Hi All, this is my first time posting here but I've been reading these forums for a while. Seems to me like there is a lot of good information and support which is exactly what I need right now.
So here's my story...
H and I have been together for 5 years. We got married in a courthouse in Jan of 14 secretly and were planning to have our wedding this November. Back in September, we both left for our bachelor/bachelorette parties. After getting in an argument over the weekend, he sent me a text saying we needed to talk in person when we both got home on Monday. I start to panic, having experienced him pull away from him during arguments in the past when he has threatened to leave. I start pressing him for answers, telling him I'm scared to go home, etc. and he just says he "empathizes with me". Monday afternoon when we talk, I suggest we put off the wedding due to the amount of stress it has caused for us. H then says not only is the wedding definitely off, but he also wants a D and is moving out that night. I beg, cry, plead, threaten to kill myself (so stupid) and do everything I can to convince him not to leave. Of course, he leaves anyway. As he is walking out the door I ask him to think about this decision and about working on things with me and he says he can't make any promises, but that he will call me later that night around 7. After he leaves, I text him non-stop, call, beg and plead some more, which only makes him angry. That night he calls me at 7 and tells me he is done for good and there is nothing I can do to change his mind.
By Tuesday, he had cancelled our entire wedding, told his family and a few of our friends that we were completely done. He also called both my parents and told them that this was really it, and that he wanted me and my son (from a previous relationship) out of the house within the month. The first two weeks I and my son were a wreck. My son considers H his dad, and didn't understand how he could just walk out on us like that. For 3 weeks, H did not call or see me or my son (most importantly). He could, however, send text messages asking me how finding a place was going.
In the last 3 months I've heard it all... "I'm emotionally bankrupt" "You're not the one for me" "You've ruined my life" "I F'd up by marrying you" "Divorce is my only option" and so on and so on.
After going completely dark for almost a month and a half, we met up to talk about logistics. Had a good conversation about my son, financial stuff, etc. He came back to the house that day and spent the entire day there to see my son. I kept retreating to the bedroom and he would tell me that I could come hang out with them if I wanted. The next 2 nights he "dropped by" to pick stuff up. So unlike him so never wanted to be around me previously. He tried to drop by the third night but we weren't home. Then, the 4th night, nothing. No Phone call, text, etc. Complete silence. Then, 5th day, I log on to the county website and see that he filed for D. I was sick to my stomach. I had thought we were making progress. Then, that same night around midnight, he texts me saying he's coming home to stay with my son. I say okay. He comes over and we sleep together.
Me 26 ; H 26 M less than a year B 9/15/14 Moves in with parents 9/15/14 Files 11/21/14
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
I have been trying to detach for about a month an a half. I have been working hard to GAL and keep a PMA. A few weeks when he came over he said "You're totally over this aren't you" and I just looked back and said "Just trying to have a positive attitude".
We continued to sleep together for about a week. He would come over every night and hangout with my son and I. One night during the week he came in the door while I was cooking dinner with tears in his eyes and asked me if sleeping together was hard for me, and I said no (even though, yes it totally is). He said it was hard for him because it makes him want to be there with us and he hates having to leave every night. He kept telling me he wanted a relationship do-over, and that half of him wishes he could take us and move somewhere and start over. He said I seem like a completely different person and it would be so easy to keep falling in love with me over and over. I tried to take everything with a grain of salt and not get to excited, because only a month ago he was telling me D was his only option and he would never be with me again. Then, last Sunday after sleeping together the night before, he came into my room and said we shouldn't have sex anymore. It was complicating things and he didn't want us to keep hurting each other. He said he felt like dirtbag. I said he wasn't, that he was the best person I've ever known. He said the same about me. That he would do anything for me and my son. In response I said if you would do anything for me, have faith in us. He said he is thinking about it. And that he "did" have faith in us in the past. Then he told me he can't "go back on all of this" and left.
He came over every night last week and I kept acting happy and positive. Trying to act "as if". I asked him to watch my son on Friday night so I could go to a Xmas party and he agreed. They hung out at the house while I got ready, and I made sure to get really dolled up. He kept coming into the bedroom and saying "Have a hot date tonight? That's good, good for you".
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Okay, had kind of a crazy night last night. H called me 4 times in a row and then texted me and said to call him back ASAP. I was nervous to call since the last time we talked he said he wanted to think about things before we talked next. But because he called so many times I was worried it might be an emergency. When I called him back, he said there was some Sh*t going on and I needed to be completely honest. He and his brother were for a public safety department and his brother is *fingers crossed* supposed to be hearing whether he is getting hired in the next academy this week. Well, apparently yesterday during work, his brother got called into the chief's office and was questioned about spreading rumors about other members of the department. One of the people accusing him of spreading the rumors is a chief, who also happens to be the dad of one of my best friends. So H called me to ask if I had said anything, and started interrogating me up and down. I kept saying no, but would pause every now and then because I was feeling so pressured and was totally caught off guard by all of this. H's brother and I have had differences in the past, and one of the biggest problems for me in the M is that H's family and friends would accuse me of stuff and I never felt that H believed me or had my back. Now, even though we've been separated for 3 months and I haven't been around H's brother, friends or family, I feel like the same thing is happening again. I thought there might be hope for me, but now I'm worried that this situation is going to completely ruin any chances I have for reconciling. I don't know what to do. I've been having major anxiety all day today at work and can't focus on anything. I keep waiting for a text or phone call from H saying it's all my fault and I caused this.
Any advice on what to do next would be greatly appreciated. I am lost and starting to doubt myself, and lose the confidence I have worked so hard to gain. The last 3 months I have really focused on being the best person I can be and changing my life. I don't want all of that progress to go out the window.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Cadet, thanks for the response! You're right. I'm so used to taking blame and accepting it, that actually letting him convince me that situation was all my fault was an easy trap to fall into.
Later in the day H texted me and said the situation was worked out and thanked me for talking. I just said "Of course" and that I was happy everything worked out well. Always reminding myself to stay positive (or at least only show a PMA).
Something also happened today-- I got a card from H's grandma in the mail, basically saying that she had mixed emotions about us separating but didn't hold any angst towards me. She also said "thankfully the separation happened before the marriage". H is VERY close with his family so this threw me off a little. We had kept the marriage a secret, but he came clean to his parents and brother when we split. I'm really surprised he hasn't told the rest of his family the truth. I'm not sure if it should, but it bothered me a little.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Having a lot of trouble today. For the most part I have been feeling like I've been making progress detaching and GAL, but it's still hard to be completely at peace.
Last serious conversation with H was on Sunday. He said we needed to talk about D paperwork, and that his friend has agreed to say he served me and sign off on it, so H can just hand me the paperwork himself, hopefully to avoid drama. A few weeks ago H and I had talked about waiting until after the holidays were over before he served me, so him bringing this up kind of was a shock. I remained cool and just reminded him of the conversation. He said he thinks he F'd up because he started the process before we talked, and has had it started for weeks so now he thinks there's something time sensitive. I'm not sure what it could be but I've read a lot about D and from what I can tell, nothing is "time sensitive" other than responding once you've been served. This makes me wonder if he's just using this as an excuse.
I also asked if this meant we weren't going to finish the other conversation we started (about whether or not this was the right path to take). He said I could text him later that day or the next and we could talk about if divorce was still the best option. When I suggested Sunday bc I had the day off from work, he said "Well, we're talking right now. We should just talk about it now." I asked if he was ready to have that convo and he said yes.
Basically he told me that he feels a "big pull to be back" with me and my son, but there's also a part of him that doesn't. I tried to validate and listen. I said that even though we both have mentioned wishing we could have a relationship "do-over", that I didn't want to do the same relationship but to have a fresh start. I said that I agreed that calling off the wedding and separating was the right thing to do, and that I've actually enjoyed having space. I said that one of the things I've realized during these last few months is that I don't need a M or kids to be happy, that I want more out of life than just that. I realized I can live without H and I'd be just fine. I want him in my life, but having him would be a plus more than a necessity (I didn't say these words exactly but sent that message). Then I said that if he didn't want to be with me, I am okay with that. I accept that. It would kill me, but his needs and feelings are important and matter to me. So if that's what he wants, truly loving him unconditionally means accepting that. At this point he said "See, you're still holding onto all of this." And when I asked "Holding onto what?" He said, hope. I asked him if I should not have hope and he just said "IDK".
He talked somewhat about fears he has about getting back together and I tried to validate as much as I could. I acknowledged that I understood the way he felt, and that I couldn't convince him things would be different with anything I could say. I asked if he thought seeing a counselor together might help, just to sit down and say, here's the situation as it is now, where do we go from here? He said he thought that might be a good idea.
The convo died down a bit and we just laid next to each other on the bed. Then he said "I have to go to the gym because I can't work you out anymore." I replied playfully, teased him a little, and then reached out to touch him. We ended up sleeping together.
Once we were finished, I just asked "Where do we go from here? Do you want me to make an appointment with a counselor?" And he said he wanted me to hold off so he could think about some stuff this week.
So right now, I feel like it's a waiting game. I am trying to keep a PMA, GAL, and have not contacted H at all unless absolutely necessary. I haven't asked when we would talk again or pressed him at all.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
I have however, been thinking that sleeping with him might have been a mistake. It's hard when we are lying next to each other talking about how bad we want each other, but I also don't want it to come off as pursuing, or like I don't respect his boundaries/need for space. After we finished I tried to play it totally casual and cool. Like it was just about sex and didn't bother me.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
