"Man The F*** Up" The Ultimate 180

[MrBond]

25yearsmlc is right. I hear more blaming on your part and centering on the A than actually trying to understand what's really going on. You're still in the anger stage of all this. A little humility would help.

[RedHawk98]

Thanks for taking the time to read all that.
Truth be told, it was a little uncomfortable for me to read that too at times.
In the time since I wrote that, I can safely say the Anger Stage is over.
Between writing that extensive account and recent things happening, all the negatives of the past are out of my system.

"Keeping all this between us" as she insisted has done me no good. It's totally consumed me and caused a lot of unpredictable behabiour from me. I'm hurting more than I've ever known, and she has expected me to protect her image and allow her to continue this relationship. That's difficult to carry alone.

I made mistakes in the months leading to separation and many during too.
The ones I made before we separated, I have dealt with. I'm confident of that.

The one's during have been mostly due to pursuing. I have appeared desperate to reconcile. Not attractive obviously.
Pursuing for me has been pretty humiliating. The decline in self esteem that gives you makes you do it even more.
That has also stopped.

Third party involvement has been a problem on both sides. I have not always asked for it.
My side seem to hammer her with guilt.
Her side encourages the "Follow your heart" school. (Most are divorced at least once or twice or have never married)

Regarding my wife, I actually do understand her feelings completely. I know her too well.

However, would you agree with me on this?
A wound cannot heal while a foreign body is in there.
A marriage can't be healed with an OM there either.

No matter what I do for myself or our marriage, while a third party is there fulfilling her needs, and she refuses to admit or show remorse for it, there is little hope for reconciliation.

That's why I place a lot of weight on the OM issue.
I hope I'm wrong.
I understand also, that a marriage with some issues stands little chance against a shiny new OM telling her everything she wants to hear.

One of the main reasons for the drop in anger in me, is that the dam burst on her secret with me sometime last week.
I heard that she was introducing the OM to her family as someone who was a supportive friend during separation, who became more.
Not the man she left me for.

I was furious and exposed on FB immediately. They all know now.
After the dam burst, I recieved a flood of messages. Expecting nothing but hatred from her friends and family, the messages were mostly of support and admiration.
Very few of them ever believed her version of the story, and many were not pleased at her attitude and treatment of me.

It was certainly wasn't premeditated. I'm still questioning whether I did the right thing.

Either way, I am moving on with life and moving far away now for a fresh start. I have stopped pursuing completely. I have even filed for part two of a divorce that I never wanted.

If my wife wants to talk, I'm more than willing to. But I will not do so while that individual is a part of her life.

[MrBond]

"In the time since I wrote that, I can safely say the Anger Stage is over.
Between writing that extensive account and recent things happening, all the negatives of the past are out of my system."

Hate to break it to you, but it will take more than a week for it to go away. It stays with you for years. Often in the form of resentment and righteousness.

"Keeping all this between us" as she insisted has done me no good. It's totally consumed me and caused a lot of unpredictable behabiour from me. I'm hurting more than I've ever known, and she has expected me to protect her image and allow her to continue this relationship. That's difficult to carry alone."

BUT you don't have to tell everyone who will listen.

"I made mistakes in the months leading to separation and many during too.
The ones I made before we separated, I have dealt with. I'm confident of that."

Again, it's pretty arrogant of you to think that. People don't change that quickly.

"The one's during have been mostly due to pursuing. I have appeared desperate to reconcile. Not attractive obviously."

All you're doing is concentrating on "attractiveness". That's not what got you to where you are.

"Regarding my wife, I actually do understand her feelings completely. I know her too well."

I would also say this is incorrect. To be honest, if you understood her feelings, you wouldn't have gotten to this place in the first place. Just saying.

"However, would you agree with me on this?
A wound cannot heal while a foreign body is in there.
A marriage can't be healed with an OM there either."

While that is true, the wound cannot heal if what happened to cause it in the first place is still there. If it's not this OM it will be another unless she wants to stay with you.

"No matter what I do for myself or our marriage, while a third party is there fulfilling her needs, and she refuses to admit or show remorse for it, there is little hope for reconciliation."

See it's that "refuses to admit or show remorse for it" attitude that makes you sound self-righteous. It's not a mistake from her perspective. You can't keep trying to control her and make her feel something. That all stems from your anger.

"That's why I place a lot of weight on the OM issue.
I hope I'm wrong."

Yes you are.

"I understand also, that a marriage with some issues stands little chance against a shiny new OM telling her everything she wants to hear."

From what you described, it didn't sound like you had just "some" issues. See, that's the way YOU perceive your M problems. Your W probably feels otherwise. And it's what she thinks that counts because she was the one that left.

"One of the main reasons for the drop in anger in me, is that the dam burst on her secret with me sometime last week."

I thought you said you sent out the message "accidentally".

"I heard that she was introducing the OM to her family as someone who was a supportive friend during separation, who became more.
Not the man she left me for.

I was furious and exposed on FB immediately. They all know now."

YOu kept saying that was "accidental". I guess it wasn't. That was you wanting revenge on her. And don't say it wasn't. It's so obvious it was.

"After the dam burst, I recieved a flood of messages. Expecting nothing but hatred from her friends and family, the messages were mostly of support and admiration.
Very few of them ever believed her version of the story, and many were not pleased at her attitude and treatment of me."

There is a saying around here that goes ... "do you want to be right or do you want to be married?"

Just because you feel justified and "right" doesn't mean that your W will want to go back to you. Imagine if someone exposed a secret you had. Would you still be friends with that person? Exposing to close family may be okay. But since you sent it out to all of social media, well that's something else. I mean, how do you think your W will feel knowing that her/your friends know she fooled around? That's all control on your part.

"If my wife wants to talk, I'm more than willing to. But I will not do so while that individual is a part of her life."

I don't see any reason why your W would want to come back. I mean you exposed a strong vulnerability about her to all of your friends, and you filed for D. What possible reason does she have to want to come back?

[RedHawk98]

I believe I have less anger in me now because, instead of being defensive with you before as I was, I'm looking for the truth and advice in what you're saying.

No longer hiding her secret and gave me nothing more to feel angry about.

This second exposure was not accidental. It happened around a week ago.
I selected the Family list on FB, so that only people who she knew would know.
This wasn't a full nuclear exposure.
This second exposure wasn't an accident. I snapped.

If I come off as righteous, it's only because I don't like my wife lying to and about me, and being with another man.
It hurts.

So far as to how my wife feels, that has been very difficult to follow during bomb drop and separation.
She contradicts everything she says, shifts blame at any opportunity, and just wants to sweep everything under the carpet.
I have gently asked if we can talk to take away the toxicity many times im the last 12 months. This request is always ignored too.

Attractiveness was actually an issue. One of the changes she required of me. That has been noticed and impressed her.

In answer to your main question, I do actually know the answers.

My wife wanted to see me happy again.
I did lose a big part of my personality for the last year we were together.
Aside from the separation and imminent divorce, everything else in life is much better now.
Another big part of this is respect.
Her financially supporting us both for a while was something she had no issue with (I had supported is both for a while too). But it was used by OM and her friend to generate resentment toward me.

What is interesting is that she becomes almost childlike in avoiding anything that might alter the frame of mind she needs to move forward.

"I told you I don't need to hear that" is something I'm regularly told if I tell her anything positive regarding a future between us.
She has made many missassumptions during our difficult months together and the future we had.

It's like she does not want to see or hear anything that interferes or alters her perception of myself or our marriage.

[MrBond]

"What is interesting is that she becomes almost childlike in avoiding anything that might alter the frame of mind she needs to move forward."

It's quite common and the same can be said of the LBS.

"She has made many missassumptions during our difficult months together and the future we had. "

Mindreading. That is how she feels. That is what she believes. She has a right to that as much as you have a right to your own interpretation of how things were. You can never slice anything so thin that it doesn't have two sides. Just because you feel one way, it doesn't mean that the way she feels or believes is wrong.

[RedHawk98]

It would mean the world to me if my wife and I could sit down and see eye to eye on our marriage.
I know the reasons why she's reluctant.

When you say "Do you want to be right or happy?" I couldn't agree more.
Hurt has made me want to be right. Hurt has also stopped me being happy.
I see all the hurt and angry folk being righteous and angry on the boards.
Do I want to be like that?
No.
It's just not me.

To be honest, all that righteousness and anger has made me look like my mother. A person who, with the best of intentions, likes to involve herself in everyone's lives. My marriage too.
My wife does hold a lot of resentment towards her for that.

She tearfully said once "I just wanted you to be yourself".
That meant not angry and stressed all the time, strong enough to take whatever life threw at me, and be someone she could lean on too.

I'm sorry I got defensive with you earlier when you tried to help.
Thanks man.

[owl777]

Red Hawk hang in there. Coming from the White Owl.

[RedHawk98]

Cheers to you too!

[RedHawk98]

I'm safe to say it here and get it off my chest.
But I was thinking how much I missed hearing her singing when I came home. I loved her voice.
A few hours later, a mutual friend liked a new photo of hers that she had uploaded, so it appeared in my feed.

Tore me to pieces seeing her.

Time to come off social media for a while. Best stick to just phone calls and texts with everyone.

[DaddyLongShanks]

I'm safe to say it here and get it off my chest.
But I was thinking how much I missed hearing her singing when I came home. I loved her voice.
A few hours later, a mutual friend liked a new photo of hers that she had uploaded, so it appeared in my feed.

Tore me to pieces seeing her.

Time to come off social media for a while. Best stick to just phone calls and texts with everyone.

You have to move forward. The strongest way to move forward is with a new life and a new relationship partner, even if it's only a good FWB.