Hey Lisa sorry. You're having a hard time (me too), but I think there's loads of positives in what you've said. The fact that he listened to you and he admitted he's not happy can only be good for your R? I'm no expert but it sounds to me as if there's a good chance you'll come through this together and be stronger.
Don't be so hard on yourself. And thanks for the letting go post.
Stacey x
Me - 44 Husband - 47 D20, S18 BD - Aug 2013 Moved out - Jan 2014 OW discovered Jan 2014
Thanks Stacey! Sorry to hear you are having a hard time. And thanks for seeing the positives in my situation.
I had sent H a short friendly text message yesterday lightly apologizing for being a bit crazy angry. I never text him first but I thought I would show that although I got upset I can let it go. He is not responding. Probably that is a bad sign but time will tell more. I am hoping he was able to hear what I had to say and didn't just summarize it as "that crazy lady screamed at me, I'm so glad I am getting rid of her".
Hope everyone is having a good day. Hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Just a follow up to say I sent the text, he has not replied, but I will not be pursuing any more no matter what. I feel I have to go back to square one DB and start again no contact, GAL, 180s... It was possibly working before maybe it will work again. Maybe I f-ed up royally or maybe it will work again, who knows.
He's officially moving into his new house today. Maybe that will bring him happy feelings, maybe sad. Maybe both.
Hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
It sounds like your H was testing the waters with you when he started the friendly texting, etc. after your first meeting. My W did the same. Whether it was testing the waters to see if you were still available to him, or just generally curious as to what has been going on, there is no way to tell. All that matters is that he STILL cared enough to care what you were doing. So that is a good thing.
Yea you might have spooked him, but there is nothing to say he was not going to retreat soon anyways. My W kinda did as well, even though we did not have a fight or argument. Well, we DO have the issue of where the kids are going to be living for school, so that does put a damper. But back to you, I would lay off the questions about OW. Even the mutual friends. Because you cannot know what his real intentions are. Perhaps he is just lonely and wants a familiar voice/face to talk to. Maybe he is looking for an ego boost and is just looking for an old fling he knows will prop him up emotionally. I am guilty of that in my past numerous times when I was at the end of a relationship. All with women I knew would be dead ends.
You are not in an all that terrible position. He is still around, and even if you do end up in the friend zone, it might just be a stepping stone to R.
Keep up the good work.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
You are 100% right, he is checking in with every woman he knows to get some ego boost and a little friendship too. He is also dating online. He is very lonely. It just irritates me that he has to check in with all these women when he wouldn't be lonely if he was with me! Argh! I know, I know.
After our big blow up I feel like I got my anger off my chest. That is good for me. But now I guess he is scared away, at least for now. And I have no idea how to get him unscared except to ignore him. Kinda hard to ignore someone who is also ignoring you haha.
Thanks again for your supportive words pilot. Have a good weekend! Hugs, LisaB
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Lisa, I think that online dating he says he is doing will ultimately help you. I say that because he is going to be comparing every person he looks at to you. And it will be hard for a stranger to measure up. He will go through a ton of rejection as well. His experience will remind him that single life is not going to be a cup of tea. Remember, he is a guy. He is going to have a much harder time at it than a single girl in a bar or online.
Keep the faith
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Thanks pilot. He already stated that I am "not easy to replace". His comment irritated me because I don't see why he is trying to replace me when I am right here!? But thank you for your insight. I just hope I didn't scare him away permanently with my dramatics. Only time will tell I suppose. Hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
I had hoped to speak with the WAH today as he was coming to get his last things from the house. He is moving to a new apartment. However, he was not able to come by.
Originally I had planned to be out when he got his stuff, I even had a date! But after our disastrous conversation and his subsequent ignoring me, I thought I needed to see him to show him that I have returned to the calm person he prefers. Like I said above, ignoring someone who is ignoring you is pretty pointless.
I had been planning help load his boxes into the car while calmly apologizing for my emotional rant and telling him that I had accepted the situation and was letting go and moving on. Since I couldn't tell him in person I thought about it and decided to send a short Dobson letter.
So I did, over email. We shall see what effect it has, if any. The letter basically explained that I needed to get some anger and confusion off my chest and now I can let it go. And that I understand that he was dissatisfied with the relationship and needs to find his happiness. It was rather short.
I think I needed an intermediate step to backtrack on the drama of the other day and return to NC, 180, GAL etc which I will now do like mad.
I don't expect to hear a reply from him and I guess I don't really care. Possibly I will get a cold and distant one. But a reply is not at all my goal. It is more about re-establishing my own independence, confidence and calmness. The letter stated that I am doing that, and my next step is to actually DO IT.
Most likely the letter will be seen as just another annoying pursuit by me, but once I follow it with NC it will have more significance.
I feel good about this letter, it is actually giving me a small feeling of control of myself and the situation. I do need to detach. Wish me luck with the NC!
Hugs to all, LisaB
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Now you have to follow your words with actions. Personally, I would not have sent the letter, but I understand why you did. Main reason I would not have is it takes away some of the 'mystery' as to why you went NC and what you are doing while NC. And that mystery is an important factor in the NC having an affect on your WAS. But, no rule is set in stone, so best of luck with it!!!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Lisa Dear, my thoughts have always been with you and I am happy that you are finding your strength. The things you've done and said recently to your H is done. Wether they are right or wrong no one knows, but you needed to do it and that is that. There's always a chance he'll bounce back, but that hope you should not cling onto and let it run your life now. Just let it be and detach. Like you said, it's time for you to do like mad nc, 180, gal etc... You've found your plan and path towards happiness now...for yourself. You should realize how far you've come in this journey. You have your dignity. I am happy for you. Stay your course.
