Hello. I was here about 4 yrs ago. With a H who dropped the bomb on me left our entire family, no contact with kids, and lived with OW for 8 months. We R did a lot of work (maybe not enought though) and he has been home for almost 3 years now. Drinking and depression seemed to be a huge factor in my H leaving. It is his way of coping. He still continued to drink after returning home but just small and what seemed controlled amounts. I did a lot of GAL, DB'd my butt off. I do know I have slid back into some of my old ways..(GAL)I am not perfect. BUT, I am now just this last month maybe - am seeing old "signs" and "habits" of my H returning. Indidcating to me he might be thinking of leaving again. Or, that something is going on anyway. He is drinking more, coming home late,and not letting me know of his whereabouts. He gets mad if I ask too much. He has lost weight, etc, etc, Been down this road before. I wouldn't be surprised if he tells me hes moving out?? Anyway, my dilemma is I am not sure I want to make it work this time! It sounds awful I suppose. I don't want to be divorced but I don't want to go through this again with him. Really, why should I? He is not the best example of an H and a dad to my children when he is doing these things. And I feel like forgave and moved on once but I don't think he needs another chance. Why would I want to be a person who is going to do this again?? Is this wrong? What kind of person puts there family through that, gets their family back and is so happy and then does it again??!!!!! That is my dilemma. I know from everything I learned last time that I need to GAL more..to at least keep my mind off of everything. I do love him, I don't want to be divorced but I am tired, I thought we were through this. Feedback please....anyone? 25yearsmlc? Thanks.
Have you read the Five Love Languages? If you have but it's been a while, read it again. Sounds like your love tank is on empty and you're waiting for your H to fill it again. But if you want him to fill yours, you need to quit waiting and start filling his first. Also based on what you're saying it sounds to me like you've got nothing to lose since you're checking out anyway, so tell him how you feel. Tell him what you stated here. Suggest to him that you attend Retrouvaille. If you haven't been before it's really amazing, it revolutionizes communication between spouses. It's not much help when one is a full-blown WAS, but in your sitch where things are bad but there's no WAS yet it can really work miracles. Good luck!
Thank you AnotherStander- I just don't know what to do. I feel like I am always the working on the R. Maybe that's women in general? BUT, He is the one who originally gave it all up for some tramp and later realized it wasn't what he hoped it would be. I just don't know I want to go through it all again. I DO know now its nothing I have done. As far as I am concerned I am still healing fromt he original A. Thoughts??? Am I wrong?
We went to marriage retreats and bible studies. I really believe after re-reading some of the info on here I believe He is in a MID LIFE CRISIS AGAIN!!!!!!!
Could this be?? Its been 3 years...its almost textbook.
Could someone PLEASE help me....or give me input...I am almost sure he is starting or having another A. I caught him at the bar where it all started 4 years ago and the women works...he promised never to go again. He was there. I went in and he wouldn't even look at me....She was working and he was with a group of people and he didn't even acknowledge I was there. I am so hurt. 23 years of marriage and a promise to never do it again. His ring was off...tried to hide that it was... He didn't come home that night...but did the next night and acted like nothing happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He did apologize and that was it. I asked what his intention was for our M...he said to stay married. I have an appt in a few weeks with an attorney...I told him that..time to make some hard decisions. I DON"T want to be D....but I don't want to go through this again. What do I do? Please reply... Shall I go dark?
Hi LJGH2, I am sorry that you find yourself facing this kind of cr*p again. It's hard enough to go thru this once, but you are in rarified air going thru this a second time. I recommend taking some time to deal with this. There is nothing urgent in what you have told us so far, so take some time to see what you really want to do.
Were there any other times H cheated before his craziness 4 years ago? I am trying to find out if he is a serial adulterer, or is there someone deep down who is worth the effort?
thank you for the reply There were no other A's that I know of before....he was never that "kind of guy" in my eyes. I also believe he is an alcoholic. He would say no... but he seems to make terrible decisions when he drinks and usually drinks till hes drunk I dont know where to start with the D
I have not read the all of your threads, but I notice one post in "Piecing" that was like a year to date you registered. I have pasted it below.
Quote:
HELP! PLease!! I need some support, advice or encouragement. I feel I have no one else to ask. Things have been going quite well here at our house. Everyday I still decide I have to forgive. IT is coming easier to me. Anyway, I went out to lunch with a gfriend the other day. SHe proceeded to tell me things about my H before he came home and how it all went down. Of course, much of it did not line up with what H told me and how it came about that he decided to come home. Also, some of the info she gave me hurt obviously but also gave some kind of window into their relationship that he didn't portray to me. This is hard. In my mind I am sure I have tried to make sense out of their R (OW)and believing some things are just my way of coping with it. Well, I asked H about what she told me. He heard me out and denied it all. Said his truth has not changed. If I push at all he gets very mad at me. Please remember this is all Before he came home. But, yet I feel like -did he lie from the minute he walked back into our door?? He said how is relevant to now anyway. He thinks it shouldn't matter. I don't like his anger. It doesn't seem justified in my mind. I am not worried about him seeing OW. But, man, did this open some old wounds. Ouch. HElp please. I need help sorting this out. There is a voice in my head saying - would it have been easier to have gotten D? That is not what I want but I don't feel very loved right now.
I read some posts after this and he was displaying behavior that caused you feel he was lying about a bank statement and he would not show it you.
Then your recent posts of his behavior and returning to the bar. Does you H attend AA meetings?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
