Left Behind Newlywed

[Pluto]

Hello,

I've been lurking here for the past couple of months, reading many threads and living vicariously through a lot of you as you go through your sitch's.

First time post, but I've read both DB & DR, and have been working with a Coach since the end of February. While I do believe it's helped a lot, things still seem to be heading in the wrong direction. Here's my story... apologies in advance - I have 4 months to cover.

My W (27) and I (29) married last June. We've been together for 9 years, living together for 5. We do not have kids. We've (almost) always gotten along great - with what I thought were typical/common arguments periodically every 6-8 months (around things like housework, cooking duties, and at times, how to spend our money). In December, we fell into one of such arguments around chores, but seemed to recover in time for the holidays.

We went away on a trip she had planned for us between Christmas and New Year's, and had a fabulous time. Things seemed normal. Then days after we returned home, I had to leave on a business trip for a few days. The night before I left, she didn't want to ML - which was a first for us as it has always been a tradition. I didn't think too much of it at the time, but through-out my trip (4 days) we didn't talk much due to time zone differences and she had gotten sick.

Upon my return, she seemed distance and wasn't her usual bubbly, happy to have me home self. We fought over a few days until one night I finally asked her what was going on. She broke into tears and told me she had been thinking a lot about it and thought she wanted to have kids. In our entire time together, we had always been on the same page about not having kids and enjoying the dual income lifestyle that isn't possible with them. I was shocked, but told her that we could work through this and I had some things to think about. Through her tears, she told me that she felt like she betrayed me and that I must hate her. I reassured her I didn't hate her for wanting something different in life, nor did I feel betrayed. I told her I would think about whether I wanted kids, but she was adamant that if we had them, I would either resent her, or the child, and likely leave them. I tried to reassure her that I wouldn't do that to her/them, but she was convinced otherwise. That night, she told me she felt like she needed to sleep in the guest bedroom. She hasn't slept in our bedroom since.

A few days later, after a lot of self reflection and consideration - I told her that I was on board with having kids, and that my position on the matter had changed over time too. I instead got the ILYBNILWY - and she insinuated that she didn't want to have kids with me. She told me she wasn't sure she wanted to stay in the R with me. I did what all LBS' do (which I now know are the wrong things) - begged and pleaded with her, became needy (normally I'm the confident, independent alpha male).

She told me she felt like we kept going in these cycles where we'd fight over something, agree to work on things, be better for a period of time before falling back into old habits and fighting again. I agreed, and again told her we obviously can't work our way out of that on our own, and should seek professional help. She told it was a waste of money and she felt like splitting up was inevitable. She also told me she felt I had become grumpy all the time, controlling, treated her like I didn't respect her, and that all the cooking fell on her shoulders. I argued with her (DB'ing tip #2: bad idea. I now know I should have validated those feelings) and told her I could change. She, of course as a WAW, didn't believe I could change my ways.

After more self-reflection, I came to realize that the stresses of my job (and in part the planning/paying for our big wedding) had taken a toll on me, and I had become grumpy and easily annoyed at home - complaining about inconsequential things and not treating the love of my life the way I should. I also accepted that I hadn't been doing my fair share of the cooking and cleaning around the house, and had dumped that on her as well. I immediately began cooking 2-3 meals per week (a 180 for me!) and forced myself to come home with a positive, happy attitude (the real me) instead of stressed out and angry.

Over the course of January, I kept to these 180s and we continued many familiar aspects of our R - texting each other when we got to work each morning to wish the other a good day (and tell them ILY - tip #3: BAD!), continuing with our nighttime routine (we had a specific exchange of words each night) and otherwise got along as normal - minus the intimate stuff, and she would sleep in a different bedroom.

At the same time, I also became concerned with a change in her behaviour. In November and December, she had begun staying up much later than I did on weekends. Typically we kept the same sleep schedule, and when one person was tired, the other would normally retire to our bedroom as well - or shortly after. She told me she was having trouble sleeping, and I while I voiced concern about it, she assured me I had nothing to worry about and didn't understand why I was upset. In January, she started staying up later during the week, at times as late as 3 or 4 in the morning, and then have to get up for 7:30 for work.

She also expressed a desire to take a vacation on her own to clear her head and take perspective on our R. I agreed. Initially, it was to be a short 3-4 day trip to a resort or possibly Las Vegas alone or with a (female) friend of hers. A little while later, this turned into a week in Vegas, or possibly a city on the other side of the country. She told me later that she settled on going to that city for 8 days in March - which previously she had never expressed a desire to visit.

By the beginning of February, she had begun pulling away more (she stopped wearing her wedding rings, and no longer allowed me to kiss her on the cheek even). I sensed there was more to this sudden change in behaviour. I ended up snooping on her computer and found evidence that she was having an affair with someone we both knew via the internet... who lived in this same city she planned to visit. Reading further, there was mention of meeting up in person previously. I ended up finding out that she began an EA with OM in late October/early November, and it turned into a PA while I was on my business trip in January.

I confronted her that night, initially asking if she had ever met OM in person. She didn't answer, but asked why I was asking. I played my cards and told her what I found on her computer. She got mad at ME for invading her privacy and breaking HER trust. I asked more questions; had they kissed? had they slept together? had he been in OUR house? The only response I got was 'I'm not answering that question, you can think whatever you want to think.'

Still, she refused to admit to any of it. She didn't deny it, either.

A few nights later, being unable to sleep, I began to wander the house at 3 am when I heard her voice coming from the guest room. I listened in and recognized the tone - she was talking to OM! I burst into the room and demanded to know what she was doing. She hung up quickly. Eventually, she did admit that she had met up with him previously and slept with him, and that she wanted a D. She refused to reveal any details around how long it had been going on, or how it happened.

After going through the emotions upon learning of her affair - I decided I still didn't want the D and wanted instead to save our marriage. I came across DB & DR, and ordered them in mid-February. I read them both within days of receiving them, and also scheduled appointments with a Coach.

Since February, she did end up going to visit OM for 8 days in March, has continued to talk to him on the phone and Skype late at night as well as texts him throughout the day. I redoubled my efforts on the 180s and continued coming home with a PMA and being the spouse only a fool would leave.

Even still, she has since split off from the joint account - depositing her paychecks into a separate account, changed her name back to her maiden name on Facebook (and removed all our wedding photos from her albums), and begun telling her friends that we're separated and it's best for both of us to just be friends (WTF? NO!). She's also told me she plans to move out at the start of June. OM is coming to visit her next week for 8-9 days, and she's told me she won't be home during that time as she's going 'sight seeing' - without acknowledging OM is coming, I haven't told her I know, but I'm not a fool.

It hasn't been all bad news, though. She admitted in March that part of her still hoped we could work things out, but she was afraid the changes I was making wouldn't last. I told her in April that I would forgive her if she wanted to work on our R - and she told me quietly through tears that I shouldn't. We had some dates (which she called outings - but dressed up nicely and did her hair/makeup for me.. once even latching on to my arm as we walked to the theater). She texted me almost daily while she was visiting OM, and at times seems like pre-BD W.

Since the start of May, under advice of my coach I've gone dark/dim - instead of being her BFF and hanging out with her (we were still going to her family functions together), watching TV/movies, and playing video games together.. We agreed she was eating cake and had seen enough of what things would be like with me - so now I'm trying to distance myself and withdraw, so she has a taste of what things would be like without me. I've worked on GAL and doing my own thing. We now barely talk, and often are in the same room together in silence. I no longer initiate the conversations (another 180 since BD). If she greets me or otherwise engages me in conversation, I answer, but try to keep it short and emotion-free. I've had some backslides recently, including reminding her that she was the one broke our vows (after she accused me of breaking a promise) and that I was tired of being her plan B when she asked me to watch TV with her, but then minutes later started a conversation with OM right in front of me.

So I figure it's time (overdue, really) to post my sitch and hope to get some opinions and support on what to do now. I'm still working with a coach, but I need all the help I can get - I don't want to lose my W forever.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
So post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power

[Italian]

*Hugs*

I'm afraid I don't have much advice, since I'm in a similar situation at the moment (just posted in the forum, too). I think we don't really have much more to do apart from wait and see how they emerge from their crisis. Which is really unnerving - I just want to DO something, I want answers, NOW.

But as someone said, 'you didn't break her, so you can't fix her'...

[Thornton]

Hi Pluto,

So sorry that you find yourself here. I am new in my journey as well. You will find wonderful advise and great people here. We're all pulling for you.

[dingo]

As all these situations are very similar, there is a lot you can learn by reading others' threads. Mine is very very similar in the things that we argued about, the having children situation, etc.

Of course the things that your wife says are almost all script so you need to learn what to give weight to and what not to. Regardless, there are clues in everything she is saying that you need to recognize.

The bottom line is that there were issues in your marriage. In the past, while you both may have realized something was off, neither of you took decisive action to fix it so it continued to deteriorate. It took your wife to finally have had enough to shock you into action - and that's ok. We're all here cause our situations evolved similarly. If it wasn't her, it would have been you - eventually - or you both would have tolerated an unfulfilling relationship for the rest of your lives.

So look at this as a gift. You now recognize your failures and your faults because she has slapped you hard enough in the face to really make you take a hard look at yourself. Now you need to do the same to her.

In order for things to get fixed, she will have to go through the same path of self-discovery. You can't help her, or encourage her. Its something she has to do on her own, because she wants to.

The ONLY way that will happen is if she starts to see herself losing things that were once important to her. Exactly the same thing it took for you. So - your mission is to start pulling away, being less available and setting up some boundaries. You have to get tough. Scan the current threads for posts from Starsky and Sandi. They have great advice for how to get tough and set boundaries without coming across as an [censored] and I wish I followed their advice more often than I did.

If you've read DR and DB, you know that the only thing you can control is you and the only person that can make you happy is yourself. Everything you do needs to be done for you and you alone. It may pull her back to you, it may not. But if you're happy with yourself, eventually, it won't matter.

[Pluto]

Thanks everyone, appreciate the kind words.

Trying to do my own thing and get back to being the happy, confident me - even if that means faking it a lot of the time. I'm doing better at this at work, but at home, with her living here -- it's tough. While I'm sure it's not all malicious, it feels like she's rubbing her affair in my face all the time.

Currently debating whether I take down all of the photos of us together in the house. They're sad reminders for me.

It looks very much like we're going down the path to D. What started as a conversation today about going to the bank to take away her access to the joint account went sour and turned into another fight - I'm backsliding badly here.

[sandi2]

What did you do when she started conversation with OM in from of you?

Does she hold down a full time job and share all expenses, or do you foot her bills?

[Pluto]

What did you do when she started conversation with OM in from of you?

Does she hold down a full time job and share all expenses, or do you foot her bills?

I left the room and took myself out of the situation immediately.

She holds a full time job and shares in the expenses. I make more, so I have taken on more of the bills - which I'm fine with. She's fairly independent, in that regard.

Thanks for having a look at my sitch, sandi - I was hoping you could hit me with some 2x4's where appropriate.

[Pluto]

Journaling a bit, will try to keep this brief.

We fought yesterday about money - she still has joint access to our account despite no longer depositing her pay into it. It devolved into a bit of an R talk, and I stupidly ignored all the warning signs and participated rather than removed myself from the situation.

Oddly enough, later that night she made dinner (for both of us), and then went I took mine back into our office/computer room and closed the door (a favourite thing for her to do to keep me away), she came in and decided to use her computer while I was listening to music and browsing the web on mine. I know it's sort of mind-reading, but it's almost as if she was curious what I was up to and wanted to 'check in' on me. I ignored her and was chatting with some friends and playing games, laughing and pretending she wasn't there.

Trying to GAL and just do my thing. If nothing else, it's helping me - I had an enjoyable night.

[sandi2]

If she has stopped depositing any of her money into the joint account, you need to be immediately on guard. She is either spending recklessly or saving her money in a private account. Do you have a separate account other than the joint? Do each of you pay the same bills each month or one person writes checks for all the bills? (Hope that made sense.)

She is being very blatant with her A, so that means she has lost respect, as well as other feelings toward you. But before she can feel sexual love (attraction) for you, she first has to respect you as a man.

There are times when a H needs to be lovingly tender with his W. However, this is NOT that time. Whenever you have a wayward W in an A, it more important to show her your inner strength and firmness. Never use any means of violence with your W, no matter how upset you get. Removing yourself from the situation is better than succumbing to anything physical.

If you can stay in control of your emotions, it is better to stand tall and speak with a firm voice. That does not mean you have to yell, it just means to speak with sound of leadership and authority (if need be). Women respect men who take charge, as long as they don't act like a jerk.

Some men get into a really bad habit of being passive toward the W. Men think see it as avoiding conflict at the time, but eventually passivity takes over. Women hate it. It causes a loss of respect b/c women (by nature) want their man to be decisive and lead. Not be a bully or treat her in a condescending way, but as one who knows his own mind and can make good decisions for his family.

A man needs to call out his W whenever she is talking to him disrespectfully, or treating him like a doormat. He doesn't go pout about it, but calls her hand on it and tells her not to do it. The fact she was talking to her affair partner right in front of you tells me a lot. You have your job cut out for you.