That is awesome about the fact you have a secret admirer! Who knows maybe he will be transferred back at some point. Like Claire said just the fact that you know someone has taken a shine to you will do wonders for your self-esteem and the aura that you will give off now.
I am kinda in a similar deal. A new girl has started at work she is much much younger so I keep that in mind. She is in a R so that helps keep it on certain level also. I find myself really caring about this woman's well being though and she seems to know that I do because she is pretty straight forward about her feelings on life etc.. and wants my advice/thoughts at points. I try to use my experiences with all that is going on to give honest answers to her questions.
She had a terrible childhood from what she has told me, a lot like my W. It has to be something about me that brings these women into my life in certain ways.
Of course like you this woman says my W is crazy for wanting to leave me. I know it is just words but they are nice to hear.
Hang in there!!
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
I think my current mindset makes it seem more flattering than it probably should be. It feels nice to know someone is interested in me. But yes, there are certainly things about it that are a little scary. I don't THINK I need to worry about it in terms of my safety since the letter says the person has left the state, but I'll be extra vigilant to/from work from now on. In a week I'll be riding a different bus, anyway.
Speaking of, I get my keys to my new place on Sunday. Lots of mixed emotions about that. One of my neighbors is also a work colleague, and is the person who actually suggested we look at this house - I saw him outside yesterday and told him I was moving next weekend. He was shocked, to say the least - said he never saw that coming. Also asked "what is up with young men these days?!" (one of our other colleagues is in the process of D after her H cheated on her repeatedly, accrued tons of debt spent on his OW, and then said it would be "too much work" to try and work things out). Good question, wish I knew! I still can't tell people without tearing up but maybe the more practice I have, the easier it will get. I still con't to hope this is only temporary and that I will be coming back "home" one day but...I know I can't rely on that hope and need to move forward confidently with a life that isn't built around an identity of me and my H, but just me.
There's been an article going around on FB called "My wife isn't the same woman I married" (search Matt Walsh). The title makes it seem like it'll be negative, but instead it's all about how it's natural for people to change over time, and that splitting up because someone has "changed" is a cr*ppy reason to do so. Love is a choice and people are constantly changing - you choose to adjust to those changes and appreciate them. At first it made me kind sad, like "ugh, I failed at this." But... I am not the one who chose to walk away from this. No matter how committed I am to my M and my H, I cannot make someone else feel the same way.
I also read a book yesterday on rebuilding trust in a relationship, whether it's a large betrayal or a number of ongoing, smaller ones. It definitely helped me understand how my reactions to past hurts didn't help the situation (and probably made things worse), and things to look for in the future to see if we really could overcome this and rebuild trust again. Lots of things to think about. Wish my H wanted to work on them, too, and maybe there'll be a point that he will be, but until then I'll keep working on figuring out how I contributed to getting to this point and what I can change going forward.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Thank you. To be honest, I woke up this morning feeling rather down about my efforts. People post on here about how they feel changed, how they are in a so much better place now, how they are much happier with their lives, etc. I don't really feel like that, and I wondered if I just haven't been trying hard enough - have I done anything to change myself? Have I really been doing all I can on my side of the street? Maybe it's just been gradual enough that I don't notice. Or maybe those changes are ones that won't be seen until something else happens that really wakes them up, or a crisis moment. Maybe it means I'm still stuck. I'm thinking I should go back and read my earlier thoughts/posts more careful - I imagine if I do I WILL see a difference! Even imagining a life where I can be happy without my H is a fairly significant change from six months ago, where I was certain there was no way I'd be able to go on without him.
I had a lightbulb moment today. The book I am reading ("I Love You But I Don't Trust You") has a chapter on "Being Open vs. Being Hidden" and I re-read that one today. Wish I would have known this years ago. To summarize, the chapter talks about how in relationships people aren't identical, so one person is going to be less open to some degree than the other. Over time the "less open" person starts to be seen by their partner as hidden/hiding things from them, which leads to small but ongoing issues of trust. The "open" person pushes on the "hidden" person, which causes them to withdraw more, which continues the dynamic. When the hidden person does share things, if the other person flips out or goes a little crazy or accuses them ("What else have you not been telling me?") the hidden person feels like they shouldn't continue to share things if the other person will just punish them for sharing.
Yikes. When my H told me about his work friend and his feelings for her (and of course, I flipped out), he later said "That's why I don't want to tell you things. It's just better that I don't." Right there - that is what this book is describing. And years of patterns of interaction between us.
The solution? Both parties agree that the "hidden" person shares more and the other person doesn't lose it/get accusatory when things are shared that they don't like. What I should have been doing when H shared things that were potentially upsetting was sandwiching my feelings about what he said with encouragement/praise for his openness, and suggestions for other ideas. For example: "I really appreciate that you shared that with me. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me that. While I'm not happy about X/Y/Z, I'm grateful that we can talk about it." And then ask for suggestions, or alternatives, and reassure him that he can continue to approach me with things.
Maybe it's too late now, but if things change I'm happy I have better tools to figure this out, and have made the effort to figure out WHY (rather than feeling confused - i.e. "I don't know what happened, he just walked away") I will do the best I can with whatever might happen this next week, but after that, our contact is going to be so limited that it's hard to see things changing in a positive direction (unless he ends up missing me!)
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
I think you are doing great. Please don't get hung up comparing yourself to others. My life is not fantastic now that I'm on the brink of d, however, I recognize I CAN live a happy, fulfilling life with or without h. This does not define me-just like you moving out doesn't define you. I see you looking deep and being very candid in your posts. That is true progress!
Everyone moves at their own pace. You are making tremendous strides and working on some things that you don't want to be an issue in any future Rs. I think everyone reaches a point where they suddenly realize , " this isn't what I saw for myself, and I will be okay ."
Hang in there and keep digging :-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thanks, GB : ) I'm glad you think so! It is true that this is not what I saw or wanted for myself (as with most everyone on here!) but you can't make everything you want happen.
So, now I'm super PO'd at H after all my good feelings and thinking this morning. I could use some help figuring out what to say to him because I need his help this next week...
My move out is this next Saturday, so I have one week to get things packed and divided up. H has insisted that he be involved in dividing things up and negotiating what stuff he wants to keep. I have asked him numerous times over the past several weeks for specific days/times where we can go over certain areas of the house. He either doesn't answer or says "I'll think about it." It finally got to the point where I couldn't wait anymore so I'd just bring him random items from various parts of the house and say "I would like to take X, and you can have Y. How does that sound?" and then he'd grump and then reluctantly agree. He says he wants to be involved but isn't responding to my requests to do so.
Leading up to... just a bit ago, I'm working on washing dishes and doing laundry so everything is organized. H is putting on sunscreen, getting beers from the fridge, etc. - apparently going somewhere. As he's getting ready he says "so I guess we'll need to go through the kitchen stuff tonight or tomorrow?" I'm starting to boil so I say... Me: "Yes, but not just that. We still need to do the linen closet, and the basement, in addition to the kitchen stuff." H: "I thought the basement was done." Me: "No, you said you wanted to go through all the holiday decorations." (I had wanted to just take them all, they're already all packed in bins for each holiday, but he said he wanted to "see what was in them" and see if he wanted anything.) H: "Fine. Well, you were out doing sh*t last weekend, so now I'm going to do sh*t this weekend" *exits*
1) He was gone more last weekend than I was! He went to his parents Fri. night through Sun. morning (which he didn't tell me about until Thursday, so I had figured he'd be around to help with all this but then was not), I was just gone on Sunday. 2) How does he expect me to work with this? He won't schedule times with me to do this, then he just disappears, then blames it on me when I'M gone. 3) He knows this is my last weekend to do this kind of stuff. 4) He can't have it both ways. If he wants to "oversee" my packing, then he needs to be there. I don't care if he goes and does stuff, and I don't need his help with any of this, I could do it all myself. If he insists on being here I can honor that but up to a point - I'm not going to bend over backwards to accomodate his mysterious "schedule" and wait until the last minute. He is a procrastinator, I am not, so it may be hard for him to see why I want to get most of this done now and not Thursday or Friday next week. 5) Why is this suddenly a contest to see who can GAL more??
My first thought was that I wanted to say to him when he got home "I didn't appreciate your comment earlier. You were away for more of last weekend than I was. I've asked you many times to set days and times with me to do this, but you haven't, so I've resorted to asking you when I can, but it's hard to do that when I don't know when you're home or not home. I don't care what you're doing or where you're going but I need to get packed, and you say you want to be here, so I need more help and information from you to do this." Is this too harsh? I feel like I've made it clear so many times that we need to set specific days/times so there aren't any assumptions about when someone will be here or not be here, but he hasn't responded. I don't really know what to say anymore that will help, at risk of an ultimatum ("If you are not able to help me tomorrow with this, I am just going to begin dividing things up on my own. I will be as fair as possible.")
Any thoughts?
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
I'd just take the holiday decorations, and then if he wants to, offer him a time to come to your new place and sort through them for anything he wants back.
-Pluto
H: 29 W: 27 No Kids
Together: 12/04 (9 years) Living: 02/09 (5 years) Married: 06/13 (11 months) ILYBNILWY: 01/14 Separate Bedrooms: 01/14 Discovered Affair: 02/14 (On-going) W Moved Out: 06/14
I've just been lurking on the site lately, but I wanted to respond to your comment about people being in a better place. First off, you've only been dealing with your sitch for a few months now. I know it seems like forever, but some of us had bd years ago.
So yes, I'm definitely better off than I was immediately after this all started. I finished grad school (started the summer of bd) and started running early last year. But I would give anything to go back to my life before all of this happened.
But one thing I've learned is that I can't control anyone else, so all I can do is the best I can with the sitch I'm in. I can keep reading and learning about relationships so that when I do get in one again I won't make same mistakes. My mantra has been Maya Angelou's quote "I did the best I knew how to do. But now that I know better, I do better."
It sounds like you're doing the same and really all you can do is spend the time as wisely as you can. I can guarantee that you are different than you were even if you you haven't noticed. We all have bad days, but I'm sure on the whole you're doing much better than you were a few months ago.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
I'm thinking I should go back and read my earlier thoughts/posts more careful - I imagine if I do I WILL see a difference! Even imagining a life where I can be happy without my H is a fairly significant change from six months ago, where I was certain there was no way I'd be able to go on without him.
I think rereading your threads is a great idea. I can see where you are making changes, but maybe you are too close to see it. You're doing great
