Just a thought. I have seen a few posts that say when your wife comes crawling back to you. I think that is my problem with the no contact and tactics. I don't want my W to come crawling back. I want her to come back on her own 2 feet, looking me in the eye, we both say we are so sorry for the pain inflicted, and try to pick up the pieces.
Now just an observation, but I have noticed, myself included, that think it's terrible what the W did to us. In some cases this is true, but not many. We have all had a hand in the bad stuff. When they went running to another, we pushed them to it, were not giving them the best we could. I hate the fact that OM, could possibly be with her, but I hate even more that I caused it too.
The old saying, Walk a Mile in My Shoes, fits most of us to a tee. Until we can figure out why and how we did what we did, it will never get better. I am not saying I am done fixing me, just tired of trying to blame her. It's not only her, but me, and at this point more me. Everybody is different and reacts to the same thing differently. My W, was kind and caring, and now is hurt and angry. I know I can't do a thing to help her, but once you realize all the wrongs and begin the empathy trail, it might hurt a bit more than you think.
Every little thing I do that used to hurt her, from anger to lies to leaving socks around the house, puts a little pain in my heart. Knowing that all I had to do was look at myself in the mirror and ask why are doing this. I won't be perfect, don't think that's possible, but I will move forward with a goal of never hurting anyone like that again, at least within my own power. I will mess up, and I will apologize and not make excuses. Is it going to be enough to save my marriage, no probably not. However, if I am lucky enough to get another chance at love, I know it will be better.
Now back to not trying to think about the W, and keeping my fingers away from the text, and little call buttons on the phone. Cell phones are terrible by the way, how much easier would it be to do this 30 years ago. Go dark, oh wait, it's too much work to turn the rotary phone!! Lol!!!
The D's wanted to call the W. Oldest cut her foot so I had to talk to her for a minute and explain the problem. D5 wouldn't tell her what happened, small scrape or possible blister. It's so hard to not just pour out your heart time and again, but I wrote in my journal and kept it in. Day 1 of no meaningful contact. And yes I have the hardest time just day to day not thinking or wanting to contact her.
So easy to fall from best friends, to not even in contact. How can this country be in such bad shape. So many marriages fail, and the stats are there to back it up. I know we all make mistakes, but are we all really that bad at relationships, or just don't care enough anymore? It's almost like marriage isn't the way to even go anymore. Is it even worth getting married again? 70% of second marriages fail, now if you learn from your mistakes that's great. In the end it still takes the 2 to make it work.
It should be a prerequisite to read at least 10 relationship books or something. None of us on her set out to hurt our spouses, but we did it anyway. Divorce is just too easy these days too. You can sneeze wrong and have grounds for divorce. Make it tougher at least. All lawmakers scream about religion, but in the end they make it so easy to just unclog the courts. I'll quit, but needed a vent moment.
It should be a prerequisite to read at least 10 relationship books or something. None of us on her set out to hurt our spouses, but we did it anyway. Divorce is just too easy these days too. You can sneeze wrong and have grounds for divorce. Make it tougher at least. All lawmakers scream about religion, but in the end they make it so easy to just unclog the courts. I'll quit, but needed a vent moment.
Completely agree with this. At least think that we should all have to read 5LL before getting married. I dont think anyone out there knew what they were getting into when they got married the first time. I know that it was way more work than I thought it was going to be. But the one thing I can say good about this separation is that it has helped me realize what I am not and what I would like to be.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Good call on 5LL. And yes the amount of work is a lot, but I think with so much work, school, money stresses and the like, its nearly impossible to get it all right. It takes two special people with the willingness to work. Not to mention some very good advice along the way.
Its amazing how many friends either drop off or say dump em. Just wanting a quick fix. Thank the lord for places like this.
I do have a question for some advice. I have to sell the family home. I am torn to buy or rent at this time. I have 2 large dogs, so renting is a problem as well. I cant imagine living in an apartment. Have been in a home for over 8 years now. i do think buying bad in case of D, but with dogs and so much junk, going to be hard to find a decent cheap place to rent. Any thoughts?
Yeah me too. I would not take on any new possessions in case you actually end up getting D. I had to back out of a house that I was in the middle of purchasing for us like 2 weeks ago. Kills me because I put in a lot of effort. Was gonna be a renovation loan and I had the jobs all lined up already.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
I understand. I have a foreclosed place that I have worked on and have a fair amount of equity in. Hard to do, but may make a better tradition in case of worst happening. Very hard to sell though too, last piece of our togetherness, and feels like I am giving up, and moving on. Hopefully will help with that, and finally be able to say, I can make it on my own period. I don't need anyone, but would sure love it to be her. And from reading you thread, I also agree with not being able to just out it on a shelf and box it away. At least not yet, nor dating another. Would make me sick.
I need some more advice on something. I having lots of guilt and shame issues. I am ashamed of what I did for my part of the S, and feel very guilty for causing her so much pain and suffering. One part of why I can't detach, I think I still am trying to fix what I did.
Has anyone else dealt with this, found a way to make it th where you can live with what you did. I see some stuff posted here and there, but mostly just just GAl stuff, which is good. It might take a bit more for these fillings to go away though. Just wondering if there are others with the same or similar issues.
We're all human and forgiveness if difficult. I read 5 books and well a few of them helped a lot. Google "forgiving self and spouse" and you'll get lots. Go to Amazon.com and you'll find great deals with used books/CD's etc. It really helped me and I discovered it was easier to forgive my S than myself. Believe me each one of us have our own reasons, and I'm sure you do too. You need to discover what your reason is and forgive yourself. If you don't you'll be stuck and won't be able to be the S you should be.
