WAW - no contact, now refuses therapy, file?

[AWAW]

I'm guilt of Mr Nice Guy. Working on that, probably wouldn't be in this sitch had I known ahead of time.

WAW walked out 5 weeks ago. I said this was not mutual and didn't agree with it but she insisted. I asked for at least a controlled S with boundaries but she refused and said unknown amount of time with no rules except neither of us should date. Have since caught her with a guy/guys ("friends") a couple times and she has told me expanding her social circle is a priority over our marriage. That she wants to have fun. Basically throwing in the towel and going to party while have a H on the backburner #cake eating

I made the common mistake of going ballistic, exposing, accusing, pleading and pushed her further away. There has not been any effort on her part to reconcile over the last 5 weeks. In our last therapy session I told her I had no trust due to the walk out itself, hanging out with guys (bars, venues, her new house), and her lack of communication over the past month. She blew up that I didn't trust her saying she deserved it since she has been trustworthy for 7 years. I laughed and said trust isn't a lifetime membership card and you have to earn it. Walking out on a marriage and hanging out with guys during a sensitive time like an S does not earn trust.

So after 5 weeks she has not contacted me with any signs of getting back together or even meeting to talk about the relationship. Total chaotic one way separation. She's totally checked out and has admitted to bring that way for many months.

I believe she is in the Fog right now but she denies any EA is going on, but she has repeatedly given me the ILYBINILWY and said she's not attracted to me anymore.

Since finding all this info like DB and TAM I have hit the gym hard, gone to IC, read NMMNG and now MMSLP.

All signs point to WAW having EA but I don't need hard evidence, the fact she's just walked makes me question her as a good partner going forward (she did this when we were dating 5 years ago too). She is a runner and not sure I deserve that since I am committed to sticking it out learning, and being better because of it. But it takes two.

She has said she is not sure if wants to work things out, and doesn't know how long this S is for (cake eating) but has not contacted me. She doesn't want any more MC. I have done the 180 for about 2 weeks now and NC period for one week.

Family telling me to file and begin to move on,which I've already been doing. Just don't know if I should file now, wait a little longer, or let her do it and just focus on me.

Either way it is the worst feeling having a WAW, especially one that you love deeply, and I feel for y'all going thru the same thing. But I've recently learned I need to watch out for me,own the 50% I contributed in the marriage problems and learn from them but I have absolutely no control over a WAW and need to move on.

Ready to file, any thoughts?

Thanks

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[igit]

Awaw, you came to the rt place to get some insight to what is going on with your wife. Read as much as you can. There are many stories here that are almost the same as yours. Follow some threads that sound like yours and learn what worked for them. You are early on in this. 5 wks is nothing. I have been going through this since Feb. Still dealing with waw but have grown so much through all of this. Dig deep and hold on for a roller coaster ride. Post short and often. Hang tuff!

[pilot]

Awaw, yea, igit is right. You are early in this. Luckily you found this place early on. You can definitely undo some of the harm done by your early reactions. Really work on the 180s and your PMA. Those 2 things will be noticed and make her wonder. Do not be so quick to label her a runner. Remember, as hurt as you are now, she has probably been hurting for a long time as well.

I would NOT file. I am guessing you REALLY do not want a divorce, so why work towards it? Yea, she might be cake eating, and yea, she might be having an A. Its a harsh reality you will have to accept for a bit. Your best course of action is to absolutely let her do her own thing, and do not get in the way. GAL is a great way to help you cope with what is going on and keep your mind off of what your W is doing 24/7. I would definitely go NC/LRT right away.

I really see a lot of my situation early on in yours. I hope you avoid some of the mistakes I made!

Keep your chin up and keep posting. You will find a lot of support here. And read other people's threads. They will help you understand what your W is going through and what to expect. These things almost always play out the same.

[AWAW]

Thanks, it is remarkable how similar each situation is. The patterns are set in stone.

Pilot, I have been following your posts and they've been helpful, you've been through a lot! Much respect for dealing with it and sharing. Let me ask you, if you could do it all over, after all the crap you've been through, would you have filed sooner instead of going through this for a year of your life?

In my situation, like many others, the signs were there. We were awesome partners and lovers but the stress of life took its toll and we neglected each others needs and the downward spiral began. Resentment is like carbon-monoxide, it secretly seeps into a relationship and kills it!

The only difference is I agreed to go to MC and she already checked out. We wasted 5 months of me really trying and she was still going further way. She has since said and done things that will be almost impossible to recover from. And, considering I'm still young and no kids, it might be best to start over even though that totally [censored]. Both our MC and my IC have said we had normal marriage issues that could have been resolved with work from both of us but since she has stopped going to MC and has walked away they said the issue is with her and there's a high likelihood of her doing this throughout her life when the going gets tough. I don't ever want to feel like this again. I stuck to my commitement of marriage while she did not, now I feel like shes forcing my hand which I think I now need for my own sanity and restoration of self-respect. I'm not a chump or doormat.

[AWAW]

FWIW, the NC appears to have worked. After 2 weeks she finally asked if we should meet for lunch to "discuss things". I didn't respond for a day and she pinged me again. I said I had plans but could meet for coffee. She did not respond. This is another example of her checking to see if I'm still on her hook.

6 weeks and not a single "how are you", "miss you", "lets catch up". Who does that? My wife. And now she's just checking in to see if I'm still available.

The next day she sent a request for money. Ironic, because when the email came in I was on the phone with my attorney.

W doesn't realize where I'm at. If we do meet this weekend I will find it very hard to listen and validate as you can imagine, instead I want to confidently show her I am done and moving on.

[AWAW]

I can say without a doubt to anyone newly in this WAW situation absolutely do not pursue, plead, beg, or even get angry. Hold it together and keep your cool.

Going NC provided results. WW asked to meet, so we did at a time of my choosing, her jaw dropped when she saw how fit I've become by hitting the gym. We talked for over 4 hours and she was definitely attracted. We met up 2 days later and had dinner then hooked up 3 times.

So, now things have really shifted and not in any rush to think this is fixed. She's agreed to go back to MC and was talking about the future (doing this or that for me/together). Our M is a total scrap heap right now but I was just days from filing for D and a little patience and GAL paid off. Roller coaster indeed. This will be a wild ride.

Absolutely take care of yourself as quickly as possible when you find yourself in a WAS situation.

[Shakspr]

Tread carefully. Hang on to your hard-fought changes for YOU. Now that you know how to communicate better, use it. And read and re-read LRT and piecing in DR. YOU ARE NOT OUT OF THE WOODS YET!

But you have found the path leading out.

Good luck!

[AWAW]

We met again a few days later, had dinner, and I had poor PMA which she commented on. Still, we went back to the house, lightened up, and hooked up. This all seemed promising but we both left town the next day and there has been hardly any contact (a couple short texts) for the past week.

I think I'm getting played. Where she felt my NC and 180 moving on without her and now she brought me back with sex just to see if I was still on the string.

Thoughts?

[Ahoy]

Is she the one initiating the hook ups?
Is she seeing someone else? If so, I'd stop that to avoid getting an STD personally. If not (and if you're really sure about that), maybe try just to have fun with it and not read anything into it. I hooked up with my WAH once and it filled me with hope. Guess what? He took off his ring two days later and left town? Then, later, we hooked up again (both his doing), and guess what? I didn't feel a thing for him. Had to fake it for the first time in 15 years. It was disappointing but also empowering. I'll not be missing that anytime soon, and he will have to have an STD test before I welcome him back (if that even happens).
So if you still enjoy it and avoid letting it lead to emotional attachment and expectations on your part, then go ahead. If not, maybe make that one of your boundaries.