I just went back and spent a great amount of time re-reading thread after thread about my situation from 4 years ago. 25yrsmlc spent a lot of time commenting on my posts. I can see where I did not listen. There were things I did right did but I see now my greatest mistake... I let H come home without doing HIS work first. I worked a lot on myself while my H was living with OW for 8 months...bible studies, counseling, GAL, etc. H really came back suddenly after mentioning many times he was miserable and unhappy living with OW. I think I may have been so happy i didn't want to wreck anything by demanding too much.
We went to addiction bible study group and church. That was it. He would not go to counseling I or Couple. He thinks counseling is a joke. Would also not address his issues with drinking...even at my request. I prayed and prayed this would work out.
There was much remorse on H's part along with several apologies and being transparent. We spent a lot of time in discussions and went to 3 marriage weekends.
Things have been good...not easy but good. There have been times H would come home and I would notice he had been drinking and probably lying about where he was. We would talk the next day and I would explain why this was a trigger for me and remind of all the nights I waited for him to come home and he wouldn't etc.
Anyway...about a month ago..H started coming late and smelling like alcohol more often then not. Then a few nights of not coming home at all. Finally, I had to see for myself.... there he was back at the bar where it all began...
He was there drinking/drunk and OW was working...he would not even look at me as I tapped him on the shoulder. I finally left because I was so embarressed and humiliated.
That night he didn't come home...but the next day he does says he sorry and goes to bed. WOW! Thats all I got.
I asked the next day if he was in contact with OW... he claims no.
Fast forward two weeks I get a hold of his phone and YES he has had contact with her. I confront-he denies and I AM DONE!
I really cant go through this again. the lies, the drinking and the OW.
I really don't want to D but he once again says HE doens't want to get divorced, wants his life back. I asked what are you willing to do this time...He said he would rather gouge his eyes out than go to counseling...so I guess I am done.
I don't know how this could ever improve without it. He does not want to know the reason why he did it...he even says he doesn't know. ( I know I already started another thread..sorry)
So, I am much stronger this time. I did the work.. Even after we R'd. I will be okay. I never wanted this though....i fought tooth and nail last time to save our marriage...now its his turn I believe.
I have little to offer you, what with newb status and mixed results thus far myself. But I do feel your pain and commend you for facing this reality head-on. And prepared this time.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
This certainly seems to be a decision point for you. With decisions to follow either way. Do the analysis - and execute your plan, whatever it is, to the very best of your ability.
Here's a funny one that seems to apply to your H (with all apologies to those with alcoholism, which is a very real, and tragic disease):
Life is hard. It's harder when you're stupid.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I can tell you first hand that 25 is so right in this regard. I did my work but maybe not enough. My W did no work at all. She was just as checked out as she was when we first separated.
For anyone new to these boards. There are two things that needs to happen for two separated spouses to come back together. First, enough time needs to pass. A cooling off of sorts. And there needs to be true detachment (in my case, we have two young kids so it was impossible to completely detach. In hindsight, I wish I would have detached more). Mine lasted a little over two months. It was too soon. Secondly, both work needs to be done and both need to be willing to make a full commitment back to the marriage. If not, it will fall apart pretty quickly. In my case, I think my wife tried for a couple of months, but I could sense her doubt plain as day. Which in turn frustrated me. Which led to tension. Which led to unhappiness.....you get the idea.
Time and work. Time and work. There is no set "time." But there needs to certainly be enough time for both to do the work.
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
Not everyone can save a M, and sometimes the people that come to these boards end up wanting to go through with a D.
My soon to be ex-W did cheat previously, and the new revelations are; cocaine use, living with one of her coworkers/"boyfriend?", lying about past events, stretching the truth, manipulating, etc...My ex did not even consider that she needs counseling and she made zero effort to improve our marriage.
Sometimes people need to not fall on their face, lose a spouse, a car, an apartment, insurance, a way of life and more before they even consider they are wrong.
But in all, this is your life and Time is Money. It is always your call if saving your marriage is worth the Time. Time is the one thing on this Earth we cannot buy, steal, or acquire more of. So choose carefully.
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
You set the goal and did the work. There is no playbook in life.As long as we have a clear mind , we make clear choices. After 56 years on this planet, I've never seen anything good come out of the bar scene.
ludicrous speed so we can go plaid. Some people have one of those days, I have one of those lives.
