Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #5)

[Little]

Recap courtesy of my last thread, #4:

- He cheated on me not once, but twice
- He left me to move in with another woman
- He lied about all of it, including that there was no one else, that he was sleeping with someone but not in an R with her, that he wasn't moving her into our apartment when I left, so on and so forth [now they're buying a house, golly gee, that was quick!].

Add to that that he only sees negative in all of the years he and I R'd and while he seems to think I'm an "amazing person" he's adamant that he and I together "just don't work".

We're NC, he refuses to speak to me, which is fine and dandy. Jerk (I'm in the anger stage).


Tally ho.

[Little]

Moved from my last thread which is about to close:

normal - I hope - I thought I was alone. I feel like if I ever told anyone about these thoughts, I would be locked up.

Thanks

It certainly does feel like losing one's grip on reality, doesn't it? Like you're losing your mind.

No - it's normal but I think society doesn't like things that aren't pretty. People avoid other people's emotions and their messes. When crap hits the fan in your life, you find out who your true friends are by who's willing to support you when you're on the floor.

I've always been super willing to be vulnerable and super open with my emotions, which I take a lot of guff for. People assume that if you don't pick yourself up by your boot straps and hide your pain, you're thought of as weak and whiny.

To me, this is humanity. We all go through tough things and we all react and cope differently. For anyone to look down on someone else for having emotions and displaying them is stupid.

I say cry in the middle of a crowded street if you're feeling it. THAT'S strength.

[Jefe]

I've always been super willing to be vulnerable and super open with my emotions, which I take a lot of guff for. People assume that if you don't pick yourself up by your boot straps and hide your pain, you're thought of as weak and whiny.

I say cry in the middle of a crowded street if you're feeling it. THAT'S strength.

I feel weak and whiny.

Haven't done the crowded street yet, but having tears stream down my face while I was explaining our situation to my D7's 1st grade teacher was a new low for me.

[Little]

So that's your goal: stop living your life by what others think of you.

Buddhists say that what other people think of you is none of your business and is not to be worried over. Hehehehe.

Counter-intuitive, I know. Like DBing!

[Dawn70]

Excellent advice: stop living your life according to what others think. I must use that!

[Mozza]

I wouldn't cry for years, although I admit that I would hide it if a movie or the kids made me feel emotional. But now, it's like I'm sitting on the Cry button. I used to think I cry 10 times a day, but I realize it's probably more like 50-60 times. Some can be quite short, like 5 seconds. Two or three times a day, it can be a full-blown crisis (often in bed). I always cry in the shower. I've done the street, parties, workplace, etc. All of them.

But now I'm tired of it. I'm afraid it has become a habit, my way of responding by default to my sitch. While it's healthy to cry a few times, I wonder if there's a point where it's my self-pity that kicks in. In fact, I noticed that I often feel sorry for myself when I cry ("I lost half my kids. My wife has left me. I've been dumped for a man 10 years younger. I'm a single dad now." etc). Thinking about what I need to do doesn't make me cry. Perhaps my focus is at the wrong place?

Crying is much better than drinking, becoming violent, getting in debt, etc. But at the moment, I'm wondering if there's such a thing as crying too much.

[Little]

If it's negatively affecting your life rather than being a release, yes. You can't use it as a crutch to continue to wallow.

As they say, too much of a good thing....



Also, my boss called me earlier and asked if I'd facilitate our huge move going on next month. I'll be the go-to person for any SNAFUs or problems, until things are settled in and everything is working properly. If something's not working that should be, I'll go check it out and start the process rolling to the proper department to get it fixed.

It's temporary change in work duties, but it's a perfect match for my natural skills, so I'm kind of excited about it!

[jim0987]

Your doing brilliantly little. That's all I wanted to say.

[Little]

Couple of things I stumbled upon that I'd like to recall for later use:

"You don't control emotions. You feel them. Emotions are there for a reason, to tell you something about a situation. All situations, no matter what you think they are, are essentially neutral. Things happen. Then you have a response. Emotions will arise first as to how to handle the event and then in response to your handling of the event. If something "makes" you feel bad, it is not the event creating your emotions. It is you and your actions and your response to the situation.

Now as part of the human condition we do not like to look deeply at ourselves and our actions or lack of actions. For that reason we will "shift" responsibility of our feelings to the situation. "You made me angry, it is your fault for pissing me off".

When we ignore our initial emotions, they will simmer, perhaps be suppressed, build up, until they turn into something else we cannot ignore. Then when they do come out it is often in an uncontrollable fashion that often is inappropriate to the situation that triggered them.

At this point you want to control them, probably by suppressing them better, but suppression is never the answer. The answer is always to listen to their message when they initially arise and take appropriate action. That may not be possible, but by listing to them you can understand their message and then look for the proper opportunity to take action."

"You can't choose how you feel as a response to something that actually just happened. That's true. But 1 second after it happens, it's just a memory. Do you keep recalling that memory? If so, then the feeling is maintained. You dwell on it, maybe even adding some imagination to the mental activity? Then the feeling is increased. You focus your mind on something else? The feeling also fades away.

The thing is, it's not as easy as it sounds. Deliberately controlling your focus of attention is hard (anyone who ever tried meditating for even 5 minutes will know). That's why the Buddha taught samatha meditation. The more we practice, it will be easier (and even might need less deliberate effort)."

"My understanding is one of "offense can only be taken, not given". With that as a fact, one can practice by realizing that since everything - including your emotional state - is transitory and impermanent, there is no need to become so attached to an event that you let it affect your mood."

[Little]

This, one, too! It was written in response to someone else but the message is powerful to me:

My personality and relationship background are very different from yours, however the central dynamic you're talking about hits me right in the gut. Been there so many times.

Short answer: In Buddhist terms, you're suffering because of Wrong View.

Long answer: I'll share with you the little bit wisdom that I've acquired on this issue. I discovered that the core issue here is self-esteem. The pain is really you feeling that you're powerless to create your own happiness in life. You believe the other person has that power, and so you desperately need them or else your life has no meaning. This is complete delusion. On many levels.

She's an impermanent, flawed person who pees, poops, farts and belches. Seriously, take time to visualize this (it's similar to an actual meditation that the Buddha taught, in fact he went more hardcore and asks you to imagine her as a decaying corpse...yeesh). She's not a goddess, she's human just like you. She's not the answer to your problems, she is--and I think the Buddha would agree with this--just another bundle of problems.

"But I want that!" Again, wrong view. How could you want something that will only bring you more suffering? You can't, you can only want something that you desperately want to believe is perfect and has no flaws. That's why the Buddha taught that where there is craving, there is wrong view; and where there is right view, craving ceases automatically. You SEE what the case really is, and automatically you don't want it.

What you need to practice is a "Middle Way" of self-esteem. The Buddha taught that physically to starve and torture yourself will not bring you enlightenment, but neither will pigging out and spoiling yourself with luxury. You need to find that middle ground of self-esteem where you believe in yourself enough that you feel you do have the power to achieve your goals, but not esteem yourself so much that you inflate your sense of self and become egotistical.

You already have Buddha-nature. Happiness, true happiness, is there already within you at all times. The Buddhist path is basically removing all the things we try to replace that original Buddha-nature with, the things we mistakenly make out to be sources of happiness. There is only one source of happiness, and it's nothing outside of you.

Also, don't beat yourself up. In Buddhist terms, you didn't lose a big opportunity--you dodged a bullet. In your current state of mind, there was no way that situation would've ended happily. Find peace and happiness within first, then see if you can relate to others from that place of strength first. Otherwise you're just like a druggie looking for a fix, not a human being looking to express compassion or true love.