Apologies-I had some info omitted because I named other websites!
I have been given conflicting advice-some have said exposure at all costs and the 180 is only for self preservation whereas others have said that exposure can cause more harm than good and damage my W and our relationship. They have said I should cause conflict, confront the OM, give my wife an ultimatum to leave her job to instigate No contact.
Do I expose to everyone at all costs or do I step back, lovingly distance, wait for the fog to pass and hope she comes back.
Checking in, saying hi. Sorry to see you here, but the vets will have some great advice to help you through your situation.
Don't be shy about posting, we're all supportive.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
I have read DB & am working my way through DR. I had been advised that mass exposure would help lift the fog quicker-it doesn't feel right in any way as even if we don't get back together I wouldn't want to hurt her-I had been advised this is a wimps way out and being the bigger guy doesn't work. If that is the case I would have to accept that because its the way I have been brought up-I won't cause her any trouble in work.like I have said previously, we are still on very very good terms. We did exposé to out family & friends which caused no ill feeling at all so going to stick with that.
Her mom called today to say my wife has been very down since she seen me last week. This makes me sad but also impatient. I had considered contacting her today because of this and the fact she is missing me but the info I have gained through reading suggests this isn't the best thing to do.
Hey-thanks again all for your response. it doesn't feel right in any way as even if we don't get back together I wouldn't want to hurt her-I had been advised this is a wimps way out and being the bigger guy doesn't work. If that is the case I would have to accept that because its the way I have been brought up-I won't cause her any trouble in work.
You are a definition of a Nice Guy. Of course you love your wife, she isn't doubting that, she's just not in love with you. So, identify why she feels that way by finding out about who you really are. You are too Nice and she doesn't respect you right now. In addition to DB I recommend reading NMMNG so you can understand the mistakes you are making from the way you were raised (as you admitted above).
Take control of your life, the sooner you do that the better. This is a good opportunity to better yourself and that doesn't happen by contacting your W. Stick to 180 and NC. If she wants you she will come and when/if she does you better be a better version of yourself or else she will keep walking away.
Good luck.
Last edited by AWAW; 10/01/1408:13 PM.
M:35 WW:32 Dated 8 years M: 2 BD 6/12/14 S: 7/29/14 No kids Reconcile: 9/25/14 Moved back: 10/7/14
There are other websites/forums out there that support exposing and the other things you mentioned. The Divorce Busting forum does not support it. I believe Michele even has a letter on the board about it.
If you follow those other forums that teach differently from the DBing way, you will certainly become very confused if you try to blend it all together. It is better for you to decide which one you want to join and stick with that one. Not all books agree on the same subject or tell it with same viewpoint. Not all books have the advice that you should follow in your particular stitch. Surely you realize this, don't you? Same is true for the many forums on the Internet. Why would you expect everyone in the world to agree on what one should do? We have no control over advice given on another web site.
From time to time, you may hear some of our members sound as if they are giving conflicting advice, but we are "suppose" to follow what is laid out in the DB material. That is why it is important to read the DB books. For now, it would probably be better for you not gather advice from different web sites. I have read books that are very similar to the DB books, and sometimes I forget which ones used a particular term, etc., but I remembered they matched in principles.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with Sandi and I lived it personally. There are many different methods and you need to figure out which you want to commit to and stick to that. Otherwise you're going to be extremely confused.
Since you're on the DB site now and I'm a firm believer I'll comment a little on your last few posts.
You need to give her some space. Both for her and her needs and for your own. During the next several weeks and months no matter what strategy you employ you will be very conflicted. You'll get tons of mixed signals (from W, from friends, and from family) and you'll read into things when nothing is really there. I say this from experience. I was the nice guy that got cheated on and realized I had lost myself.
Hopefully I can save you some time because I spun for a long time. You don't have to stop being a "nice guy". That doesn't mean you have to have contact with W or anything like that. What you need to do is figure out who you are. Somewhere along the line you likely lost who you were. Best thing for YOU right now is to figure out who you are and more importantly who you want to be. What things right now do you think you could improve on to make you better? I"m not asking what you're W wants out of you, I'm asking who you want to be. What things have you always wanted to try and do but haven't (i.e. sky dive, run a marathon, travel, drive in a demolition derby, etc...)? Why not try a couple while giving your W space?
This is going to be a journey. You're going to learn a lot about yourself. You might just save your marriage, you might not but you aren't in control of that. You're only in control of you.
So...what do you feel like you need to work on? Concentrate on yourself for a little bit and everything else will work it self out like it's supposed to.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
