I can't seem to kick the miserable feeling I have after the Divorce. I was feeling a little better before the big D, but now I'm miserable most of the time. I think some of it is the massive load of stuff that I have to deal with.
For one, I'm practically bankrupt. I made a few mistakes financially after the separation and that didn't help. The lawyer took the rest of my cash, and child support keeps me from digging out of my hole. I chose to keep the house, which I've been renovating for years now, but that has partially put me in a bind. I also have a car I'm making payments on that I think I'm going to have to sell. Even though I make good money, most of it is taken in debt from the marriage, and child support. And no, the house is not fancy and over-sized. It's a modest 100 year old house. If I can get it refinanced the payments wouldn't be any more than renting an apartment. I've almost got enough renovations done that I can get it refinanced. I'm hoping my debt to income ratio doesn't make it impossible.
I've also had a series of pet related and other emergency expenses that have only increased my debt load.
For some reason my ex is loaning me money to get the house done. I'm not sure what is going on there. She otherwise shows no interest in having anything to do with me. If it weren't for the kids I don't think I would ever see her again. I can only guess she's doing it so she can get her name off the mortgage sooner. Selling the house isn't an option now, because it's part of our agreement. I have to refinance it in my name now in order to sell it. I don't have a desire to sell anyway. Working on the house is one of the things that keeps me sane.
Part of my state of mind is how she has frozen me out. Granted we are divorced now, but she didn't even save me a seat for our daughter's musical. I don't know half of what is going on in our daughters lives, unless they tell me. I feel like she's trying to erase me from the last 13 years.
I miss my kids. I'm missing so much of their lives, and it's killing me inside. There is no way to replace that. We have joint custody, but she is the primary. We were supposed to review the custody schedule in June, but it never happened. I've sent her emails about it (for paper trails), but she just didn't respond. I can't do anything about that though because I can't afford to hire a lawyer again. I've also been told that if I make too many waves in the first 2 years I could lose the joint custody.
On top of all this I've been laid off at work. The good news is that I have until next August until my contract runs out. The bad news is that I can't find anything that pays near to what I make. I have too much experience now, and that makes me too expensive. I work in IT at a university, but IT isn't as valued as it used to be.
When I was working to save our marriage I was probably in the best mood, and health, that I had been in for years. I honestly thought that if I made myself a better happier person that the W would see it, and start to warm up. I later found out that the only thing I accomplished was irritating her with my morning workout schedule.
Am I having problems detaching? Probably. I'm in therapy, but that can only accomplish so much. I don't even want to get into dating. Unless I wan't to try to pick up women in bars there isn't much opportunity. I'm actively looking for a job, and working to get the house refinanced, so I'm not laying around waiting for something to happen. I just can't see a silver lining, and I do miss my kids.
You need to take a deep breath there buddy. It aint the end of the world. Stressful yes but not the end. It is very hard to come up with a plan when you have defeated yourself already. Put that negative thinking aside for a bit and think things through rationale. Ok
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
First of all - child support is not your problem. You have an obligation to care for your kids and if they were living with you you would incur the same or greater expenses. So stop thinking that child support is the issue.
Marital debt is an issue (how did ya'll end up with that debt, btw?). Keeping a house you might not be able to afford may be an issue. Buying a car you can't afford may have been an issue. But child support is not an issue.
As for finances: - can you get a room mate to help with expenses? - is this house really a good investment, or is it a money pit? It's easy to get emotional about a house, but don't forget to evaluate it objectively as you would any other investment too. - can you reduce your utility bills by watching your energy consumption? - where else do you think you can cut your expenses? I HIGHLY recommend you take a look at the MrMoneyMustache website and forums to get fired up about how you can save money. Also take a look at Dave Ramsey's baby steps - I don't care for the guy's politics, but he's spot on when it comes to budgeting and paying off debt. Very motivating.
Re: work - - I'm sorry you are having to deal with a job loss when you are already feeling so unsteady. Luckily you do have plenty of advance warning. Start thinking about whether you should be brushing up on any of your skills or certifications. Network with friends and acquaintances. Think outside the box.
Re: Mood - - PTSD, depression, post-stress adrenal depletion - any of these things may also be affecting you at this time. Don't forget that exercise is a valuable anti-depressant. Some people also need pharmaceutical anti-depressants at this time. Work on establishing a new social support network if yours is thin. Get out. Meet people. Do things. Volunteer to help people less fortunate than yourself.
Things WILL get better - but not if you wallow or play the victim. Put on your Robinson CRusoe thinking cap, check out those resources I gave you, and dream up a better life for yourself. You won;t regret it.
I don't even want to get into dating. Unless I want to try to pick up women in bars there isn't much opportunity
You don't sound like you're anywhere near ready to start dating yet. But when you ARE, there's this dandy new invention called INTERNET DATING! Yes, I know, you hear lots of crazy stories, but this is also where a whole lot of normal people like me meet their partners these days. If you really want to date, there is plenty of opportunity out there.
(Just wait until you're ready - you don't sound like you are.)
I don't have a problem paying my fare share of child rearing. Right now with the expenses for the children the way they are, it is actually about where is should be. What I don't like about it is I have no control over how the money is spent, and she has no obligation to spend it on the children. Over time I am supposed to get more time with the children. My personal expenses feeding, housing, and entertaining them will go up. This is a problem with family law, so I guess it's not really appropriate here.
I'll look at those cost saving websites. I've already done a lot of cost saving, like getting rid of my satellite dish, changing insurance, etc.
Refinancing the house might actually help if I can make it happen. If I can get a good enough appraisal I can consolidate the debt.
How did we get into so much debt. Part of it was the deterioration of the marriage. We didn't communicate on spending. While she denies it, she also spends a lot on things that she doesn't need but makes life easier. A habit she still keeps up. I've also gone into a lot of debt on lawyer bills, just got my last one I hope, marriage counseling, and a series of unfortunate events.
Internet dating [censored] royally. I would agree that I am not ready to date for a serious relationship, but it would be nice to have some casual dating. I have looked on Match.com, OKCupid, and POF. There is not much on there that I find even remotely interesting. I watch what I eat, but it is apparent from these websites that most people don't. I live in a medium sized college town, but that is not a plus. The dating scene here caters to the 20 year old crowd. A lot of the attractive ladies (mostly grad students) on the websites are either really picky (more than me) or extremely liberal. The women on these sites get around 15 emails a day so it's hard to get noticed. My church is a definite dead end too. All my friends are married with kids, and mostly homebodies. I freely admit I have no game. I'm terrible at meeting women, but I have little interest in that PUA stuff.
When I am financially recovered, and have my emotional act together I am likely going to look overseas for dating. I just don't trust our culture of disposable marriage, and how willing western women are to participate in it. You can say that not all of them are like that, and I agree completely. A friend of mine found a wonderful woman. I just think those are few in America. Statistically international marriages are more successful than domestic ones. A 20% divorce rate compared to a over 50% one here.
I hate that I've given up on trying to get me ex back, because even after everything I still love her. If I didn't I wouldn't have these strong feelings would I. I just can't keep throwing myself against that wall without causing more harm to myself.
I have looked on Match.com, OKCupid, and POF. There is not much on there that I find even remotely interesting.
Seriously? I bet that's more a reflection of your current mindset than reality. My best friend couldn;t find anybody either when she looked a couple of years ago, before she was really truly ready to date. Now that she IS ready to date - she's had SIX promising coffee dates in a week and a half, all with men that are reasonable candidates.
Yes, you have to sort through a lot, and you might choose a dating service that lets you screen for some of your important features (if you don't like liberals, for instance, look for one that lists political affiliation; I personally ruled out all Republicans and vegans right off the bat).
As for foreign wives - I'll be honest, that creeps me out a bit. There is such a power imbalance - the women are usually coming from a place where they are just looking for a green card and/or a sugar daddy, the potential for them to abuse you or you to abuse them is high. Also some creepy U.S. men are just looking for their fantasy of a "submissive" Asian woman.
Why not just get involved in social activities that match your personal values, in hopes of meeting a woman "naturally" that fits you? Athletic pursuits, conservative political or charitable organizations, whatever floats your boat. But don't rule out internet dating altogether - you just have to sift through a lot of people, but it can be done more quickly online than in real life.
It's tough. I miss my kids, too. I feel your pain, bro.
I don't miss my ex-wife. ;-)
I lost my job just after I moved into a new apartment (ex lives in our old house).
Things got better. Sometimes in the 11th hour.
I have a great new job, nice apartment and great friends. I'm increasingly seeing my kids more and more. It's more that as I started to level out and get my game back, my children gravitated back to me.
You don't "get happy" right away. Healing takes time. But there are good things in life to be enjoyed. It takes time to settle in your own skin. Divorce is really hard on men.
I overwork. I watch too much Netflix. I've become fat and jolly post divorce. So what? It seems my PMA and "game" seems to attract really amazing women into my life. I've dated a little, though not ready for anything serious now.
Statistically, you have a better chance of getting married in a town full of married people than in a town with lots of singles. Funny ain't it. ;-)
Dude - from the sound of your posts, maybe you shouldn't be dating now anyway. Take some time.
My friend tried to set me up with a Filipina half my age in a long distance courtship. She was lovely, but, honestly I don't think if I were pretty young thing like her I'd want to marry a middle-ages divorcee like me. Didn't appeal to me at all. ;-) IF you marry one, remember, she's gonna want to have children.
Others are providing good advice. Dating after divorce is often a train wreck for guys 'cuz we want to be validated and jump into things we are not ready to deal with. I've known a number of guys who have ended up in very difficult situations because they didn't wait until they were ready. Be happy with you and your life before looking for someone else. Dating sites are what you put into them...and they're also not the way we are used to looking for companionship. Profiles are much the same...everyone is happy, their cup is always half full and they love to laugh. The only way to really get a feel for a lady is to message with her or talk with her for a bit. You learn real quick whether this is someone you'd like to meet. Also dating foreign ladies (my experience has been with Filipina's lately but I was married to a HK Chinese) you must be aware of not only their past relationship situation but also their culture. You date a Filipina and you're dating her whole family! They send tons of money home and will continue to do so whether you like it or not. There's lots to be aware of. Also Filipina's arent' as concerned about age difference as we are in our culture...twenty year difference is not a biggie to many but you'll be dealing with culture, family and age...a big bag to carry. Anyway, look after you...and be good to you. There's always time Btw, I'm having dinner tomorrow night with a lovely Chinese lady who I met on Match a week ago and my last gf (Filipina) I met online and we were together for 1.5 years. Good things can happen...when you're ready for them
The majority of the women I met through online dating sites (primarily Match.com) were nice ladies who were looking for a decent guy that they had some common values and goals. Yes there were a couple of nut cases but those were few and far between. Plus, Match.com allows you to put filters as to exactly what you are looking for in someone, i.e. age, height, political preference, etc.
The nice thing about local dating sites is that you can meet for a relatively inexpensive cup of coffee or evening drink with a potential match to see if you are interested enough in each other to pursue additional dates. The overseas thing seems dicey and potentially filled with people who are on them for the wrong reasons. But to each his or her own.
I agree with Théoden, you don't sound like you are any where close to being in a place where you can objectively date.
Sorry to hear what you are going through; none of us really wanted this. Definitely continue to heal yourself and stay away from the dating scene until ready. I know you are probably sick of hearing this, but things will get better over time.
Focus on you and getting better; definitely exercise and stay in shape as it will not only benefit you physically, but mentally as well by reducing stress and releasing those "feel good" chemicals in your brain. The other plus; you will be in top shape and confidence when you are ready to test the dating waters.
Make what time you do with the kids high quality! This is what I do; my focus is always on D11 when she is with me; I don't let anyone including the girlfriend intrude on that time! I always focus on activities we both like, which right now, is bowling & skating (quad & inline). Great for calorie burning & cardio!
Do you have any hobbies or talents you can use to make some extra cash? This is a great way to enjoy a hobby and earn some extra on the side and is what I stumbled onto during my GAL process. I have played guitar for a long time; I am into Blues & always wanted to build my own. I built a couple of cigar box guitars out of a box and hardware materials using some instructions from the internet. Not only did they play well, I ended up selling them both for more than twice what they cost to build. I ended up building and selling a total of 6. Just so happened one of the customers has a connection to a prominent guitar store that is willing to put these on consignment and expose them to a good customer base. Since I have no garage now, these are on temporary hold until I can find a small place to work from.
Just an idea and example.
Stick it out man, you will recover and will be just fine!
Az
Me: 44 X WAW/MLC: 42 Kids: S21, D11 BD: July 2013 (ILYBNILWY) EAx2: Busted 1 OCT 2013; 25 Mar 2014 Status: Divorcing & Done! Waiting to be final (Nov 2014?) & glad it's finally over!
