hope456 - accepting my new reality

[hope456]

Thanks for responding, labug, GB, and owl.

Would you say this is a snapshot of your communication with H through your time together? IN reading it I could see both sides because I'm not emotionally invested. He thought he was being clear, you thought you were being clear.

What can you do to make communication better?

Since that conversation, H has actually said that he knew that we had discussed and agreed to something else, but that an opportunity came up for him to file and so he did it anyway. That aside, I have a tendency to adjust my communication (tone, wording, body language) with H on the basis of my perception of his intention rather than taking what he says at face value. That's something I need to work on.

GB & labug - I'm not detached. I know that I'm not and I want to be. However, I think I'm confused about detachment. I get that I shouldn't be upset because my H is upset or sad because he is sad. BUT, I think it is human to feel compassion for his struggle. I also think it is human to feel disappointment and hurt when a person whom you love (and who professed for yours to love you) stops living up to their word. What am I missing here? I don't see detachment making those feelings go away.

DBing coach will help. He wants to keep his BF, and have his piece of cake too. Do you want that? I didn't settle for that and will not. I stand firm that if H wants a D then I'm done with a R at all. Now, my sitch is such that he won't MC or even try, but I went dark when he wasn't communicating. You have a daughter together and have to communicate, but you don't have to be BF. You can be friendly, polite and caring. You need to give him a reason not to D you. That's my opinion. Others please respond if I'm wrong and misguiding Hope456.

Owl - My DB coach is strongly encouraging me to continue my friendship with my H. She believes that keeping that strong friendship and being patient could help my M a great deal.

Speaking with my DB coach helped a lot yesterday. First, it is encouraging to hear an outsider say that she still sees hope for my M. She thinks that my H is still very confused and lost. She thinks that the amount and type of communication he initiates is pretty unusual for someone who really, truly wants a D. She thinks I should still accept invitations from H to hang out "as friends" and try to keep those positive interactions up. She said that I should accept more often than I decline.

Since I last posted, H and I have had a several conversations (at his initiation) about his feelings in general, not
R-related specifically. He told me that he's feeling lonely. He also talked some about the schedule with D7. He was really open and vulnerable. These were great opportunities for me to empathize and validate and I feel like I did a good job with that. He actually called me this morning and thanked me for listening yesterday. He, D7 and I had dinner together last night. It was my suggestion and he readily agreed.

Today was D7's field day at school. I volunteered there and got to watch her have a great time. Tonight, I went to dinner and a movie with a friend. Tomorrow, I'm going to brunch with a group of friends and then have dinner plans with another friend. Lots of GAL scheduled for the weekend

[loualea]

Hi hope 456
sad how our lives are paralleling each other.. if that is a word.
all that you write resonates, the time lines, are the same and the broad siding and the difficulty with detachment..

I agree that it is hard to detach. I read some articles on the Livestrong website about detachment and dependency that were actually rather harsh but really brought the detachment issue home to me..
Does not mean I can do it well but does mean I understand I need to for me.

I feel like the "we can be friends" is a salve for the WAS conscience.. they are not such a bad guy if the person they have abandoned can be a friend!

I am struggling with that. my DB coach say the same thing about keeping friendly interactions but I still struggle. I do not get to see him so much at the moment.. not sure if that is good or bad.. helps me detach most of the time but then waves of misery.

My H is depressed.. was before he left and it colours his world and view.. it is such a mess to talk with him.. the reactions are inconsistent and the total lack of awareness of the results of his actions on me.. hard to take. Which is why I have to detach.

your GAL sounds good..my consists of running through the woods trying to speak another language..challenging but not fun

[hope456]

Hi lou! Thanks for commenting.

I feel like the "we can be friends" is a salve for the WAS conscience.. they are not such a bad guy if the person they have abandoned can be a friend!

I'm sure it isn't the same in every sitch, but I believe that my H actually really does want to be friends. He has said that no one knows him like I do and that he can't see himself ever trusting someone enough to be as vulnerable with them as he is with me.

My H is depressed.. was before he left and it colours his world and view.. it is such a mess to talk with him.. the reactions are inconsistent and the total lack of awareness of the results of his actions on me.. hard to take. Which is why I have to detach.

I also think my H is depressed. It is something he has struggled with for years, though he denies it. He is also very inconsistent. He frequently contradicts himself from one sentence to the next. So, yes, I also have to detach. And remember to believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Can you come up with some other GAL activities?

[labug]

I get that I shouldn't be upset because my H is upset or sad because he is sad. BUT, I think it is human to feel compassion for his struggle. I also think it is human to feel disappointment and hurt when a person whom you love (and who professed for yours to love you) stops living up to their word. What am I missing here? I don't see detachment making those feelings go away.

It's a difficult concept because we've been conditioned otherwise for most of our live. Once you get it tho, it can make your life so much easier.

First, he most likely didn't stop living up to his word, let go of the judgment and see him for what he is, a term you use often in describing him is struggling.

Detachment doesn't mean you have no feelings but that you, in simple terms, don't bite the hook. His distress doesn't become your distress, you don't try to fix something that's not yours to fix. Most of us have enough on our side of the ledger to keep us busy.

You still feel, it's just in proportion.

"I feel sad that my H is struggling but his struggle is his struggle. I wish him the best."

So you can love him, have compassion for him, and be kind to him but you leave him to his life. And here's a pearl, no one but you expects you to fix him.

This will also come in handy with your daughter as she matures.

About the conversations, I hope you can have no expectation that they are more than him talking with his BF.

[hope456]

About the conversations, I hope you can have no expectation that they are more than him talking with his BF.

I'm thinking about this a lot. I think that that is my sole expectation. I do hope, though, that this can still provide a solid foundation for something more. Does that make sense?

I forgot to mention that H commented on the fact that I haven't been wearing my engagement ring. He said, "Did you lose a ring?" I said, "No." He said, "Is there a reason you aren't wearing it." I said, "I'm not sure I could explain it." He said, "I think I understand." That was the end of that conversation.

Off to brunch now.

[KGirl]

"He said, "Is there a reason you aren't wearing it."

D'oh. That right there (and I've heard all sorts of similarly illogical comments from my H, too) really shows how they are struggling and their thinking isn't clear right now. Things like that help me feel compassion for my H rather than criticism. I would think that anyone thinking clearly would put 2 and 2 together upon noticing the ring and think "of course she wouldn't want to wear her ring, I filed for D," no questions needed.

[hope456]

"He said, "Is there a reason you aren't wearing it."

D'oh. That right there (and I've heard all sorts of similarly illogical comments from my H, too) really shows how they are struggling and their thinking isn't clear right now. Things like that help me feel compassion for my H rather than criticism. I would think that anyone thinking clearly would put 2 and 2 together upon noticing the ring and think "of course she wouldn't want to wear her ring, I filed for D," no questions needed.

Yeah, he definitely isn't thinking clearly. I know it's mindreading, but I know him really well, so I feel pretty comfortable saying that he looked bothered by the fact that I wasn't wearing my engagement ring.

While I was at brunch today, H called twice and texted once. My phone was in my purse, so I didn't even notice the calls/message for a while. I finally called him back and he just wanted to let me know that he was going to the house to borrow the carpet cleaner. He also called while I was at dinner. I didn't answer again, but called him back about 15 minutes later. He initiates a lot of contact...far more than I do. Sometimes I think his friendly/non-necessary conversation comes from feeling guilty. However, my DB coach emphasized that his motivations don't matter (I can't know what they are anyway). No matter his motivation, I should use the opportunity for low-pressure positive contact whenever I can.

I know I've commented before that H is apparently perfectly happy living his single life, but that really doesn't seem to be the case at all. He looks, acts, and sounds pretty miserable whenever I see/talk to him.

[JennD]

Hi Hope...It sounds like you had a good weekend! Hope it was fun!

I too wonder how I can compete (insert comment about how I should be competing) for H attention when his single fun bachelor life is sooo much more fun than taking out the garbage, disiplinging the kids, cutting the grass, emptying the dishwasher...

But I answer my own "wonders" - I keep guessing what his single, bachelor life is - drinking, going out, poker games, foot loose and fancy free.

But H has corrected me several times in our conversations - its not all that - sure there is some of that - but if I think about it - his reality is:
- alone - the quite - no kids - that he used to being around.
- a dirty, dingy apartment of his friends
- even making a meal would be an effort - no food in house
- none of the comforts of our home
- living out of a suitcase, moving every other night almost (here and friends)

In a cruel way, this gives me comfort.

It would certainly make me miserable. I'm sure its true for our H's.

Low-pressure positive contact. Perfect term.

{{hugs}}

[JennD]

that was meant to be "shouldn't" - not should be competing...

[hope456]

Jenn - I see my H trying to make his apartment feel very home-like. He has things hanging on the walls. He bought plants for the balcony and put a bamboo plant inside. I actually found all of that really hurtful at first. I'm thinking, you have all this stuff in our actual home. Now, I realize that it is a sign of him not feeling all that comfortable alone without all those comforts of the home we built together.

Note to self: H suddenly seems a lot more positive (and less miserable) if I answer my front door in a bathrobe. It wasn't intentional. He just got here to drop D7 off this morning for me to take her to church earlier than expected. A reminder of what he's missing can't hurt, I guess.

Now, back to hanging out with D7. She's staying with me for a few hours because H needs some time to decompress. Not really sure what that means, but I'm grateful for the extra time with my D, so I'll take it.