hope456 - he filed, what now?

[JennD]

Don't think that everyone else is moving thru this hell faster that you or better than you. All of us have our own parts to play in our own situations. You can't compare.

One thing that helps me when I feel I'm slipping backwards (which is alot) is to make a list of what D means - hopes, fears, finances, housing, parenting, future realtionship. Put it all on there.

Then go thru and cross out what is specualtion and guessing at the future.

Look at whats left. Can you handle it? Can you change any of it (keeping the persepective that you can only control you)?

I find looking that the list, in a very strange way, gives me a bit of comfort. And control of what I can control.

But I'm very much a list person.

You're not failing at DB. You're doing that best you can. Accept that your abilities will change as your emotions change. I think you are doing great. And I'll bet if this story was written by someone else you'd be right there, cheering them on.

Keep going. You are become a better person - the person your daughter thinks you already are!

[hope456]

I'm constantly amazed and humbled by the support so freely given on this forum. To everyone who responded, thank you so much. Every post I saw today picked me up a little more.

Lost - You mentioned that I wouldn't think a friend was weak if this were her story. You're right. I wouldn't. I would want to help ease her pain, but I wouldn't think her weak at all.

labug - Your post about judging myself harshly really resonated with me today. As I was driving to work, my thoughts were centered on not feeling like I was good enough. In general, I'm a very confident person. Yet, I have a very insecure side. If I'm engaging in armchair psychology, I'd probably conclude that the struggle with feeling like I'm good enough comes from my childhood. I wasn't good enough for my parents to stay together. I wasn't good enough for my mother to choose me over her man-of-the-moment. Now, I struggle with feeling like I wasn't a good enough wife; if I were, my H would be willing to try to fix things. I struggle with feeling like I'm not a good enough mother; if I were, I would be able to provide her the family life she deserves. These are things that I've worked on in IC, but, clearly, I haven't resolved them. I would never want my D7 to feel the way that I do. Intellectually, I know that my parents D and my mother's choices were not my fault. Truly, I know that. Still, these feelings crop up.

KGirl - Thank you for the book recommendation. My reading list keeps getting longer! I remember you posting something very similar recently about feeling like others were further ahead than you were. When I read the post on your thread, I thought What's she talking about? She's doing great! Like you've heard from others, my sister and my friends have all made comments about how much strength I have and how they would never be able to handle things the same way. Sometimes, I guess it is easier to see from the outside looking in.

JennD - Thank you for the reminder that we can't compare situations. I love your list idea. Though you probably can't tell it from most of my posts, I'm very logically/rationally minded. I write things down and make a plan and I think this exercise could be really beneficial.

Thornton - Thank you for your kind words. It's nice to hear a reminder. I know and have said (unfortunately to my H, once) that if my H never chooses to R, this really is his loss.

And, per labug's guidance, some small goals for today...

1. Call my MIL.

I called and talked to my MIL this afternoon. She cried. I cried. She reminded me that I'll always be her daughter, no matter what happens with H. She asked me if H was in IC. I told her that was his story to tell and I didn't feel comfortable divulging his personal business. She respected that. She said that she was shocked. H just called her out of the blue a couple of weeks ago and said he was filing for D. He didn't tell her why or tell her that we were separated. She said that she thought we were doing great. She also said she wants to fly out here and kick his a$$. I asked her not to be angry with him and that I could tell he was struggling a lot and so I was trying to have as much patience and compassion as possible. She asked about D7 and I told her that I was taking her to a counselor next week. She also told me that she really missed having me at her brother's funeral a couple of months ago. I apologized for not being there and told her that H asked me not to go. I told her that I wouldn't let that happen again and that I be there for her regardless of what he had to say about it. She told me that she had previously planned to fly out in a few months to visit. I told her she was welcome anytime. She said, Could I still stay with you?. I assured her that she could.

It was a very emotional conversation and I'm in tears again now as I think about it. I'm so glad I reached out to her. Labug - thank you. I'm not sure I would have without your suggestion.

2. Look up the TED talks 25 has recommended and watch them.

I haven't done this one yet, but will before going to bed tonight.

And goals for tomorrow:

1. Write down my list of observations and concerns about D7. I have a preliminary appointment with her therapist first thing Thursday morning and I want to be organized and thorough.

2. Start reading the book I have on help children cope with divorce. Obviously, I still have issues from my own parents' D that still creep up on me and I don't want D7 to face those same issues if I can help it.

3. Sign up for a fitness class of some sort. I have several possibilities to choose from. I need to check the class schedules and see what works best.

I'm not sure if these were the types of goals you were thinking of, labug. I just feel more productive having come up with some.

Tomorrow is D7's end-of-year awards ceremony and party at school, so I'll be there for part of the day. She's always super happy to see me at school events

[JennD]

I'm glad you called MIL...I'm sure you BOTH feel better (as much as you give given the sitch)...

[SemperFi00]

Hope, just caught up on your situation.

Nothing completely new to add to what others have already writeen but I did want to say that I think you are doing amazingly well under the current circumstances.

Stay strong!

[25yearsmlc]

I'm constantly amazed and humbled by the support so freely given on this forum. To everyone who responded, thank you so much. Every post I saw today picked me up a little more.

It really is amazing. I feel very blessed, even divinely so, by having found this site when I did.


Lost - You mentioned that I wouldn't think a friend was weak if this were her story. You're right. I wouldn't. I would want to help ease her pain, but I wouldn't think her weak at all.

labug - Your post about judging myself harshly really resonated with me today. As I was driving to work, my thoughts were centered on not feeling like I was good enough. In general, I'm a very confident person. Yet, I have a very insecure side. If I'm engaging in armchair psychology, I'd probably conclude that the struggle with feeling like I'm good enough comes from my childhood. I wasn't good enough for my parents to stay together. I wasn't good enough for my mother to choose me over her man-of-the-moment. Now, I struggle with feeling like I wasn't a good enough wife; if I were, my H would be willing to try to fix things.

Been there, done that^^... The frightening question we are implicitly asking ourselves was,
"If I'm so great, why is the person who knows me best, leaving me?"

And the answer is usually not a satisfactory or useful one. Your h might be leaving you b/c of unresolved issues HE has, or b/c HIS perceptions are skewed, or b/c there's a wacky imbalance of chemistry in HIS brain.

B/C if the answer were really all about how you are, secretly, a monster, we'd know b/c you are incredibly self aware and insightful. You've been engaged in some BRAVE inner work. Whatever your flaws, HIS choices really are HIS, and you have to get out of his sandbox to let him work it out. Besides, you have your own sandbox to take care of, right?

Also, consider the next statement b/c it's MY perception, it's how something struck me.

It's that the times you say you are sad to "see him struggling" sound less like compassion for him, and more like an extreme form of enabling.

I guess It's just that to me, it's odd to pity someone for their confusion WHILE they are divorcing you. I get why your DB coach says to build from the friendship, but I'm interested in how she feels about those types of reactions in you, and how much your h is pretending that "everything is the same...except..."
and how much it helps him when you continue to "validate". My DB coach said to "listen like a lover" But she excluded the topic of Divorce and his new groovy single life, from that category. I wonder if your coach might react differently about the friendship, at those times.

Still, your insights in general, are really SO impressive. The real journey in life is an inward one and you're clearly doing it.

I struggle with feeling like I'm not a good enough mother; if I were, I would be able to provide her the family life she deserves. These are things that I've worked on in IC, but, clearly, I haven't resolved them.

Were you working on these issues before the BD? IF so, how do you feel about the IC you have? There is a workshop you might consider. It's called "Essential Experience", in Philadelphia. ITs a personal growth workshop for individuals, not couples (though couples do attend. And when you get the tools to make yourself happier, it spills over into your M, and other r's in your life.)

I highly recommend it. I'd say it's life changing. Several DBers have gone too, (Autumn Leaves, PowerOfNow, LuckyLuke, and more) and they very much endorse it. It's there that you''ll get tools for creating your new fulfilling life, and identify areas where you might be sabotaging your life, and how to engage in NEW behaviors...it's the most profound thing I've attended.

Considering how many of these^ types of things I've attended, it's a lot for me to say. Retrovaille is also very good, but it's only for couples. I can't say your h will ever go. You don't control that....but with Essential Experience (aka "EE") you could work on your life without your h there.


I would never want my D7 to feel the way that I do. Intellectually, I know that my parents D and my mother's choices were not my fault. Truly, I know that. Still, these feelings crop up.

Well, where the head goes, the heart will follow. Make a daily effort to free yourself of this^^ baggage. IT's not helping you and it might be part of why you enable your h so much, while calling it compassion.
It just seems more like "must do whatever it takes to keep him from leaving", and that's fear based. The belief that you can keep THIS H, might be a result of your childhood more than you realize.

KGirl - Thank you for the book recommendation. My reading list keeps getting longer! I remember you posting something very similar recently about feeling like others were further ahead than you were. When I read the post on your thread, I thought What's she talking about? She's doing great! Like you've heard from others, my sister and my friends have all made comments about how much strength I have and how they would never be able to handle things the same way. Sometimes, I guess it is easier to see from the outside looking in.

JennD - Thank you for the reminder that we can't compare situations. I love your list idea. Though you probably can't tell it from most of my posts, I'm very logically/rationally minded. I write things down and make a plan and I think this exercise could be really beneficial. Except for the part where you feel responsible for your hs' choices, you come across as very rational & very honest to me.

Thornton - Thank you for your kind words. It's nice to hear a reminder. I know and have said (unfortunately to my H, once) that if my H never chooses to R, this really is his loss.

When you really believe this^^^, it will radiate more. I'd probably never discuss a recon with him later.. When he says it, I'd be very vague. It's not that you'd have to punish him, or scare him or teach him a lesson, b/c that never was your job. But he's learned so little, and had relatively little change in HIS r with you, and I cannot help but note that his r with his mom was one in which she sounds like the giver/enabler, and he has was taken care by her, and then by you.

Also, just an FYI. My oldest brother (I have 5) was a WAH. I loved my sil, and was so angry at my brother. I also believed he was losing a lot more than she was, but to see her so heartbroken and know HE had been a mediocre h to begin with but HE was leaving HER...I tried reasoning with him,to no avail.

I bluntly told him he was a fool, but then he did not want to talk about his situation again. Today, 17 years later, she's been re-married to her "new" h for about 14 of those years. She's much better suited to her 2nd h than she was with my brother. I can honestly say he did her a favor by leaving, but it still hurt to see. and They had one daughter. Remarkably, she's a wonderful young woman who is in a loving r with her bf. My brother remarried and chose a VERY low maintenance woman (who has almost no expectations of him, so in a way he chose well). He also has a second child, another d. So his two d's are 20 years apart but d1 is wonderful with her little sister.

That niece (the now 22 y/o) said to someone who overheard, "I love my dad but who would ever marry him?" I am ashamed to admit that I was glad to hear that...I just needed to know that my niece "got it" and she did. And without her mom, my former sil, ever saying a bad thing about my brother.

Anyhow, I digress...
Your mil is in a terrible position. I have a son in his 20s, and if were to leave his wife without a damn good reason, I'd be so disappointed. Even as much as I love him, it would deeply hurt me to see him do that to a woman who loves him.

I'm SO glad you reached out to your mil.


And, per labug's guidance, some small goals for today...

1. Call my MIL.

I called and talked to my MIL this afternoon. She cried. I cried. She reminded me that I'll always be her daughter, no matter what happens with H. She asked me if H was in IC. I told her that was his story to tell and I didn't feel comfortable divulging his personal business. She respected that. She said that she was shocked. H just called her out of the blue a couple of weeks ago and said he was filing for D. He didn't tell her why or tell her that we were separated. She said that she thought we were doing great. She also said she wants to fly out here and kick his a$$.

asked her not to be angry with him and that I could tell he was struggling a lot and so I was trying to have as much patience and compassion as possible. She asked about D7 and I told her that I was taking her to a counselor next week. She also told me that she really missed having me at her brother's funeral a couple of months ago. I apologized for not being there and told her that H asked me not to go. I told her that I wouldn't let that happen again and that I be there for her regardless of what he had to say about it. She told me that she had previously planned to fly out in a few months to visit. I told her she was welcome anytime. She said, Could I still stay with you?. I assured her that she could.

It was a very emotional conversation and I'm in tears again now as I think about it. I'm so glad I reached out to her. Labug - thank you. I'm not sure I would have without your suggestion.

None of the advice here is useful if we choose to ignore it. You were wise to take her advice.

2. Look up the TED talks 25 has recommended and watch them.

I haven't done this one yet, but will before going to bed tonight.

And goals for tomorrow:

1. Write down my list of observations and concerns about D7. I have a preliminary appointment with her therapist first thing Thursday morning and I want to be organized and thorough.

2. Start reading the book I have on help children cope with divorce. Obviously, I still have issues from my own parents' D that still creep up on me and I don't want D7 to face those same issues if I can help it.

3. Sign up for a fitness class of some sort. I have several possibilities to choose from. I need to check the class schedules and see what works best.

I'm not sure if these were the types of goals you were thinking of, labug. I just feel more productive having come up with some.

It's a great list! Soon I hope you'll add something fun to it. Something that gives You some joy.

Tomorrow is D7's end-of-year awards ceremony and party at school, so I'll be there for part of the day. She's always super happy to see me at school events

Keep on keeping on...no matter what your h does, KNOW you'll be alright.

And there will be love in your life again. When are you going to add a bit of mystery to your life? I think the sooner the better. As for how and why the 15% OF divorced couples remarry their exes, all I can say is 2 of my family members did it.

They did NOT intend to reconcile at the time of their D however, (not that I know of and not that it showed). Reconciling later on, was never mentioned). I can't help but think your h has such an obvious back up plan that he will never fear losing that, and thus, won't ever feel the need to come home...I mean, based on how it has worked so far (keeping you plugged in and NOT detached), I think he believes he can always return later.

Why bother doing it until if and when he "has to"? And that would most likely occur, if ever, when he fears losing you.

Make sense?

[SemperFi00]

The frightening question we are implicitly asking ourselves was,
"If I'm so great, why is the person who knows me best, leaving me?"

And the answer is usually not a satisfactory or useful one. Your h might be leaving you b/c of unresolved issues HE has, or b/c HIS perceptions are skewed, or b/c there's a wacky imbalance of chemistry in HIS brain.

B/C if the answer were really all about how you are, secretly, a monster, we'd know b/c you are incredibly self aware and insightful. You've been engaged in some BRAVE inner work. Whatever your flaws, HIS choices really are HIS, and you have to get out of his sandbox to let him work it out. Besides, you have your own sandbox to take care of, right?

I struggle with feeling like I'm not a good enough mother; if I were, I would be able to provide her the family life she deserves.

Were you working on these issues before the BD? IF so, how do you feel about the IC you have? There is a workshop you might consider. It's called "Essential Experience", in Philadelphia. ITs a personal growth workshop for individuals, not couples (though couples do attend. And when you get the tools to make yourself happier, it spills over into your M, and other r's in your life.)

hope456 and 25yearsmlc, the two comments above really resonated with me and have given me more to think about. Thanks for sharing your stories and experiences.

[labug]

The list is good but I would say add something that's more about taking care of you. Something that's a treat. You deserve it. Why would anyone else value you if you don't?

In the future when you start believing everything your mind tells you, remember this experience with your MIL. You were so sure the R with her was over, that's the story your mind was telling you.

It wasn't true. So when you start getting into that victim thing, challenge yourself. Ask, What do I know to be true? In the case with MIL, all you knew was you hadn't talked to her for a couple of months and your H had told her he filed. Putting 2+2 together and coming up with 6 isn't helpful.

Another tool to develop is choosing your thoughts, which 25 mentioned. With practice, you can do this. When that self-judgment starts up, refuse to listen to it. It takes work, a lot of work but it will make your life so much better. You control your mind, your mind doesn't control you.

You're moving in the right direction, but it is like moving through molasses sometimes.

[hope456]

As always, thank you Jenn, SemperFi, 25, and labug for your responses. You've given me lots to think about.

Also, consider the next statement b/c it's MY perception, it's how something struck me.

It's that the times you say you are sad to "see him struggling" sound less like compassion for him, and more like an extreme form of enabling.

25 - Have you been talking to my sister? She and I just had a conversation about this very thing. The "conversation" had her sighing in frustration/exasperation A LOT. I'm making note of this to think about some more because I think it requires/deserves a lot of self-reflection. My initital thoughts are that I do enable him entirely too much. I don't think I did this before our first separation. I think it came after we reconciled then. I am certain that it is fear-based. My sister sees it that way as well. My H is the only person I do this with. In general, I'm very good with setting boundaries, but I do not set them with him at all. I have a lot of work to do here.

I guess It's just that to me, it's odd to pity someone for their confusion WHILE they are divorcing you. I get why your DB coach says to build from the friendship, but I'm interested in how she feels about those types of reactions in you, and how much your h is pretending that "everything is the same...except..."
and how much it helps him when you continue to "validate". My DB coach said to "listen like a lover" But she excluded the topic of Divorce and his new groovy single life, from that category. I wonder if your coach might react differently about the friendship, at those times.

I do think I have compassion for my H, as strange as that may seem. I think what I really have compassion for is that feeling he seems to have that happiness is out there just waiting for him to find it. Some of this compassion probably comes from my mom behaving in a very similar way. I also believe that he suffers from depression and that has a big impact on the decisions he is making. That said, I still think most of my reactions/decisions are based on fear of him really going through with D. Your comments regarding validating and friendship make a lot of sense to me. I'm going to talk to my DB coach about them during our next call.

Were you working on these issues before the BD? IF so, how do you feel about the IC you have? There is a workshop you might consider. It's called "Essential Experience", in Philadelphia. ITs a personal growth workshop for individuals, not couples (though couples do attend. And when you get the tools to make yourself happier, it spills over into your M, and other r's in your life.)

I highly recommend it. I'd say it's life changing. Several DBers have gone too, (Autumn Leaves, PowerOfNow, LuckyLuke, and more) and they very much endorse it. It's there that you''ll get tools for creating your new fulfilling life, and identify areas where you might be sabotaging your life, and how to engage in NEW behaviors...it's the most profound thing I've attended.

I worked on them a lot during our first separation. I had a great IC then. Now, I live in a different state, so I can't see her. I went three years ago to see another IC because of my anxiety issues. I didn't like that IC as much. After BD, I found another IC, but I only saw her for a few months. I felt that she constantly projected issues from her own divoce years ago on my situation. She actually encouraged me to hire a PI to have my H followed to determine if he was having an A. I will look into EE. It sounds very beneficial.

That niece (the now 22 y/o) said to someone who overheard, "I love my dad but who would ever marry him?" I am ashamed to admit that I was glad to hear that...I just needed to know that my niece "got it" and she did. And without her mom, my former sil, ever saying a bad thing about my brother.

My D7 is very perceptive and already makes comments about H. I am very careful to not say anything around her, so I know this is coming from her own mind. Two nights ago, H wasn't there to tuck her in. He saw her briefly earlier in the day and to him that counts as tucking her in. She doesn't see it that way. As I was sitting in her bed with her, she said, "Where's Daddy?" I told her that he wouldn't be there that night and reminded her that he saw her and gave her hugs and kisses earlier in the day. She said, "He's never here like he says. I think he's just making excuses." It makes me very sad that she's having to experience this.

Your mil is in a terrible position. I have a son in his 20s, and if were to leave his wife without a damn good reason, I'd be so disappointed. Even as much as I love him, it would deeply hurt me to see him do that to a woman who loves him.

She said something similar. She kept apologizing to me and I finally said, "This isn't your fault." She replied that she was very hurt that her son would do this to someone she loved.

I can't help but think your h has such an obvious back up plan that he will never fear losing that, and thus, won't ever feel the need to come home...I mean, based on how it has worked so far (keeping you plugged in and NOT detached), I think he believes he can always return later.

Why bother doing it until if and when he "has to"? And that would most likely occur, if ever, when he fears losing you.

Make sense?

Yes it makes SO much sense. I think you are right about him feeling that he has an ovious back up plan. I know you are right that I am not detached.

Question: What would you suggest I say if he starts talking to me about his anxiety over figuring out what to do next in his life since he never expected his life to be like this? Not sure if I posted that before, but that is an actual thing he has said to me. Last time, I validated that statement, but I don't really think I should have. I also don't think I should say "You're the one who wanted this!"

The list is good but I would say add something that's more about taking care of you. Something that's a treat. You deserve it. Why would anyone else value you if you don't?


In the future when you start believing everything your mind tells you, remember this experience with your MIL. You were so sure the R with her was over, that's the story your mind was telling you.

It wasn't true. So when you start getting into that victim thing, challenge yourself. Ask, What do I know to be true? In the case with MIL, all you knew was you hadn't talked to her for a couple of months and your H had told her he filed. Putting 2+2 together and coming up with 6 isn't helpful.

I think I need an appointment for a massage. I NEVER treat myself to them unless I'm on vacation. Does that count?

I will keep this example in mind. I have a tendency to jump into the future and assume that I know what people are going to think/do and, obviously, I don't always have all the answers.

I had an appointment with D7's IC this morning. More on that in another post.

Thanks again, everyone.

Oh, and as for GAL, I'm going to dinner and a play with a group of friends tonight.

[hope456]

Last night, I went to H’s apartment to tuck D7 in. When I was with her, she said, Mommy, when is Daddy going to stop living in this apartment and live in our house again? I said, That isn’t really a question I can answer. You’d need to ask Daddy about that. Immediately, she called out, Daddy, when are you going to live in our house again. H said, Can we talk about that another time? and then told her he was going to walk me to the door. We had a brief conversation where I said that I didn’t feel it was good for her to delay answering these questions. He said that he thought we were waiting to tell her. We were waiting to tell her until after her academic testing was complete, but that testing was over on Monday. He has previously said that we never have to tell her that we are getting D. I told him last night that refusing to answer her questions is like lying to her and it will make her unlikely to trust us or what we are saying. He just seemed frustrated with the whole situation. We agreed that I would talk to her IC about it this morning.

So, I met with the therapist we found first thing this morning. She wanted to understand what has gone on before her first meeting with D7. I really liked her. The bookshelf in her office had a copy of DR right where I could see it. She has recommended that we talk to D7 about the situation before next Friday as that is their first session. She agrees that if D7 is asking these questions, we can’t prolong it. We also talked about the fact that H told D7 that he would tuck her in when she was with me and vice versa. I told her that D7 is bothered by H’s inconsistency and that I felt it wasn’t something that was sustainable long-term. She agreed. She thinks that we should also tell D7 that from now on, I will tuck her in at my house and H will tuck her in at his apartment, but that she is welcome to call either of us at any time.

I called H after the appointment and told him what the recommendations were. He agreed that we need to talk about what we are going to say to her. I think we will be having the conversation with her over the weekend. I’m not looking forward to that at all. The IC suggested a couple of books and gave me a packet about kids and D, so I’ll be doing some reading after my plans tonight.
So, once we tell D7 that we will not be tucking her in at the other person’s house, I’m expecting a couple of things to happen. First, I think that she is going to be very upset by this. However, I think that not seeing H everyday will make detachment easier for me.

If anyone has any advice about the conversation with D7, please let me know. I’m really dreading it. I know that this was a defining moment in my own childhood and I never wanted her to experience it.

[25yearsmlc]

Hope

I can only pass on what my IC told me to say to the girls IF & WHEN they asked, (which is itself a signal that they are ready to hear something)

But at that time, my h had not filed. (He never did file. I filed for a sep so we wouldn't lose the house in case his "heroes" advised him to "invest" up there on the last frontier with the gold rush, (words, actually used by my h...SIDENOTE: years later h mentioned how glad he was that "WE didn't mortgage our house for those guys..." There was no need for me to correct the history. But I marvel at his way of recalling the whole ordeal...)

OKAY so back to the IC's advice...

First off, unless we were 100% CERTAIN we were divorcing, I could reply when asked, "I sure hope not, b/c I've loved your dad a long time"

or "Hope not. We've been together a long while, so I hope we can work it out..." And "we are working on it".

Second, he said not to introduce any 3rd party to them unless/until we felt pretty confident they'd be permanent people in our lives ("75% sure") AND EVEN THEN the kids were to have "reasonable veto power", meaning that if they did not get along with the OP, the OP was to go away.

It'd be different if the only reason they did not like the OP was b/c they still wanted a recon or if they were being "wacky". But as a L, it never ceased to amaze me when someone would tell me they were in a new R and the person was "great except they dont' like/get along with my kids..." And I'd stop them right there.

I'd say, "how can someone be 'great' AND NOT get along with your kids?"

Finally and perhaps most importantly, we were to stress to the kids, what would remain the same in their lives. (AND That their happiness was key to ours. I said to my d's, especially my youngest, "I will do what I think will make YOU the happiest in the long run" and I meant it.)

If no new house was needed, (ie., no move) or if the neighborhood and school and friends would still be nearby, THAT was what you stressed. So, while admitting that other changes were coming, a lot of their lives were NOT going to be turned upside down. They need to know that.

For our d's, the most important thing they said was that they did NOT want to move again, or if they had to, to at least stay in the area. (We had been in the military and moved A LOT. I now see that moving around after about the age of 11/12, is traumatic for a lot of kids).

Since d1 was in her junior year of high school, staying put was essential to all of us for at least that amount of time.

My internal, private timeline for how long I'd db and not file for divorce, was when my oldest d graduated from high school. I figured if h had not worked this ordeal out of his system by then, I'd officially move on. But he did have his awakening in time, so I didn't have to file for D.

Hope this helps.