hug your demons

[needgrace]

hi all,
pia melody says to hug your demons or they will bit you in the a**

i think i have more hugging to do lol

i have been dating someone off and on for the last 9 months. it is off right now (her choice) and the old familiar feelings from BD are bearing down on me big time.

also last month my doc discovered ovarian cysts.. i have surgery scheduled on may 30th.. the ultrasound results seemed to suggest that they are not cancerous but my CA-125 blood test (for ovarian cancer) came back elevated.. so it is a wait and see..

i am struggling a bit right now to not get depressed. i think my biggest fear after BD was that i would face a health challenge on my own. tbh, my friends and my family (they all live on the east coast however and i am on the west) have been amazingly supportive... but not having a partner right now is a real challenge for me.. i wish i were stronger.. i am trying. i go to yoga and went on an amazing yoga retreat last month but it is tough day to day to get motivated to see people..

i know there are triggers from the past coming up... when i was in my 20's i went through a tough year taking care of both parents as they passed away from cancer... i isolated a lot then... that is my tendency.. i want to do things differently and use these posts as a place to keep myself accountable.. and to grow...

concerning my XW.. she told me a few weeks ago that her father had stage 4 cancer and wanted to send his love to me..i offered my support and prayers... i talked to my IC and decided to tell my XW about my own health concern.. she offered her support and prayers... what i realized a few days later is that i no longer felt angry with her, that if she had done the same last year, i would have felt angry and resentful at her offer of support... i no longer do.. that made me feel good

that is all folks

[labug]

(((ng)))

I'm so sorry to hear about the anxiety producing medical stuff. Loving kindness coming your way.

I recently began rereading Radical Acceptance and it brings back memories of attending Tara's talk, having lunch and people watching on a beautiful, sunny day with friends and just soaking it all in.

[Wonka]

ng,

Wow...you've been on a wild, bumpy journey as you make new transitions and now this?! I hope your surgery goes well for you! (((ng)))

For me, my first GF and break up post-Ms. Wonka did some fun trips around my head too. Once you get through this first "hurdle" post-D, then you say, "hey...I've got this...I am okay." I've faced a lot of stuff as singleton which has shown me some aspects of "me" that I didn't know were there.

Sure, a loving & supportive partner/spouse does make a HUGE difference in the sense that they have your back in facing life's challenges head-on as a united force.

[needgrace]

Thank you Bug. I follow your posts often and am so grateful for how you share your journey and growth here. Thank you for the reminder of that wonderful day.... funny that you mentioned it as the lady i dated this year was there, i had known her for a few months as a friend and i spoke to her a bit after our lunch... a reminder that even though she is gone, my friends and so much beauty remains... and i am blessed..

and your words are so true, about soaking in all the beautiful moments.. that day was lovely.. reminds me to pick up her other book true refuge...

Wonka, thanks for validating and normalizing my journey... i do take lots of good things out of my first R post D... that I can love again and that s*x can be amazing at any age

yes Wonka I got this... I am okay... thank you

I caught up a bit on some of the sitches and caught some wonderful words by 25MLC on gratitude... woke me up a bit..

i went on a yoga retreat to tulum mexico last month with an amazing group of people..
and learned something important.. i was trying to do an arm balancing stance, crow, and the instructor came over to me and told me to lean forward... helped a lot even tho i am still working on the pose..

the next day we all went to a set of ruins where we could climb a temple.. 192 broken narrow steep stairs.. so steep that they had installed a rope to help you down... i am scared of heights and went up a few steps and came back down..

the same instructor came up to me and told me that i could do it, that he would stay behind me the whole way... i argued with him for a minute then decided to try it... he said to me "NG, i need you to do one thing, i need you to lean in to the rock so that if you fall you fall forward"

i made it up and it was amazing.. it rained on us at the top which they say is purifying

and i realized the wisdom of his words... to lean in, lean forward to all of the challenges life offers us...

i have been working on that since then.. leaning in... experiencing it all... living.

[labug]

That sounds so great!

I'm taking Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction right now and what an awareness opener! I highly recommend it. I'm also looking to do a 6 day SILENT meditation retreat but just haven't decided where or when.

Growth, growth, growth.

[needgrace]

i have heard that MSBR is wonderful.. way to go Bug i think i will look into it too. what is your motivation for a silent retreat? i have often thought about trying one... i know the church Agape here in LA has offered one in Joshua Tree at times that sounds awesome. I have been reading a lot of David Richo. Have you seen his list entitled Our Commitments to Loving-Kindness Toward Ourselves and Others? It is on his website for free and is amazing. I am going to read it every day for awhile.

[needgrace]

i feel a strange inertia of sorts... somewhat disconnected.. i was talking to my IC and she sees it as positive, that i am no longer worrying so much about what i am doing wrong, blaming myself, trying to control and "fix things"...

and i agree

but i also need to find a way to keep filling that space.. last weekend i went to a book club, rode 31 miles in a fundraiser for paediatric cancer, engaged in an amazing 90 minute live music yoga class and made solid progress (with help) on a daunting home improvement project...

it was a good weekend in many ways... but i also felt strangely disconnected from others... not sure if it is in a good (i can find peace within myself) way or an isolative way..

i am still doing what bug did so well.. creating a life i love on my own.. finding my way with this.

[labug]

i have heard that MSBR is wonderful.. way to go Bug i think i will look into it too. what is your motivation for a silent retreat? i have often thought about trying one... i know the church Agape here in LA has offered one in Joshua Tree at times that sounds awesome. I have been reading a lot of David Richo. Have you seen his list entitled Our Commitments to Loving-Kindness Toward Ourselves and Others? It is on his website for free and is amazing. I am going to read it every day for awhile.

No, I haven't seen that list, I'll look at it. Thanks.

I've done short weekend personal retreats (with structure) and I've found it challenging but also ...freeing. I'm having trouble finding the right word. There is a lot more energy used in interacting with other people than we realize until we aren't interacting with other people. I don't know if I'm ready for 6 days, it does feel a bit intimidating.

I'm going to be taking another course in Jan that has to do with MBSR and my work. That curriculum suggests a 6 day silent retreat as part of the body of experience for becoming an instructor of that course. I'm trying to just set my intention and let it unfold.

About the disconnected feeling, is it a case of if I'm not doing, I'm not being or just a disconnected couple of days? I have days where I feel "pushed" by having a partner that I need to take into account. I'm working through that but it's a bit unsettling.

We've been having a lot of wind, maybe that's the cause of the unsettled feelings.

[labug]

ng, thanks for sharing The Commitments with me.

[needgrace]

i think that dating after D can be treacherous ground..well at least for me tbh

i think that i put up with far more than i should have... ignored red flags...ACTUALLY when i think about it, they were bright red swirling LED lit banners..lol.. and i need to do some work to figure out why...

i think my fears about not being good enough.. which i have had my whole life and which got amplified during the D came up.. hence staying in something that perpetuated that belief and was not healthy.. i think i also got stuck again in the not wanting to be alone mode... perhaps i did not spend enough time healing after D.

i think i have been scared too of the break-up pain... and it is not easy... but it is nothing like the end of my M..

more work to do...

bug, you are welcome.. i love the commitments.