H and I just got into an argument over the phone. As I've mentioned, we have not hired attorneys because we thought we could handle everything ourselves (since my sister is a family L) and we are pretty amicable. Before H and I moved out, we discussed our D decree including an injunction barring either party from having an overnight guest with whom they have an intimate or dating relationship in the home when D7 is present. My sister tells me this isn't unreasonable in the eyes of the courts and is a fairly common mutual injunction in our state. We both agreed to this, though H doesn't remember it that way now. The decree specifically lists hours the guest is prohibited from being present in the home (i.e. 10 pm to 7 am or 11 pm to 8 am). The hours are within our discretion to set. I didn't have a particularly strong opinion on what the hours should be, so I sent H this message this morning:
For the overnight guest thing, we get to pick the hours. She said people usually pick something like 10pm to 7 am. What sounds good to you?
About an hour later, H called saying he wanted to discuss it. D7's friend and her mom were literally pulling into my driveway right then to come for a play date, so I told him that I would need to call him back after the mom left. He said, "No. Tell them to wait. I want to have this conversation." I calmly, but firmly, said, "Now isn't a convenient time. I'll call you back."
When I called H back, he started talking about the injunction meaning that one of us couldn't live with someone until after they were married and that wasn't a reasonable request. He actually said, "So, we have to just rush into M without living with someone. That's basically asking for a D." I know that I probably shouldn't have, but I said, "Statistically speaking, you are more likely to D if you do live together before M than if you don't." He said, "I don't care about that. It's my opinion." Umm, ok. He insists that this is about me keeping him "under my thumb" and controlling him. I didn't expect this reaction from him about this at all. He had already agreed to it. I had a childhood where my mother paraded a slew of different men in and out of our lives and I do not want the same for my D7. Really, this is about what I feel is best for D7. I kept trying to end the conversation, saying things like, "It's clear that we both have very strong opinions on this subject, so I don't think this is going to be a productive conversation." He just wants us to trust one another's judgment. But, I don't trust his judgment anymore. At all. I don't think he's capable of putting D7's interests above his own desires.
Now, he's threating to hire an attorney and go to court over this issue. I said, "If this is the issue you want to got to battle over, I guess that is how it will be." I talked to my sister and asked her to treat my like her client and not like her sister. She said that if we were to go to court, a judge would most likely rule in my favor.
I really think my H is not accustomed to me NOT caving in, especially since BD. He doesn't seem to like the fact that I've found my spine.
The course of action is admittedly not a great one. I would have to file a motion with the court. The judge would reprimand him, but there likely would not be any other consequences. Based on his violation of the order, I could attempt to get a modification of the visitation schedule, but that wouldn't be guaranteed.
Before sending the text to H regarding overnight guests, I sent him an email recommending a custody schedule that was not 50/50, which is what he has been insisting upon. My proposed schedule ends up being a 60/50 split of visitation time, so it isn't that much different, but it provides fewer transitions for D7, which has been one of the hardest things for her. I was really surprised that I hadn't heard anything from H about it. He called this morning and told me that he had just gotten my message. He didn't seem happy about it and asked me why. I explained that I felt that it gave her more stability and a clearer "home base." He said that he understood that, but wasn't a fan of the idea. Then, he really surprised me. He said that he would "concede" to my custody suggestion if I would make a concession on the injunction against overnight visitors.
So, I talked to my sister, who recommended that I agree. I'll admit that I'm a little curious about WHY he's so stuck on that issue, but I'm trying not to let my mind go there. I don't think it would be a very beneficial place for me to get stuck, especially when I'm still feeling so detached.
I mentioned in a post a few weeks ago that I had noticed a new guy at work. I'm finding that I'm very attracted to him. I don't even know very much about him! I feel like it's WAY too soon to start dating anyone, but I feel like a schoolgirl with a crush.
So, what to do? I guess just take it as a good sign that I'm feeling optimistic that there is someone else out there for me (whoever that may be), which is a HUUUUUUGE improvement over where I was a few months ago.
Thanks, oad. It is nice to feel positive. I really don't have a whole lot in the way of negative feelings at all anymore. I experience occasional annoyance with H, but not really hurt or anger now. Mostly, I feel relieved. And optimistic
Update: found out yesterday that my H has had an OW for months. The relationship became a PA at least 10 months ago (people put some REALLY stupid stuff on the internet). He does not know that I know. They are planning a a Vegas wedding, even though he told our D7 a month ago that he was never getting married again. The OW (who truly is a step down from me in MANY ways) has a Pinterest board dedicated to decorating my daughter's bedroom. If she thinks she's going to fill my shoes, she has a serious mental disability.
This woman also has a criminal record. She's a fine, upstanding citizen, clearly.
I do wonder if OW knows that her fiancé was sleeping with his wife as recently as three months ago. Their wedding posts started 27 weeks ago, so I doubt it.
On a side note, my OB didn't have an appointment available until September. I have a call in to her nurse to have me worked in for an appointment for a full STD workup ASAP.
Also, he had the nerve on Thursday to call me and act shocked and disappointed that I was changing my name. He told me it made this all feel real. Right, so scr@wing someone else for 10+ months didn't make things feel real, but me taking back MY name, does? He's f*cking delusional.
I was just thinking how I hadn't seen a post from you in a while... and then saw this :S Ewww. I'm so sorry you found that out. Glad you are getting the testing done (that sounds awkward to say!) Do you find that a lot of things make more sense now that you know that was underlying everything?
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
