Scorp I just had my temporary custody hearing last week. Wife was going for me having the 90 days only....not 50/50...not even an option in her mind. 'the kids need their mom more at this age' blah blah blah.
No reasoning with her, no saying we are equally qualified, she would agree that we had different strengths and weaknesses as parents, just that 'stability is really important and the kids are used to being with me during the school week'.
When she wouldn't see 50/50 as the best of a shi%*y situation I was literally on the edge for a month. When she wouldn't agree to negotiate when the judge asked her if she wanted to as a last result prior to starting the hearing and his result being final, I went from freaking out to crapping my pants.
My stbx is an awesome mother with some character defects, just like everyone. Here are some things I did that you may find helpful.
Your lawyer should know which way the person hearing your case leans based on past decisions. If he doesn't know or thinks the person leans more to giving more time to the mom, see if you can reschedule with another referee/judge that goes more with 50/50.
Go to your court house, ask the people behind the window if there are any temporary custody hearings coming up. Go to several, learn the ropes, get familiar with the environment so you are more calm when your hearing takes place. In my area they are 'open hearings' and anyone can attend. Kind of awkward but I found it immensely helpful.
Keep a journal of all your activities with the kids. If you can, go back a bit when you were together. Perhaps attend school activities like carnivals, field trips, conferences, whatever/whenever you can to show involvement in their school.
Take them around your family so that you can show a broad safety net for the kids on your side. Study up on the 'custodial factors' that the court uses when deciding custody. The couple examples I have given above fit right into those (in my area...assume pretty similar wherever you are).
Make sure you meet with your attorney several days in advance to go over likely questions, what your wife may argue, get your answers somewhat prepared and practice with the attorney. You will not be in a calm, peaceful state of mind when you are on the stand getting cross examined by your wife's lawyer. You will be better off with the practice helping to offset your nervousness.
Perhaps your attorney's opening question to you can be 'why do you feel you should have 50/50 custody?'. Prepare a brief statement/couple pages...no rule against having notes. Involve details from your journal. I used things like 'in the past 3 months I have went grocery shopping, gave the kids a bath 16 our of 30 times, read a story to my son 28 nights out of the last 80 days, made 52 meals, 61 snacks, took them to the park 8 times'....etc. Statistics can be your friend.
Just some ideas for you to mull over. Good luck sir.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Mods...please do not close this thread. I think Scorp is now occupied with his mother who has cancer and apparently things are most likely not going well on that front.
Scorp usually doesn't post when he's with his kids in her province. Plus he was supposed to be towing his trailer/camper there to stay instead of a hotel so he might not have internet access.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Hi all, I'm back, with GREAT news! My W has agreed to sharing time with our kids, week on, week off!!! I had them with me from the 9th to the 15th (I let them go back a day early so my W could do something with them they needed to get ready for on the weekend). She has also now agreed to my having them from May23rd to May30th and has said clearly that she is all for sharing time with them equally from this point forward!!!
This is huge, my kids are ecstatic, I'm beyond relieved and I think my W is too! In doing what I have, committing to move out to her town while maintaining my career so that my family is secure I think my W has finally seen that family comes first before anything else.
My step mother had a long face to face talk with my W while I was with my kids last week and things still sound hopeful. I wouldn't say my W is anywhere close to considering a R at this point but from what was discussed between my step mother and my W, things sound so much better now than they had been. My W said she knows the kids need me just as much as they need her. She said she thinks my decision to move out there to be with the kids is awesome and she knows they are really happy. It went on from there. Things are looking better than they have in a LONG time.
I have been doing MUCH better in the last couple of weeks as well. I'm working out every day, my band is starting back up, I'm looking at houses in my new town, work is going great.... what can I say, my life feels like it's turning around.
My Mom is not doing well, I'm spending every moment with her that I can. At least I have the chance to tell her that her son is doing great, that I will have my kids with me for at least half the time and that I still have loads of hope for the future with my W, either as my spouse or at least as a good friend. I'm very thankful for that.
Thanks so much to all of you that have helped me get to this point. I know I can be a stubborn jerk at times (still working on that one, hehe) and may seem to not listen to your advice. You have all been a huge help and I appreciate it so much. I know I still have a long way to go with my journey and there may still be bumps along the way. I'm not giving up on my W and I plan to stay VERY patient, taking things slow and then who knows what could happen.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
I hope your Mum's condition improves. Other than that, things sound awesome. Well done.
Remember those discussions about talking about doing something versus actually doing things? How does that feel now?
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Hi all, well I'm happy to report that all seems well with my W going along with sharing time with our kids equally. They will be with each of us every other week, 7 days at a time. Our kids love that they have both of us regularly although they still are holding out hope of a R some day. I am too.
It's meant a lot of major decisions like moving to her province, sacrificing some in my career by working from home and so on. It is more than worth it.
Now that it seems the biggest issue has been dealt with, I am turning my focus back to trying to start a new relationship with my W. I've learned through the DB books and from others on here that it will be a SLOW process and that I have to be PATIENT.
Do any of you have any other suggestions on what I can do other than sitting back and leaving the door open so to speak?
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
