Wife decided to leave

[BC39]

Last thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2470966&page=1

Hi All,

So my W decided to leave our house.

I'm having a hard time excepting her reason for leaving. She feels I wasn't emotionally there for her enough pre BD 3 years ago.

Since then I did a complete 180, she's said repeatedly that she loves me and that I'm an amazing husband and father etc etc, but she still can't get her feelings back.

Although her reason is PARTIALLY true it seems like such a weak reason to leave a marriage with two young kids. It goes against everything my wife of the past would think.

She's leaving our big beautiful house and neighbourhood to go live in her sisters basement apartment. She doesn't have a job and has no money.

Apparently there's no OM. (But she did have EA 3 years and I think she's lying when she says she's not chasing that feeling)

She's asking me to top up the mortgage so I can pay her her equity.

I guess WAW don't make sense a lot of the time. Its hard to make sense of nonsense. It going to take me a very long time to come to terms with that.

[Starsky309]

No way there's no OM. She either has one, or is in active pursuit of one.

Still, there's not much you can do to stand in her way, BC. If she does have serial wanderlust, all you can do is work on yourself and then when someday she decides you does want you, you'll have to decide if you still want HER.

Starsky

[igit]

BC 39, Starsky is rt. there is no way she doesn't have other m or looking for one. been there done that! It hurts I know more than you can imagine. you feel like your whole life is turned upside down. Read everything you can about Affairs, this board anything you can get your hands on. Its tuff but you can do this if you listen and follow people like Starsky advice. I been dealing with this for 8 months and its hard but you can do it.

[BC39]

Thanks guys,

I hear ya. If you told my story to 100 people, 99 would say there must be an OM.

She wants to have lunch tomorrow to discuss separation etc. Should I continue to validate (which I've done for a while) or let her know what I REALLY think?

[pilot]

Validate. Letting her know what you really think will only push her farther away, and closer to OM...or make a possible OM more likely.

Remember, before you do anything in the future, ask yourself, does this help me reach my goal?

[igit]

see above

[igit]

Starsky- can you catch up on my thread. Craziness happening!
Thank you
igit

[Starsky309]

Thanks guys,

I hear ya. If you told my story to 100 people, 99 would say there must be an OM.

She wants to have lunch tomorrow to discuss separation etc. Should I continue to validate (which I've done for a while) or let her know what I REALLY think?

Validate, listen, don't make any decisions. The fine art of "Hmmm, I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'll have to think about that, and get back to you."

Two ears, one mouth.


Starsky

[BC39]

Okay will do, thanks so much.

I just contacted the wife of OM my W had EA with 3 years ago. She said she doesn't believe anything is going.

And I really don't think there's anyone new. I do believe its wanderlust. She has showed MANY signs of it. Re-writing our history, we never had "it", talked about soulmates etc etc

Again, my wife of of the first 9 years of our marriage would be shaking her head at these things.

I will really need to educate myself on acceptance, as I do not do well with that.

Thanks so much for the tips on tomorrows convo, I will report back.

Starsky I've read all of your stuff over the last 2 years, its very much appreciated to have you here

[BC39]

We had our lunch. I'll try my best to summarize.

The mood was good.

I started with asking her what she wanted, what she was hoping for etc..

She is hoping for her equity. Right now she's living at her sisters and has no job. She's planning on staying there for the next month or so and finding a job. Then look for something to rent. That's the extent of her current plan.

She asked me what I thought of our current situation.

I told her I was worried about her.

She said she was worried about herself. (she's been struggling with depression and confusion and just started going to therapy)

I said my instinct is to want to help her and be there for her etc but I need to let her take her own journey, and that I won't stand in her way.

We talked about what plans would put the least burden on our kids etc

She broke down. She said she appreciates me for how I've handled this situation and that most men would have cut and run a long time ago etc.

She said she doesn't want to rush me into anything (equity) or anything that is going to make me uncomfortable, and if so to let her know how I feel.

The "heavy" part of the convo ended and we spent the next 20 minutes shooting the sh!t and laughing (as we always do). (I just don't get how she doesn't see our connection.)

It seems she literally just wants to be by herself for a while to figure herself out. I'm sure at this point she at least fantasising what her perfect man is, but she's smart enough to know that doesn't exist. (we didn't get into it in this conversation, but one of her biggest problems is that she's lost the "intimacy" feeling for me)