Great news Thorn! Try not to stress too much about the R process and let your stress interfere. Go with what feels natural and try not to be too scripted. The more open and honest communication the better off you both will be!
Keep us posted!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Had another convo with WAW, she called me on her way home. Hopefully I can provide some insight for all of you.
She was struggling just as much as I was! All the times I thought she was out living it up (I was convinced), she was having a terrible time. She said she cried all the time and missed me terribly. She just couldn't figure out how to fix things. She said she was hoping I would chase her. I told her I didn't because I wanted to respect her wish to separate from me.
Don't chase them guys and gals! Do not chase them! Just like the book says, no pursuit.
Now comes the hard part, trying to rebuild a completely new relationship. I have no intentions of going anywhere, without DB and this board, I would have been toast.
There were so many days I didn't think I could do this anymore. I couldn't take the pain. I was ready to throw in the towel. That's exactly when she started coming around. It's like they can feel it in the air that the WAS is beginning to let go.
SHe is just as cautious as I am. We're both scared. Slow slow slow super slowwwwww.
She seems to be the pursuer now. She is asking all kinds of questions and I can feel her smiling on the phone when she calls me. Good feeling? Yes! But I also know about premature reconciliation. Slow slow slow..
Slow, slow, slow is right. You have lots of work ahead of you. Things aren't magically fixed. I can tell you from personal experience that there's a honeymoon phase to reconciliation and then, because we're creatures of habit, we can easily fall back into the old relationship. In the blink of an eye.
But enjoy the heck out of the now.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thornton: "She was struggling just as much as I was! All the times I thought she was out living it up (I was convinced), she was having a terrible time. She said she cried all the time and missed me terribly. She just couldn't figure out how to fix things. She said she was hoping I would chase her. I told her I didn't because I wanted to respect her wish to separate from me. "
Thorn, I think what your W said is true. I'm starting to see the cracks appear in my H's veneer... he's not as fabulously happy in his "new life" as I thought he would be. He's finally said a few things to cement that as fact. I know he's really not doing much in the way of "fun and exciting" at all, and I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't thrown him out, he'd still be here. But nothing would have changed, so this is a necessary step, an opportunity for us both to figure things out.
"Don't chase them guys and gals! Do not chase them! Just like the book says, no pursuit."
That's RIGHT! I *think* my H would feel better if I was pursuing or offering to take him back. It would mean he could waltz back in and pick up right where he left off without dealing with any of the stuff that got us here in the first place.
That's not going to happen. I have a line in the sand (in my mind) and when the time comes, there is no crossing it.
H has done me a favor in a way. He's made it so things HAVE TO CHANGE. That change has begun with me, but it will finish with him either deciding to change, or staying the same.
More of the same behavior from him will not build a foundation for a new and improved marriage and I will not welcome him back until I see some stones being set solidly in place.
Congrats to you Thornton!
DBing champ that you are!
--GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I'm so happy for you Thornton, you did it right. I'm so jealous that my outcome did not turn out like yours. Your outcome is really what we're all here for aside from finding and working on ourselves again. You get a look inside the WAW mind, and it turns out it's what we perceive it to be. All those times we are awfulizing because we think they're having a great time without us, turns out it's not the case. I hope you can work on your new relationship and things go well moving forward!
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Yes, yes, yes. Super stuff Thornton. Keep up the gd work. I'm rooting for u!!!
M 35 W 31 D 10 Married 3 years Together 11 Single since Nov 13 Moved out Dec 13 ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more' OM confirmed Jun 14
Thats awesome Thorn, Im just now catching up on your sitch man. Congrats buddy! Looks like you did it just right man. She really had you going for a bit but you stuck with it and it paid off for you. I cant wait to hear more updates. As you said slow and dont seem too eager. Im glad you got the insight on how they deal with the whole thing too. I also have myself convinced that she is out living it up (i use the same words lol). I did get a call from her Grandmother over the weekend who says that she came in to church crying on Sunday and that she always looks around to see if Im there or not. I didnt think she did that either. So there is another point to that argument. They arent as happy as we would like to believe. That should give us all hope. If we knew that from the beginning then it would have been so much more motivation. No matter what they say or how mean they get, they are still thinking about us. They just have their guard up and dont want to show that they miss us at all. All I can say Thorn is "You da man." Keep it up man. Dont leave us hanging with the outcome here.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
I desperately need help. My W of 15 years called it quits 3 months ago. I was at fault due to my emotional abuse which I wasn't even aware. Since then I've been going to counseling and have identified what I need to do. My W then became Emotionally distant. I found out she was having an EA with someone from her work. I tried to talk her into going to MC be she refused saying she was done. A few weeks later I moved out to a neighbor's house where I've been for the last 3 weeks. I recently found out her EA turned into a PA which tore me apart. I read DB and have been using LRT to no avail. I was served D papers last night. She says she is not leaving me for the OP. I don't know if I believe her. She said that she hasn't seen any change in me in the last 3 weeks that would change her mind. 3 WEEKS? I'm supposed to be able to change in 3 weeks? I discussed it with her last night and said that was not a reasonable time period. I suggested we go another 1 or 2 months to see where we our. She seemed to be somewhat receptive. My worries are she is so distant that she is building that with the OP. She has told me that when she makes up her mind, that's it. I'm doing everything I can to save my family, 2 boys 6 & 8.
