Are there any other forums, that are maybe better suited for co-parenting discussions? I often have questions, and I don't know if DB is the place to share them.
Today, I am wondering about daily phone calls to the kids, from the other parent. Does anyone have some thoughts on this. How do you handle it?
Wife chooses to phone daughter every single day, during my parenting time. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I think it is important that D knows that her mom cares for her and thinks about her when she is not present. On the other hand, it seems that daughter is often a little sad when W calls. I am mind reading, but I think she feels a little guilt and sadness, speaking with W, while I am waiting in the wings. On my end, I don't phone w's house ever. I feel that is her time with D, and I choose not to interfere. I have expressed to W, that I would rather she doesn't call. She insists, and currently I am not rejecting her calls unless they are at an inopportune time. I am just wondering what everyone feels is the right way to handle this interaction. Should I allow it. Should I decline it? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Is W overstepping her co-parenting bounds? Any input is appreciated.
We have always phoned the kids when they weren't with us. Less now that they're 20 and 17. I always thought it to be a wonderful thing that both parents show their love and interest even when the children aren't with them. If there's no need for lines to be drawn in the sand then why make them? If wife is checking on you or bad mouthing you etc then there's an issue but otherwise I say let it go...and you start calling too! D may feel guilty talking to Mom 'cuz you don't call when she's at Mom's...but only she would know for sure. This co-parenting stuff sure isn't easy, is it SP!
I try to look at both perspectives, but I just don't know the right answer. I agree that it is important to have a good connection with daughter. We need to let her know that she is loved and missed, even when she is not present. However, I do get pretty tired of her calling during dinner time, reading time, bath time, play time, etc. I only have so much time with daughter (1/2 of her life, to be exact), so it is a thorn in my side when wife interrupts even a second of that time. I also see that it puts pressure on Daughter. Wife says, "do you want me to call you everyday". Well, how is daughter supposed to respond to that, "Geee, no mom. I am playing with my friends". It just adds stress, pressure and expectation in my mind. On numerous occasions, I have randomly asked daughter if she wanted to phone her mom. Very rarely does she say yes. Keep in mind, we don't go more than 3-4 days without seeing daughter in person. She has a lot of parent time, for a divorced child. I feel that the phone calls are Wife projecting her own needs onto Daughter. The phone calls are, in my mind, her trying to shed some guilt for choosing to be a part time parent. Regardless of the reasoning, I am just not sure what is in daughters best interest. This is what I am struggling with.
I've given that some thought as well. I would need to tighten up our schedule, to free up a specific time. Like most single parents, our afternoon/evenings are chaotic, never the same day twice.
I think I am just going to ignore the calls when they are inconvenient and answer them when they are not. Last night W texted, after calling a couple times. She asked that I have daughter phone her. I replied, "tonight isn't good. We are running late and still need to do our reading before bed". Maybe she was happy with that reply (probably not), but that seems completely reasonable to me...... any thoughts?
I can see both sides. My kids have been dealing with this for nearly 7 years. I will call them when it is their birthday and they are with their Dad but otherwise it can wait. Time with their Dad is just that and it is for me too.
I have worked hard to be able to get along with my ex not for his sake but for mine and my kids. We can do things as the "whole family" when it involves school for example.
Are you at a point where you can talk this out with your estranged W? Seems like she is using your daughter as a crutch to maybe make herself feel better. You know, I am a good Mom because I talk to my daughter every day, if I didn't I would be a bad Mom.
good luck, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Wife and I are at odds. I felt I couldn't be around her, engage her or otherwise acknowledge her existence a while ago, So I completely pulled back and stopped almost all communication with her. I went dark, and I haven't come back. I did this for my own peace and sanity. She has since pulled back as well, and now we are like passive aggressive strangers, when our paths cross. So, here we are today. We will exchange a text regarding daughter, but they are very brief and concise. We reply with lots of "yes" or "no" answers, and not much discussion. Sitting down to talk about this isn't really an option for us anymore.
I do feel that wife holds a lot of guilt, over the divorce, daughter, and even how she hurt me. I am pretty sure she is doing exactly what you're saying. She really plays the role of, "I am a great mom, because look at what I do". I am sure deep down she holds substantial guilt, even though she claims to have none. That is very possibly why, she phones every day and goes to ends to show daughter love. I know I do the same thing, in my own ways. Being a split up family, not having your kids, all of it is brutal.
I think I am just going to trudge on the way we have been doing it. I will answer when its convenient . I won't answer when it's not.
Sorry to see everything you are going through, especially in regard to your visitation with your Daughter! Similar to yours and others, we have a very detailed parenting plan in writing that has specifics. Although we have a clause to allow us to rearrange / swap days mutually, we have to stick to the plan when all else fails!
Does your plan allow your vacation at any time, or specific times? How much notification do you have to give? What are the conditions, if any, can either of you deny the vacation plan of the other?
Completely understand you wanting to avoid any tension and being amicable, but it is obvious she is taking advantage of that and being selfish with what she wants! Only way to counter that, if all else fails, is hold her to the agreement! If she won't, you can always have the court enforce it if you choose!
As far as the phone calls, I agree with call her anytime you want to communicate! I know she is only 8, but have you considered possibly a phone (maybe pre-paid) for you to call her on? This way you don't have to call the house phone and inadvertently have to talk to the X; you can talk to your D directly! This is what I do; and my D can call or text me any time, any day she chooses and my X has no say in the matter; I was VERY clear to her that D's phone is Mine / D's property and none of her business! X is never to touch it since I pay for it! Just an idea!
Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
W, no longer has an attorney. She feels that I can simply have my attorney finish up the paperwork and finalizing. She placed that in my lap, while she makes wedding plans. I do not find it in my best interest, to pay my attorney to do all of the work, charge me hundreds and hundreds of dollars, just for the opportunity to write large checks made out to STBXW.
Couple of questions on this:
1) Do you live in one of those states that awards permanent alimony or something similar? Why would you being paying her anything besides CS if she is planning / going to be married? This doesn't sound right to me. Aside from any laws specific to your state, alimony typically ceases or is no longer awarded when the wife remarries!
2) If she has no lawyer, then that means she is going to be Pro-Se! Looks like a good opportunity for your lawyer to put your interests to work. If she is going to drop it on your lap, then might as well get it all in your best interest! Again, just my opinion!!!
Best of luck and keep your head up and moving forward!
Azagtoth
Me: 44 X WAW/MLC: 42 Kids: S21, D11 BD: July 2013 (ILYBNILWY) EAx2: Busted 1 OCT 2013; 25 Mar 2014 Status: Divorcing & Done! Waiting to be final (Nov 2014?) & glad it's finally over!
I have been trying to get back into the dating scene. I am not having much success. I am not sure if it is my area, lack of available women that would be interested in a guy like me, my age or the fact that I have never been good at approaching women or dating in in the first place. I have started to become a little frustrated with that.....still smiling, anyway. I am not sure life will ever be as good as I once thought it was, but I am hopeful.
SP,
I really would have preferred to PM you on this topic, but, since PM isn't available on this forum, I'll throw a little risk to the wind and give you my take on this.
Not sure where you are, or the amount of "available" ladies, but things may not be as bad as you think!
You are actually in a good place; do some web searching and you will find that the dating game is actually in your favor and it is not as tough as it seems! You and I are the same age group and initially, when I went back "on the market", I found that not only was I getting approached regularly, I was getting approached by everything from 21 - 45!
This is actually very common! As we (men) get older, the dating market actually gets more favorable to us; we have a larger age pool to choose from! This allows you to actually be picky when it comes to selecting whether short term or long term! Toss in the fact that many younger men are no longer willing to either date or commit to an LTR / Marriage (on strike), there seems to be a shortage on men looking for solid relationships!
I understand the thing about approaching women; I myself have never been the forward type and was generally an introvert. Part of my GAL was to be more socially approachable and to find social groups I could relate to. I did this by just "practicing" talking to people; men and women, whenever the opportunity arose. Once I got past that, I started to focus strictly on women; things as simple as smiling and saying "good morning/afternoon" to those I passed or striking up conversations in the check out line! I noticed the more I did, the more comfortable I became and the more my confidence grew. The more confident I got, the more positive the reactions seemed to be.
I then put it to the test whenever I was in a social climate (Coffee shop, pool hall, club, etc). After the first couple of attempts at simply talking to women, my confidence increased more and it became very easy. Not only that, but the way I carried myself naturally improved with the confidence. It didn't take long before I was being approached or women would start conversations with me!
There are tons of good articles about the dating game on the web, but the key points are always generally the same: 1) Get in shape and look attractive 2) Carry yourself with confidence 3) Be confident with your approach; just don't be an @ssh0le! 4) Be interesting & be interested in the conversation! 5) DON'T look / be needy; don't be too quick to please! 6) DON'T put her value above yours; DON'T put any of them on a pedestal! 7) Look for Indicators of Interest (IOI's)
If you are in good shape, take care in your appearance and exude some confidence, dating should be fun and relatively easy! You just have to take that leap back in to dating.....trust me I know.....it was 22 years for me! I got lucky; I met a very nice lady very early on that is highly compatible with me and am currently enjoying and exclusive LTR with her!
But then again, you don't have to be exclusive either! Take your time, have some fun with it if you choose!
Word of caution when dating in the modern age and if you decide to get into a future committed relationship; suggest you research some key words:
Me: 44 X WAW/MLC: 42 Kids: S21, D11 BD: July 2013 (ILYBNILWY) EAx2: Busted 1 OCT 2013; 25 Mar 2014 Status: Divorcing & Done! Waiting to be final (Nov 2014?) & glad it's finally over!
To answer some of your questions, the settlement issue we are having is in regards to retirement funds, bank accounts, future earnings, etc. It isn't alimony. I know that I owe her some sort of settlement, but it just ERKS me to have to pay her anything. She didn't have two nickels to rub together when we met. I did. Now, she wants to walk away and take a little with her. What makes that even more of a sore spot for me is, she quickly moved on with an OM, dated, quit her job, traveled, partied, vacationed, made purchases, went back to school and is now engaged. She has a sugar daddy. I earn my living.I take daughter to the dentist. Wife gets a tattoo and a boob job. We live that sort of dynamic. It just pisses me off that I am struggling, and she is literally living the life of a rock star, AND she wants a paycheck from me. I can barely pay my bills, and she doesn't even work to support herself. It just goes against my grain. I feel that if she wanted to just flat leave, then just flat leave. She has found a new person to support her. Let him support her.!
As far as parenting plan, ours is very basic. Furthermore, it isn't even court ordered. It is just the basic plan which we discussed during mediation. Unfortunately, we didn't come to a full agreement in mediation (financial portion), so the parenting plan was left on the table. Regardless, Wife is being selfish, and she isn't sticking to what we originally discussed.
A new issue is looking me in the eye. My Mother passed away recently, and now I am inheriting a 50% ownership in our family business. That is going to DRAMAICALLY change my net worth. It won't change my income, but it will change what I am worth on paper. Wife knows this, and she has mentioned modifying the divorce. I think it is time to just pay her off and get this divorce settled, before it ends up costing me a portion of what my family has worked for 4 generations to build.
As far as dating goes, I am just struggling to meet women that I feel are compatible with me. I am doing the online thing. I have a few dates here and there, but few and far between. I have flirted around and dated some, outside of the online approach, and that's seems to fit me much better. Unfortunately, there just doesn't seem to be a lot of prospects out there. It seems I am attracting girls that are WAY too young for me, or women that are WAY too old or just not compatible with my lifestyle. I am 44, but often get mistaken for being much younger. I am not into the bar scene, and to be honest, I haven't made huge efforts to look for other ways of meeting women. I know that things will settle in. It is just a process. I am out, being busy and living life. I am spending time with Daughter, focusing on work and home. I do get very lonely at times. I very much miss the domestic lifestyle. It would be nice to have a partner, but I am missing the mark by a little. I just need to get my aim down
