Nothing much to report today. H texted last night to see how we're doing on the other side of the world. We were at a kid activity so I let him know that and just answered "just fine" to his questions if we were OK. He sent a second one asking specifically how I was and apologizing for not reaching out to me while he's been gone. I answered I'm fine, thank you. He gave me a little bit of info about his travel schedule and I said OK. After a few minutes I added "travel safely" and he answered OK and that was it.
Checking the finances this morning, as I've been doing daily since I decided to contact the attorney, and I'm SO depressed to see the way the money is just draining away. Quite a lot of it is reimbursable travel, but there is a stupidly large amount attributable to the separation. Part of the point of moving away from the west coast was to improve our financial situation and that entire goal has been obliterated by the fact that he didn't want to address our marriage problems honestly with me instead of making decisions that ensured we'd just blow through cash like it was nothing. It makes me sick to my stomach.
I'll see him Thursday morning and then not at all for 10-12 days. While I'm gone on vacation with the kids he'll be moving out of our house and into his blasted apartment. That week he'll spend even more money furnishing the place. Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out how to save my pennies (thank you whoever recommended the blog Mr. Money Mustache).
I don't know when the attorney will be done drafting the separation agreement. I don't know how we're going to present it to H. I don't know if he'll just sign it or if this will turn into a dragged-out affair. I don't know how long it will take to implement it. Until then watching the money drain out will be very frustrating to me.
Sigh.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
So sorry to hear what your going through. Mine is similar in that, he just got a new place, had to furnish it Etc. I look at the finances and just cry. I think we will be okay, but we have 3 teens. We won't be able to help with college. Or do any extras. I feel drained, and don't even see H as the same person anymore. My H travels for work also, so there is money spent there all the time upfront.
Me-41 H-41 M-20 S-19 D-17 S-15 Bomb-3-17-2014 Left 5-25-2014
It may turn out to be money well spent. I know it's hard to see that right now but you just never know.
Your mother and my mother, although different generations, seem to have had very similar parenting styles. I can now see that for what it was, her attempt to make everything be OK, so she looked OK. Her children were an extension of her, any wrongdoing on our part was seen as a personal attack on her. She had a very fragile self-esteem and she passed that along.
I finally realized I had different choices and I dabbled in working on that through the years but fear held me back. It's said that it takes a breakdown/crisis to have an awakening. It certainly did for me.
Some authors that have helped me make sense of all this, Pema Chodron, Tara Brach, Brene Brown, Harriet Lerner, David Richo.
Keep moving forward, only look back to see how far you've come.
Last edited by labug; 06/17/1404:52 PM.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I can tell you I have had the same fears you are both expressing.My recommendation is to get your finances separated from your spouse if you can. When my wife left, I struggled for a bit. I set up a new account with a bank that has great ebanking. I then made a simple spread sheet in excel which had the expected bills to be paid per check. I had a sheet for each check so I did not overwhelm myself. I then list what has been spent and when it has cleared with a rolling balance. It has kept me from being overwhelmed by the unknown. I know exactly what I have to spend and make good decisions. My wife did not do this or and ran unknown on her expenses and way over spent. She has now had a breakdown and has a lot of trouble to resolve.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Today was tougher than I expected. H will be in town again in about an hour; I'll see him early tomorrow morning till lunch time. It appears he's going dark on me too. I'm sad. Wishing for a friendlier relationship at least.
I am the problem here. Mostly. I am happy to not contact him. I see no purpose to it. But I haven't figured out the light tone & smile yet. I plan to head out for a run as soon as I can after he arrives, get a shower and run some errands after.
He may ask me to have lunch out with him & the kids, and he has already asked for a tour of the kitchen so I can tell him what I don't mind him taking. I really don't want to have lunch with him but don't have other plans. I already gave him a written list of what he can have from the kitchen and told him I didn't care -- it's just stuff.
He may actually WANT to see me for lunch... His 40th birthday is the day after tomorrow but he's leaving tomorrow after lunch to go to a music festival. I don't know how to behave around him or the right things to do.
I was doing so well and now I just hate that I'm here.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I personally wouldnt go. Im sure others will argue and say that you should. I would come up with something else to do during that time.
I was doing so well and now I just hate that I'm here.
This is what they do. Im sure we all go through that. Right now I feel like Im fine but she could come talk to me tonight and ruin a weeks worth of progress for me in 10 minutes.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I think it can be really empowering to force yourself to detach and go for lunch with the mindset of "I am totally awesome-- self-reflective and growing in a positive way. He sux and wait, did I mention how awesome I am? I am going to show him, my kids, and the rest of the world how strong I am. And then, later, when he is gone, I will have a good cry if I need to. Or treat myself to a manicure because I am so awesome."
I went on a vacation with my H and his family. Let's just say that I wasn't the happiest person at the happiest place on earth, but I put on a brave face for myself as much as for my daughter and everyone else, and let myself feel however I needed to feel in private. (That involved escaping to the ladies room to have a good cry a couple of times during dinner, if you must know the truth!)
25yrsmlc tells a good story of vacationing with her WAH, worth looking for, similar to what Claire said. Gives you a purpose for going and for keeping your head about it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Im just wondering what good could come out of going to lunch with him. Best case scenario is that he wants to go to lunch with you. IF that is the case, then it would have an even bigger impact to not go. It would be you pulling back a little further from him. Showing him that you arent going to do everything he wants unless you all are together. And then you can look at the other side of it. If you go, then you will more than likely break down at some point during the lunch and have to excuse yourself as stated by claire. I dont know about you but I dont want to break down at all. I would save myself the hurt feelings and not even worry about it.
Last edited by Ben2010; 06/19/1412:54 AM.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Im just wondering what good could come out of going to lunch with him. Best case scenario is that he wants to go to lunch with you. IF that is the case, then it would have an even bigger impact to not go. It would be you pulling back a little further from him. Showing him that you arent going to do everything he wants unless you all are together.
Yes, it's possible that he would think that. He might also think that it means that Maybell is struggling, having trouble moving on or changing, and why would he bother even considering reconciling if nothing has changed. She doesn't see him often.
If you feel like you could handle it, Maybell, this could be a chance to show how strong and confident you are/have become. Keep your mind busy and in a happy place-- don't look wistfully at him or the kids leading you to sadness. Stay right in the moment, don't look backwards or forwards. Focus on the joy it will bring your kids to have a mom and dad who can share a friendly meal together even if they are not together. Focus on the delicious food. And if you feel tears coming on, quickly and gracefully excuse yourself. Then, head to the bathroom, look yourself in the mirror and repeat your mantra. (If you don't have one, may I suggest, "I am awesome. I am AWEsome. I AM TOTALLY AWESOME." And come back with a confident smile.
Not trying to push you into something you don't feel ready for, but I honestly don't think that rejecting him would make him pine for you. But what the hell do I know?
