hope456 - accepting my new reality

[hope456]

Isn't it writing itself? She has known for two weeks. She has not contacted me. Not even to ask how my daughter is doing. Inaction is an action.

[labug]

If that's your perception, that's your perception.

But it still doesn't mean that you're losing her.

Have you contacted her?

[hope456]

I didn't know that she knew until this morning. I last spoke to her when I called her for mothers day.

It was H's story to tell.

[labug]

OK, so why are you so sure you're losing her?

It's these stories we tell ourselves that keep us stuck.

If you want to stay in contact with her, stay in contact. It sounds as if you're not in frequent contact anyway so maybe she's waiting for contact from you, or H told her not to contact you or any of several possibilities. It doesn't have to mean that she's out of your life.

[JennD]

Hope, some story here. D7 let the "cat out of the bag" 2 weeks ago while chating on the phone with my MIL. H told me that when he took the phone back from daughter, that MIL asked if she just found out something she wasn't supposed it? H said yes and that they would talk later.

As of last thursday (4 days ago) H hadn't spoke to MIL again and filled her in.

(3 weeks ago, I reached out to MIL as she and I we not on the best of terms, but we were in years past - we were very close - I apologized for my behaviour with no excuses and asked that we - she and I - work on having a better relationship. She wrote back and was very pleased with my email and agreed taht whats past is past and that we need to work on having a good relationship. She didn;t know then about R)

So since MIL has been sort of told about our seperation, nothing. I take it with a grain of salt int hat fact that we were on not so great terms until very recently and that she doesn;t know what's going on exactly. I;ve not reached out to her either.

And in our situation, the seperation was H to tell his family as well, same as you Hope.

She is his mother, no matter how close you are with her. Unless she feels your H has complete wronged you, she will side with him. For now. Give her time. She may not know how to react.

Stop mind reading...its usually much worse than reality!

[labug]

And you might be lucky enough to have a MIL who believes she should stay out of her children's R issues.

[hope456]

I really have a wonderful MIL. When we lived in the same state, she and I were together all the time. Now, we don't talk all the time, but we are still very close.

H told me that he asked her not to call me because I need more time. It would be really nice if he didn't try to determine what is in my best interest. It is clear that he no longer knows what that is.

[labug]

So there you have it.

[claire7]

FWIW, I miss my MIL a ton, too. In some ways I've felt closer to her than to my own mother. I used to see her every week (in addition to holidays, etc). She has been a huge support to me in the past. She's been divorced since my H and his brother were very little...so I'm sure on some level she can identify with me. But we have almost no contact now. She has not spoken to me about my sitch except to say, months ago, we love you and we will always be here for you and D. I am still tearing up now thinking about how much I miss her in my life.

I know how you feel. Our WAS are not just leaving our marriage. They are also upending many important relationships in our lives. It is hard to not be angry about that.

[hope456]

Thanks all for replying. I'm having a really tough day. It started with the conversation from H this morning. He called because he needed money from our joint savings account (which is supposed to be mine now, but we both added money to it for D7's summer camp) because it was a "tight week" for him. Interesting given that he dug up the money for the $300 filing fee last week. Good to see that he has priorities straight. He told me that he was short on money because his mom asked him to borrow money (which has NEVER happened in 14 years). Stupidly, I asked if she knew about our sitch. That's when he told me that he told her a couple of weeks ago. It just feels like yet another thing that is changing that was/is important to me. Like labug hinted at above, though, my sister is encouraging me to call my MIL if it means that much to me, so I think I'll call her on my way to work tomorrow.

I'm going to work on rereading DR tonight. I think I need a refresher. I've not been consistent, especially since H filed. As an example, tonight I asked H if he would consider attending Retrovaille, which is being offered at the end of the month in my area. He said he would consider it, but emphasized that didn't mean he was definitely saying yes. I emailed him the information. What's done is done, so I won't bring it up again. If he responds that he's willing to go, I'll register.

I'm struggling a lot. I don't know how to get past these feelings of failure. I don't just feel like a failure as a wife, but as a mom, too; I never wanted my D to grow up in a broken home like I did. When my mind isn't on that, it's on various other topics...like how in the world I'm ever going to be intimate with someone else. I decided a long time ago that my H would be the last person I kissed or with whom I would ML and the loss of that dream is devastating. I know, rationally, that I won't be celibate forever, but I don't see yet how I'll develop the level of comfort I had with my H. After this kind of rejection, I'm not sure how to ever be that vulnerable with someone else.

On the bright side, people are already easing the worry of how I'll meet someone else. One friend from work would love to set me up with her brother when I'm ready. Another said this today, When you get to the point when you're ready to start dating, I know someone I think you would hit it off with. He's my boyfriend's childhood friend. He's really tall...

And another random thought...my H always said he only wanted one child. I always pictured myself having more. He did not change his mind after we had our D. I can say, honestly, that I love our little family and don't harbor any resentment over not having another baby. I've never tried to pressure him into having another child. In fact, a few years ago, I said to him after we witnessed a mom struggling with her three kids, You know, I'm really OK with having an only child. I didn't think I would be, but I really am. Yet, now, I find myself thinking, if this doesn't work out, I want to find someone who wants another child and I want to have one. Then, I think that I better move quickly (bad idea, I know) so that I can have that hypothetical baby before I'm 36. And, then, I think, D7 doesn't want a sibling. She's very adamant about wanting to stay an only child. How is it going to make her feel if I have a baby with another man? After all that, I think, It would just be better if my M works out and I don't have to worry about any of this other stuff. I know I'm putting the cart way ahead of the horse, but does any of that make sense? Now that I typed it out, it kind of looks like the ramblings of a madwoman to me.

Today, I'm really missing my H. And it's probably TMI, but I really miss the physical side of our relationship.

Enough rambling...time to read DR, yet again.