn't Daddy ever here to tuck me in anymore? and, Mommy, how do you make your worries go away?
Feeling really conflicted lately, and could use some feedback.
I think part of what's getting in my way is that, even though I have clear personal goals, I don't think I have any clear goals in regards to my H. Or, maybe I do have a short-term goal (such as, for him to ask me something about my personal life), but no clear action steps.
I guess what I'm trying to say in a very unclear way is that I feel pretty good about my DB'ing in regards to my personal growth... but I don't think I'm doing anything active about my M. I'm just giving him his space. I don't initiate any talk, every time I see him I am upbeat, happy. Everytime he initiates talk with me, I stop to listen. I've validated him when he's told me how tired he is (even though he hasn't acknowledged this is pretty tough on me, too).
What's my point? I don't know. I'm lonely. I miss physical and emotional intimacy terribly. I've missed it for a very long time. I am working so hard to make positive changes. I AM making positive changes. I deserve to be believed in. I deserve someone who will work as hard as I am on the R.
He is a stranger to me now, and I don't think he's really capable of the self-reflection and change I've seen in some of the men on this board. I'm nearly ready to let go.
Do I tell him? I want to tell him how I'm feeling about things now. I want to tell him that I can let go-- not because I agree with him that we are just not meant to be, but because I'm ready to move forward as a happy, healthy woman.
I talked with a friend recently who left her H a few years ago. She said that, even though he started making small changes, she just felt like it was too little, too late, and she didn't have the patience to wait anymore. I think that's what happened to my H. I am starting to let myself believe that he won't ever change his mind. I'm starting to feel like I don't want to be with someone who feels that way. And I feel strong on an individual level, but so sad about this.
I miss they physical part too. All the little things...you're right.
My girls were always asking about Daddy and when he's home and why, etc. I made me so sad and made me worry about them.
But what makes me sadder (is sadder a word - more sad) is that they seem to be getting used to him not being here.
I know it should make me happy that they are so as upset as before about Daddy.
But the fact that they are not asking after him, they are almost forgetting what it was like to have here full time. Glad but sad. If that makes sense.
M:41 H:38 D:6 D:3 M:11 yrs T:15 yrs Bomb: Feb 8/14 Seperated: Feb 12/14
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Plato
Sorry you are going through this. going dark and this 180 thing is tricky. I am in the same place where I give my WAW so much space and validate and let her start conversations. i did just start these past two weeks but she is frustrated cause I am not the loud mouth chatterbox I used to be. I too which I could just cut out my heart and stop having these feelings for her. if you are starting to get to that numb place then I kind of envy you if you can relate. it is so so hard to put so much energy into db. so glad you have reaped some improvements to be a super fine attractive because you are healthy---woman. sorry he doessnt notice that but I do know as a man he does miss you sometimes guaranteed!...you cant spend that much married time without some attachment... and thinks about all the validating things you say to him when he is driving home or alone with his thoughts. I dont have an answer but keep GALing and being the beauty he would long to rescue. cheering you on
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
I'd love to get some feedback from vets who waited long time...
What kept you in?
What were you going to do if you decided to quit? In other words, if I decided I am ready to call it quits, what do I say to him?
He has not officially said he wants a divorce, but is moving at a snail's pace on an official separation. (Although he did just request an additional mediation meeting).
Now that I've had time to think about it, I realized that I was dissatisfied with our M in many ways. I know I was at fault for my half, and I am working on myself and I know my next relationship will be better. Books like DR, and the 5LL, and 7 Principles are now actual tools I have to help me in my next R. I finally get why I used to feel so unloved, even though my H would tell me all the things he was doing to show me he loved me. And vice versa. We did not speak the same love language. That is, in theory at least, resolveable. But unless he believes that, too, I'm not sure what hope there is. He does not have anger towards me, he has noticed changes in me, but he honestly believes that once you've fallen out of love, that's it.
