Ah BA, men love to do things! If we see a need we sweep right in to fix it...well, some of us anyway. If we do things to make things right then we won't be rejected, right? I've been saviour in both my last relationships...at least in the last one I decided no more. It was just one sitch to another and I was running my butt off trying to make it all have a fairy tale ending...it did, but without me in the end In my marriage I ran my butt off too, trying to handle everything so that Voldy didn't have a nervous breakdown. That got me a divorce. Is she any happier without me? Nope. Like your Mom, it's her equilibrium, it's the way she knows how to be...it's comforting and secure when you live in what you know. I work with people all the time whose lives are a friggin' mess but want to do nothing about it...cuz doing something means change and we don't like change! Anyway, glad you got in touch with your issue and can now try and keep it in check with your new love...it'll crop up cuz these issues always do. Happy New Year.
Soooo, what's up, everyone? It's been a few weeks so I think it's time to check in here. It's a holiday and I'm at work. Please note I did not say I'm working. It's already lunch time, and I have done anything remotely resembling work here at the office.
January is half over. And it's been busy here in my world. D17 started her basketball at school for the Project Unify team. Please note I did not say "play basketball". That would imply a few things: 1) she's cognizant of why she's on the court; 2) she understands that moving the ball is the only goal in the game; 3) when she's on the court, hustling is a priority. She doesn't do any of the above. When it's her turn, Mr. Wonderful and I just shake our heads and kind of groan. We both shout out, "RUN!" Instead, she waves at us while holding the hand of a typical peer, and just meanders mid court--sometimes yawning and sometimes signing "all done" at the score keepers. I literally run along the bleachers, parallel to the court, to show her to run. Nope. Not gonna happen. BUT she loves it. The kids are awesome and for some reason, they like holding her hand in mid court. My favorite comment was Friday night when she was getting ready to take her turn. I looked over at Mr. W. and he said, "Oh God. They're putting her in. Just when they took the lead." LOL. A distinct difference between the athleticism of our two girls.
That keeps us occupied a few nights a week. And it's really fun. These kids have a way of making you feel happy just watching them. Where else can you pay $5 to feel that way?
Aside from the real life stuff--like walking D20 through putting a deposit on her townhouse for senior year; OR trading in my little RX-8 for a more practical mini van; OR project managing a big and lucrative project in southern California; OR re-hiring my much loved and appreciated cleaning people at home--I've been pretty damn busy. Mr. Wonderful and I have embarked on getting guardianship of D17, who turns 18 on March 3. This is not a job for sissies! On top of that, I'm getting trained to take over as her family caregiver. Basically, I'm going through CNA training. Holy cow. I really didn't need this right now, but since she's not moving her birthday any time soon, I gotta take my medicine.
I'm back to painting furniture to help my stress level. I really enjoy that. Right now, I'm working on a jewelry armoire. Oh, and rearranging the furniture in my house. And shopping like a fool because I'm sick of everything. I'm *so* happy D20 is moving into her own place next year... I'd feel bad replacing perfectly good stuff that I still like, but I'm doing it to help a poor, starving and unemployed kid. So I'm feeling better about myself every minute. Who says being self serving isn't pleasurable????
Now to my latest whine of the week. My BFF is on my ass to find my soul mate. Sigh. I told her last night that I don't want to date. I don't want to find a nice guy. But if one shows up at my door, I'll invite him in AND be nice. Until I change my mind, I'm choosing ME. I'm nice to me. I'm empathetic about everything that's going on in my life. And I make sure to tell me that this is all okay. Then my BFF says that by turning 18, my youngest effectively makes me an empty nester - even though she's not leaving my nest and I'm gonna be her caregiver. Sigh. Why can't they just go out and do what they say I should do and leave me alone? When I'm ready to seek out someone for myself, I will do it.
THIS time, I'm not avoiding something that I fear. I simply have no bandwidth for any other heavy lifting in my life, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I need to process my feelings about all the other stuff. Then you add the periodic bouts of grieving and you have yourself a fine mess. No. I'm just not going to do it because she thinks 10 years of being divorced is long enough for me. I just need to honor my feelings as I navigate these huge changes in my life. Is that so wrong?
(Hypothetical question. Because I *know* the answer. )
Anyway, I'm taking deep breaths and living through all of this stuff. Add another stressor to the mix: last week, D17 must have hit something at my office (she was coloring, crying out loud) and chipped her front tooth half off. We're going to the dentist tomorrow afternoon to evaluate the recommended course of action. Which, BTW, I don't have room in my schedule for. But I'm gonna have to create it. It will undoubtedly include a trip to Children's Hospital and anesthesia for my little special needs nightmare. Can you see me jumping up and down from excitement? Oh, I thought not. It's more or less along the lines of banging my head on my desk anyway...
Wii, I'm holding out for that fairy tale ending. I'm hoping that it 1) doesn't involve any participants in white, 2) doesn't have some bizarre twist or unforeseen consequence, and 3) doesn't have to involve any knights of any kind. But I take cash and anyone with mops and buckets...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey, you date when you want to date! Who gives a flying crap about officially being an "empty nester" or someone else's idea that you need that non-existent "soul mate". You date when you feel you have something to give and you want to give it! I've decided that I don't want to right now either. I've dated a couple of nice women but I'm just not there for it. The last one told me "It's important to know what you want because then you know what you have to offer" Wise woman. Anyway, a great life does not depend on someone else being in your life...but it's great to know you have that choice. Carry on!
Excellent post, WII! Exactly what I would have said if I got here first. Do what is right for YOU! If you don't want to date today but you do tomm. That's fine. Or never. That's fine too. It's YOUR life.
As for your ongoing caregiver stuff with your daughter - welcome to my life. Every day it's something. But I wouldn't trade being Ryan's mom for all the tea in China. We have been given special gifts. And with the struggles come the triumphs (but you know that). No one can truly appreciate our pain or our elation - they don't walk in our shoes.
I love hearing your stories about your daughter on the basketball court. Makes my heart smile. Because what I wouldn't give for Ryan to be able to do this! But he brings me joy in different ways. And I love him to the moon & back.
Are you taking Gineen's place in auto correct hell? Gotta tell you that I laughed out loud reading hits. For whatever reason, I think I'm disturbed that way.
Quote:
I love hearing your stories about your daughter on the basketball court. Makes my heart smile. Because what I wouldn't give for Ryan to be able to do this! But he brings me joy in different ways. And I love him to the moon & back.
I do love our kids too! They bring unexpected joy to the most mundane things. Things that we take for granted. You'll be happy to read that there are LOTS of non-verbal kiddos in wheel chairs on these teams. They have their typical peers roll them up and down the court and "help" them shoot the ball. They have trash cans at the end of each courts so that the wheel chair kids can make the baskets. It's hilarious and everyone has a good time. The best part? The fans in the stands are a mix of parents - both special and typical kids. And we cheer for everyone!
And thank you both for reaffirming my thoughts on the dating subject. I so totally agree. My mom weighed in last night after I told her that and that BFF asked me at the end of the conversation when I was coming home. (My BFF is her 3rd daughter and lives close by them.) My mom came out swinging. (I love my mom.) Fortunately for me, my mom gets this. She migrated to DC from the north shore of Minnesota - about 20 miles from the Canadian border. She never went back there to live and heard the same crapola from her friends and extended family (never her mom).
Her pet peeves:
1) Colorado has been my home since 1991. This is home. Not VA. Although VA will always be my childhood home and I have lots of roots there. (Mom is really adamant about this one, LOL.) 2) The people who ask me when I'm coming home next are the same ones who don't come visit me. Planes actually LEAVE DC as well as fly there. 3) My BFF has never been married (though she's a great godmother to my D20 and auntie to her own); she's had a lifetime of dating unavailable men and turns down ones who genuinely care. So what makes her a role model for me? (Okay, I really laughed when she said this.)
Anyway, hearing my mom go off kind of made me happy. She hates that everyone expects me to do the traveling. And she also hates that they expect me to haul my girls with me. Not so bad now, but when they were little, it really svcked. Especially D17, who was horribly hyperactive and had a hideous case of being OCD. Last year, my cousin paid for my airfare to come for Thanksgiving. I really appreciated it because I truly couldn't afford $750 to do that. They wanted me home bad enough to make the offer. So with the exception of my cousin and one of my college roommates, I can't remember when someone last visited me other than my siblings. I will offer that my college pals who came to my brother's funeral started a dialogue of when they could fly out to Colorado. And one of them gets a complete free pass, as her dad died last year, her mom's health is precarious, she surprised me by driving down from Philly to the funeral, and she's my traveling partner for college volleyball. So there you have it.
Apparently, I felt the need to justify being annoyed. LOL. I'm not *that* annoyed because I don't have time. I'm taking D17 to the dentist today, and I have to call a washer repairman since mine is leaking. I just need to keep moving toward the light... my mantra.
Anyway, carry one ya'll. Thanks for the support!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
spokay. Single and okay. Term coined courtesy of advina. By bff has been saying I need to "get back in the game". I dated for a short period but stopped when I just didn't feel it was worth it. The drama.. And she doesn't get that I'm actually good with being by myself right now. That I am happy enjoying the moments with friends and with my kids... So I say.. Whatevs! You do what you know is right for you! I am a little confused though... I've always read your posts and thought mr wonderful was someone you were dating. Lol.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Don't be confused. Mr. Wonderful is my XH. And before you think it's a nice moniker, it isn't. He was named for that dumb doll that you used to see 10+ years ago in places like Bed, Bath & Beyond... the doll whose string you pulled and he uttered platitudes like, "You're so awesome! No wonder I love you!" or "I just want to cuddle tonight" just general crapola. That was my XH for a really long time. Rather than be emotionally honest, I got the guy, who, on the outside said really nice things to me. The original problem was that his actions spoke otherwise. So I gave him that moniker. My snarky side came out in the early days.
But he actually is a nice guy. And we have 13 years of this behind us now. Plus we're both getting old and either just forgetting stuff or choosing to do so.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
So I've been MIA for awhile - nothing to much out of the ordinary going on in my life, which I take as a good thing. Stability is a nice place to be.
The next big event waiting over the horizon will come in a couple of months when I sit down with D18 and D16 and talk to them about GF and her kids moving in with us in June. I am pretty confident that they will be onboard with this - heck D16 keeps trying to plan a proposal for me and wedding. My GF will be having the same discussion with her two kids (D17 and S15) which I think will require a bigger sell on her part - afterall it is they who are having to move. One problem is lack of enough bedrooms for everyone. I have a 4 bedroom house and am obviously one bedroom short. The plan is that the two oldest girls (my D18 and her D17) will "hot rack" it. Since both of them will be at college next year the likelihood of them being at the house at the same time will be low and plus both of our ex's live close enough that when one is with us the other one can be with their mom/dad. However they will have to share closet and dresser space. Anyway, hopefully it is a smooth discussion for both of us and everyone helps to make it a successful transition.
If anyone has recent experience in this and what went well and what things to avoid - I'm all ears (eyes)! Thanks!
In my marriage I ran my butt off too, trying to handle everything so that Voldy didn't have a nervous breakdown. That got me a divorce. Is she any happier without me? Nope. Like your Mom, it's her equilibrium, it's the way she knows how to be...it's comforting and secure when you live in what you know. I work with people all the time whose lives are a friggin' mess but want to do nothing about it...cuz doing something means change and we don't like change! Anyway, glad you got in touch with your issue and can now try and keep it in check with your new love...it'll crop up cuz these issues always do. 
My favorite comment was Friday night when she was getting ready to take her turn. I looked over at Mr. W. and he said, "Oh God. They're putting her in. Just when they took the lead." LOL. A distinct difference between the athleticism of our two girls. 
)