Thanks so much for the response. It is so hard to accept that we can't do anything. I guess that is part of the "grieving process". Denial, bargaining, etc...
My H says he hasn't researched D at all, not even the process. And yet, we are moving forward. Part of that I find hard to believe. I mean, who files for D and doesn't research the legal process at least? Wouldn't you even research the issues and problems that come with it? Why are people so delusional when it comes to huge issues?
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
I feel the biggest thing H and I are up against in our M and in terms of getting back together is his family and friends. I believe they have put a ton of pressure on H to leave me and follow through with this decision. And since he walked out 4 months ago, they have dropped me like a bad habit. I apologize to H's brother and SIL for some misunderstandings we had. They seemed receptive but still stand-offish. His mother has never reached out-- not once. Neither has anyone else in his family.
My question to all of you is, how should I handle this? Is there any Db opportunities I have with them? Is there any way for me to help make the pressure less?
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
On sunday H invited S8 and I to go rock climbing with him and we agreed. S8 and I met H at the gym and spent 2 hours climbing together. S8 wasn't in the best mood, so most of the time H and I climbed together. We laughed and had a great time. I showed up with a new haircut that H loved and complemented me on. And the day went beautifully. He said he had a lot of fun with S8 and I.
H came over later that night and after we put S8 to bed he and I watched a movie on the couch. I was sitting far from him at first, but then he said I should move to the couch, so I did. After about 20 minutes he extended his hand and grabbed mine. We sat together holding hands on the couch and it just confused the heck out of me. I got up about 10 minutes later to get water and came back on the couch. H didn't reach for my hand again so I didn't reach for his. Then a few minutes later, he looked over at me and asked if I wanted to cuddle. At first I hesitated and started to say no, but then I gave in. H's love language is touch so I felt like it was a good move.
We laid on the couch together and held each other for a while. H rubbed my back (nightly back rubs used to be our thing) and this is the first time he's done this since BD. Then we ML. H kept saying it was so nice to hold me and he was so tender. After we were finished he said he wished he could stay in bed with me but he didn't want to confuse S8 so he needed to go back out to the couch. He kissed me on the forehead and we said goodnight.
The next day when S8 and I got home from work, H was at the house. He had picked up carne asada (my favorite) and a bunch of other food to make us dinner. We watched the football game as a family and after putting S8 to bed we watched a movie together. We made tea and enjoyed each others company (no cuddling or hand holding). As I got up to go to bed, H said he had fun hanging out with me again. I said I did too. As I was getting ready to go to bed, he lifted up his blanket signaling me to come over and lay with him. We laid there for a bit and then H told me to go get ready for bed and come back. While I was in the bathroom, H had crawled into bed. I joined him and we ML again. He kept saying he just wanted to hold me (but of course that led to more). After we finished, he grabbed my hand and told me that "life is so hard". I said I know. He told me I was beautiful and went back out to the couch. The next morning I went out to lay with him before work. He asked me if we were messing everything up and I said I didn't know. I asked him what I thought and he said he didn't know either. He said he loves spending time with S8 and I but there are also a lot of things he still wants to do in his life and he's really confused. I said that made sense and tried to validate.
I didn't expect to see him the next day, but he came over unnaounced around 6:45. S8 had been struggling that day, feeling down with everything going on and H could tell. H sat down with him on the couch and told him that he shouldn't worry about any of this, that me and him would figure everything out and that it was our job as parents to worry, not his. He and S8 left to take our dog for a walk and I made S8 dinner. We ML again that night. The next morning before I got up to take a shower, I went and laid with H on the couch and we just held each other for about an hour. I asked him if this was okay and he said yes.
H worked Wednesday night so we didn't see him, and I didn't expect to see him last night either but when we came home from work he was there. He asked if we had any plans and I told him no, he said he wanted to go rock climbing but that he was tired. I said no worries. He said his next day off we should all go and I said that sounded great. He and I flirted all night and at one point he even came up while I was in the kitchen and grabbed my butt (I just felt so weird typing that). The 3 of us watched a movie together and then we put S8 to bed. H and I finished watching a movie together and then I made tea. He was tired so I was going to go back to my room, but I asked if I could lay with him. He said yes. I laid next to him but something inside me didn't feel right. When we started to ML, my heart just wasn't in it. I felt like maybe I was pushing myself on him too much, or maybe I shouldn't have asked to lay with him. H kept asking if I was okay and said he could tell I wasn't in it. After we were finished I got dressed, said good night, and walked back to my room. I laid there for about 5 minutes before I got up and walked back out to the couch. I apologized to H and told him I didn't want to seem rude or cold. He said I wasn't and that it was okay.
I should have just left it at that but I didn't. I said that I just didn't want to make him uncomfortable, and didn't want it to seem like I was throwing myself at him. He said it didn't seem like that and that he didn't want me to think that he expected sex every time he came over. H said maybe we should cool it for while because it was confusing things. I agreed, and told him I would give him space and distance. That it was hard, because I felt like we gave each other mixed signals. H agreed, and said that it's so easy for us to flirt and enjoy each others company. H also said that he knows he is giving me mixed signals because he is the one who took all the action with D and now he is hanging out at the house a lot. He says he doesn't know what he wants and he is taking his life one day at a time. I said that I know he enjoys being here but that I know he also enjoys being gone. He agreed with me. I tried to reassure him that I have no expectations of him and that I know he is confused. He said he doesn't know what's in the cards for us. He's been lonely and loves being in our house with S8 and I, but some days he thinks he might be happier. I tried to cut off the R talk by saying that I wasn't looking for answers or asking for anything from him. He said he knows, and that I haven't asked him for anything in months. Then I said well I just wanted to make sure he wasn't feeling uncomfortable and that I wasn't being rude by leaving immediately after we finished. He said I could never be rude, and that old W could be, but not the new me. That I've changed so much.
This morning when I woke up I didn't go lay with H. I got up and showered, then went about my morning. When I walked out to the kitchen, he said good morning and I said good morning back. He asked how I slept and I said good. I asked how he slept and he said, just okay. H said that he was worried about me last night. I asked why and he said because I think too much. I said that was nice of him to worry about me. He said of course, because he cares about me.
Then I went to wake S8 up and H got ready to leave. He kissed S8 on the cheek and told me to tell him he would call tonight.
So I know, I know. I am completely failing on boundaries. I initiated R talk (didn't mean to), and I am not showing H a confident, strong, happy W. This week has been so confusing. The hand holding, the cuddling, the ML. The fact that H STILL says he's confused. The fact that he has spent the last 4 nights at our house. UGH. I don't know what I'm doing friends. But I am guessing some 2x4s are in order? I'm bracing myself...
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
