We have been separated for 3 months, but really going back over a year. Tried marriage counseling for a few months, didn't help. She began to stay away and spend time alone more and more about 14 months ago. I was abusive verbally and somewhat controlling. Mainly just and angry person in general. I carried a lot of shame with me, and pain from a hard childhood. Took a lot out on her. I also hid pornography addiction, and a chewing tobacco habit. I would quit chewing and start again, always getting caught in the poorest of situations, her gpas funeral being one. I am working on my faults, and improving slightly by the day.
My question for help really comes from this. I took bad advice and snooped some about a man and her. Found some emails that were not quite right, and confronted her with it. Bad move on my part, she was furious, and probably not having an affair. That was 2 weeks ago, and she said she was done. She never filed and now says she just doesn't care. I believe part of her issue is post partum baby depression. We have a 19 month old, and she has been very down since then. Recently saying she just wants to give up. Everything she does is for nothing, everything she has is no good no matter how hard she works for it. She called the other night just crying her eyes out, that she missed the girls, her mom had them while she was working, so she didn't soeedeay much time with them. She said she didn't deserve to see them anyway, and that it's her fault our 4 year old hurts so much because she left.
I just need to know from my viewpoint, what should I be doing. We have limited contact, mainly the stuff on kiddos. I did say on the phone that I love her and miss her and am sorry for what I did. Might have been the wrong thing. However, she has also said that I didn't try to stop her very hard when she left, and I don't talk to her at all now. These words were not spoken to me but to a couple if people in my and her family. I am just lost, I miss my family and her so much.
Just so everything is out there. We haven't had sex but maybe 3 times in 2 years. No real time together just her and I either. She is also in grad school, and has been for a couple of years. We are in debt from her school and mine, and were constantly worried about money. Basically, both of us walking on the proverbial egg shells.
Is there something I can do? I am trying limit contact, no more snooping, no arguments, telling her if she needs anything I am there for her. What can I do to possibly get her back or at least get her to a better place mentally.
Going to be a long story. My W walked away 3 moths ago. We tried MC for about 6 months to no avail. I had hid a pornography addiction, and lied about quitong my chewing tobacco habit numerous times. It got to the point to where I was just angry and we fought a lot. We have 2 kids, 2 and 5, and split custody with them.
I have DR and have read and skimmed it often. Trying my best to detach and GAL. However I made a lot of mistakes at first. I was emotional, and needy, and I know it drover her further away. Then a bombshell 2 weeks ago, I snooped found a coiple of emails that were with OM, and comfronted her. All hell broke loose from that. She wanted a divorce, thought I was stupid, could never trust me and so on. So for the last 2 weeks very limited contact, and just rying ti be nice when we meet, and not argue or start anything.
However, thmpast Sunday, she called totalk to the kids and proceeded to just lose it. Couldnt stop crying, said she didnt want to live couldnt take it anymore. I lost it with her, couldnt control my emotions. I told her I loved her, was sorry, didnt want to hurt her anymore and so on. She said she doesnt know how I could do what I did if I loved her.
As of Monday, we talked on the phine about just normal day to day stuff, and Tuesday met at kiddos dance class and set and talked about just everyday stuff. Then today I dropped off kids with her and she was super nice, even cracked a joke about the kids and fathers day.
I know don't believe eveuthing you see and hear, but how in the world do you handle that stich. I have decided to try and just let go, but that convo on Sunday really shook me. I feel like she is maybe feeling guilty a bit, or confused on what she wants. I think she is suffering from post partum depression from last baby too, if thats possible. Since having her she has been super down, and just in a rut. Mind you my attitude probably didnt help at all.
I just don't know how to proceed after her broken moment. Should I continue to detach, try to get closer, or what? just looking for some help
the second thread contains more info of why and how. I got advice tonight from friends, keep up the good fight, marriage is so worth it. It's nice to know good friends still exist in the world.
Feeling really down today. Didn't sleep well last night. Trying not to think of all the good times and memories of my relationship with W. I am committed to work the program though, but realize there are good days and bad to very bad days. When you get to a point to where you realize what you did wrong and why, the bad starts to go away and gets replaced with the good. That also makes you want to fight even more for what you think is right.
I hope to be able to keep that locked up around W, and maybe let it go on here or my journal. I have found that taking notes often makes it easier to get through the tough times. The feelings have to be out somewhere or it will just make things worse. Maybe one day I can look back at these notes, and say wow I can't believe I did and thought all of these things.
I have my girls this weekend, and W is in Oklahoma with her parents. We have started to be nicer to each other the last week or so. Seems weird, but I think it may be the calm before the storm so to speak. So hard to say if its baby steps or her just wanting to give up. I want to say baby steps toward a positive, but after such hostility for so long its hard to think too much positive.
I have been getting out more though. Dinner with friends, hanging out at friends houses. Going on a river floating trip next weekend. Will be nice to get out and enjoy some me time. The friends I am going with are very old friends I lost contact with for some time, even though we live 5 miles apart. Easy to let marriage stuff destroy everything.
I recently found out that my counselor is not going to be available for a while. I was actually seeing a grad student for counseling. She was very good though and we clicked, and it was very cheap since insurance wouldnt cover anything. Now I dont know what I am going to do. I have been seeing her for 9 months, there is a new grad student at the office she was in, but would be so hard to start over with someone new. What if we didn't click, or I couldnt open up. I think I may risk getting an appointment at some point.
One thing from some reading on threads on here. Good to see that I can let go of feelings on here, some of these are hard not to act on. If I can get the off my chest here, they wont find there way back to my wife perhaps. I am finally in a spot of seeing what went wrong and almost totally understanding my part in it all. Makes me very sad, I didnt see things from her opinin and beliefs only my own. I feel like if only she knew how I feel, things would be different. I know thats not entirely true, and somewhat of the old ways that didnt work. She needs to see that I understand, not hear it. I amtrying to just be validating, and ask her about her schooling or the kids, or somehthing along those lines. I did mess up and talk to her a bit on Friday evening, told her I am not going anywhere, and want to fight for my marriage. Wrong thing yes, but since then I have let her be. I need to find my way to completely detach, but I thnk I have to work through my feelings of regret first.
Its hard to find something to focus on that tales my mind off things. Time will help, and I just need to find my spot to completely let go and move on for me. I have noticed that the changes Imhave made, lost 35lbs, controlling angry outbursts, and exercise, were at first for her. Now its starting to mean more for me. I am feeling beter with more energy and more drive than I have in a few years. The more that kicks in the better I believe I will be able to detach. One question just for some advice from others who have lived this. It has beena year for any intimate activity. Any suggestions on things to try and relieve that stress. Exercise helps, focusing on my kids, and a few other things, but it is getting harder and harder it seems to get those thoughts out of the mind. Hopefully others may have some pointers on getting some relief. Thanks
What if we didn't click, or I couldnt open up. I think I may risk getting an appointment at some point.
Or what if they were able to provide you with comfort or insight you had not gotten from the other? Think positive! It is all about having a PMA
I wish I had more answers for you but I am still relatively new to this. I am sure some vets will chime in with sage advice for you.
Best of luck!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Yeah the last couple of days have been a bit hard for some reason. I think finding out I lost counselor, and lack of sleep this week has been tough. Not to mention my Bday last week, W bday 2 weeks ago, and last week 10 years ago, was the first time we went out for real. This month is absolutely full of important dates around our relationship, If only I could carve out the whole month of June.
It stinks I know. There are a million things, dates, places, etc. you can connect to your previous life where everything was happy. But doing that will only make you miserable. I read somewhere on here where a vet was telling someone to disconnect from that line of thinking. That item you bought together last vacation is just an inanimate object. It only has that special meaning because you allow it to. Disconnect from those things the best you can. Tomorrow is going to stink for a lot of LBHs as well. It will be my first father's day without my family together, and I will not even be getting my kids until mid day. But I will not let that bring me down. I am going to focus on the fact I will be getting to spend half of the day with my two sons and my father.
Keep your chin up.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
One other thing that hits me recently. I was completely out of love with my wife for the last year and a half or more. In the last couple of months through searching me and what makes me tick, has turned around those feelings something fierce. I realize what I did and why. And found I was never really out of love, but more angry and hurt that she couldnt forgive me for my shortcomings, and scared to death that she was going to leave. Funny how that leads to exactly what happened. I was wanting to push so hard and pursue so bad, but it is sinking in that is not even close to right. I do think everyone is different, and certain sitch require specific actions, but overall very similar. Maybe I realy did do too much to ever get her back, if so, I have to live with that and be able to move on. Hopefully I can find that path and get happier than I have been in a long time.
