on not getting "stuck"

[forward]

Hello all, every now and then I come back to see if there are any updates from people in my MLC timeframe. Not many any more! When I see newbies, I am always saddened by how prevalent these issues are.

My story, in short, is that X left me, in full-blown MLC, when we had a 14-month-old. He was with someone half his age. After a long time of feeling resentful and angry, I began to use the time to gain some inner strength, examine what went wrong, and think about the future.

OW was exactly the little user I knew she was, and left him. We divorced and he met another woman, who died. I actually felt sorry for her as he left her when she was ill. Then X had an accident that has caaused him endless problems and major health issues.

In the meantime, I meant a great guy. New Guy and I dated 3 years and married. I now have a very good life with someone who thinks I am awesome and who is pretty awesome himself!

I see X's vanity and saelf-absorbed tendencies and am glad to have escaped. At the same time, I feel sorry for him as he is alone most of the time and with no one to help him through his medical problems. I have helped him some but am glad that I do not feel obligated to. If he were not D's dad, I would have moved and would not be in touch with him, but really it does not matter any more. X has a life that he wanted: without annoying people to deal with. However, I can hear at times--many times--that he sounds ready to cry and I do have a heart and realize how hard things must be for him.

DD is a happy grade school kid and X and I cooperate around her.

I still believe that i did my best to save my first marriage, and I am glad that I did and recommend it to everyone. But around me, I see people who are desperately stuck. They still pay attention to every little thing the X does and are angry and fighting. It is true that the best thing you can do is pay attention to yourself and enjoy your time alone. When I met New Guy, I figured I could take or leave a R. I was pretty happy with my life. New Guy made it better.

I have a friend who has now been divorced much longer than married. She constantly laments her divorced state. Her X is no prince but their battles go on and on. Their kids are a mess and know only fighting. I am glad I do not have that to contend with. although I can only imagine the pain when a OP becomes the spouse, I also think that one must move on and must have his/her own life. I learned to like my own company and was as happy watching movies alone as I was doing other things. I made a lot of new friends and tried lots of new things.

So fight the good fight. Do everything you can--maybe it will work. But don't get stuck. Don't be here 15 years from now, still noticing X's socks or something like that. Begin now!

Good luck.

[BrightFuture]

Forward, great post. Thanks for stopping by. Sometimes I feel like one of these stuck people. Even though I live my life and GAL and think about me. I still think about H too. He is not X yet. He doesn’t file and I don’t either. This is where I feel stuck. I am not obsessed with his every action, but we have very limited contact, so I tend to overanalyze the things.

I I’ve read some of your story. I’m glad you are doing great!

[Matt165]

My stbexw's father left her mother, her and brother when she was only 10 years old and moved 1000 miles away with OW (whom he ended up M to many years later and still is).
Her mother stayed stuck. Never got on with her life. Obsessed over her lost M and R. She is now 70 years old and alone. As for her kids, her never being able to move on has hurt them as well. They saw their mother as a victim. It didn't help that their father really didn't care about them and treated them so badly. But, the fact that their mom didn't move on hurt them. It kept them stuck as well. W's brother is now a D dad of 3 girls and has been in and out of jail, unable to have a real relationship. W is now in full blown MLC and desperate to find her fathers love and respect before he dies....and blames her mother for her lack of having a R with her father.

What I am trying to say is moving on with your life isn't just for you. If you have kids it's for them as well. It is something that I know I MUST do for my D's, not just for myself. So, if you find yourself stuck and unable to move on for yourself, keep in mind I have seen first hand what being stuck can do to those that love you, that count on you. Do it for them as well as yourself. That thought has gotten me through some dark days when I felt like giving up. Maybe it can help anyone else out there who is having a hard time too.

[braveheart]

Forward, Its good to see you on here! Yes, most of us from that time frame have moved on, in one way or another. I'm glad you are happy and doing well. I know how hard you tried to save your marriage, your XH didn't want to. I have no sympathy for him, as you pointed out, he got what he wanted. Your story is quite different than most on here, I see the LBS who most often times takes the worst of it. I too wish that people wouldn't be stuck, but unfortunately, many are and many will remain that way. I'm with what you are saying, do all you can, but recognize when you have done all you can and live your life. Life is too short to be unhappy. I hope you pop in from time to time!!!

[forward]

BF,
If you're separated and living apart and have minimal contact, you can't really stay stuck, I don't think. All that time to yourself changes your life and you wind up making changes whether you want to or not. Couples that conflict have to have contact, after all. If you don't have contact, you have to find a way to deal with the day to day life. Make sure to follow DB advice and find little ways to cheer yourself up and be nice to yourself. You will have your own rhythm and you may be surprised to see that the person your H is is nott he kind of person you want to be with any more after all.

So as I see people enmeshed with their former spouses, I am not sure what to think or why some people stay stuck. I do not know why or how things worked out for me that I do not feel that way. C did help. Also, I can say that I understand feeling stuck, as it took a while for me to not feel that way. I guess I'd say that I tried to have some fun. I did things I normally wouldn't have done. and frankly, I just got to be me, which felt pretty good after years of being too codependent.

I also think that C is useful, if for no other reason than to deal with depression. I read a LOT of self-help books. That is just me but I found they lifted my spirits and gave me a lot to think about. Also, if you go to library they are free. DB, of course, is one to consider but if you are 2 years into this, it might be time to read some other selfhelp materials, too. Be indulgent with your self-examination, I believe!

I spent a long time reading and writing and just being with myself (as one could see by my old threads). I wasn't really lonely; no time! When I met New Husband, I found he, too, had done a great deal of reading, writing, and thinking. It put me in a position to see things differently. I actually had a dream that X wanted me back--but it was the same halfway, not that interested in me sort of mumble, and in the dream it was like, uh, no. I also was interested in someone who only acted sort of interested in me, and I quit pursuing fairly quickly since I realized I could not deal with half-heartedness.


BH, nice to see you here, too. I pop in every once in a while to see if anyone's stories are updated. You may be right, that LBS often has a hard time. To be honest, I am not sure how I wound up in a much better place but I am. Some of it is luck, I think, and some of it is making your own luck. However, even if I were alone I'd be OK. Maybe it's because I am an introverted person.

I can say that I do feel sorry for X, but do not feel obligated by that. When you find out that your former spouse's days are likely to be numbered, it changes the way you think. I am still disappointed in him at times, but since I don't live with him of course, he doesn't have much of a chance to get on my nerves. It has helped that he seems concerned about D and pays attention to her now.

I am finding that blending families is likely to be the biggest emotional challenge of my life, but I am so happy to have NH's girls in my life. I try to let them know that, too. We feel like a family. And I would include X. I have helped him with doctor appts and some other things, but don't get involved beyond that.

I admit that I am not sure I'd feel this way if X had a GF and I was on my own.

Also, although it would still be good to get some kind of apology (I just had a half-hearted one), I just accept that I won't.