It's amazing how much I crave human contact now. Just being around friends has become a lifesaver. I've always had good friends, but I remained an introvert at heart. Now since BD I can't get enough of other people. That even goes for our mutual couple friends. They're fun to be around in and of themselves, and they're a bonding experience for us. I'm not sure I won't miss them more than I'd miss her if we D. My W actually finds my need for friends to be an attractive quality.
That's one reason I'm so active on here even when there's not much to report, because I feel like I've gained my own online tribe.
W is often apologetic for the mess we're in, but I don't feel a lot of genuine remorse from her. Maybe it's my own defenses, but I think she's also deep in he dopamine fantasy where she can rationalize anything. She also resents the hell out of me for my role in our M sitch. I think that's what hurts as much as anything, that this formerly big-hearted woman who once called me her soulmate doesn't feel much genuine warmth towards me, even when she's outwardly affectionate. I hope I'm mind-reading a little bit here. I'd like to think she's more conflicted than she seems. She acts like I don't deserve to be angry with her for her unfaithfulness, because I was such a lousy husband. How do we work past that?
Last edited by Rzrback; 12/23/1406:54 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
W is often apologetic for the mess we're in, but I don't feel a lot of genuine remorse from her. Maybe it's my own defenses, but I think she's also deep in he dopamine fantasy where she can rationalize anything. She also resents the hell out of me for my role in our M sitch. I think that's what hurts as much as anything, that this formerly big-hearted woman who once called me her soulmate doesn't feel much genuine warmth towards me, even when she's outwardly affectionate. I hope I'm mind-reading a little bit here. I'd like to think she's more conflicted than she seems. She acts like I don't deserve to be angry with her for her unfaithfulness, because I was such a lousy husband. How do we work past that?
I could use some help with that, myself. I feel very abandoned by BF and the only thing I'm seeing is an outward display of "I don't care" from him. He even tells friends things like, "I know I cheated on her, but you have to understand....". Um....no.
I can't imaging doing the things he's done in the way he's done them after all the time we spent together as friends, confidants and lovers without feeling some sense of guilt or remorse. But he's doing it.
You work past it one day at a time, though. No matter how your sitch (or my sitch) plays out. Let go of the things you can and work on the most important bits in small bite-sized pieces.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
From what I read around here, you never mention you've seen a lawyer. It sounds antagonistic, like you're after her, and she won't react well. Well, how would you react if she told you she saw a lawyer? There you go. It's like a threat and takes your focus away from improving your M to defending yourself.
I don't understand why you'd go down this road now. You have one of the most promising sitches on these boards.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Maybe it is promising, and there's a lot of indicators that it is, but my PMA has been flagging recently.
She is usually warm and upbeat, although openly confused. She apologizes to me all the time for this mess, but I don't know how remorseful she really is. She only gets nasty when I challenge her. I need to SFTU about OM more. I let myself get sucked into that last night.
I saw a lawyer weeks ago, like I said, just for an initial consult.
I vaguely remembered someone saying that it was a bad idea to mention that until necessary; and we're not there yet.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
W is often apologetic for the mess we're in, but I don't feel a lot of genuine remorse from her
.
I remember the attitude and tone of voice that I used when I told my H I didn't set out to hurt him. Embarrassing. He could have turned it around and ask me what I thought I was setting out to do when I became involved with OM.
Unless it is some kind of revenge A, I would go as far to say the WAW is not giving serious thought about the pain she is causing her H while she's in the A, b/c she is so wrapped up in her own feelings. She knows what she is doing is wrong b/c she tries to hide it. I think the thrill is what drives her, and the fantasy clouds her rational thinking. She is not unconscious, she is just very self centered and feels justified to the degree it over-rides how it will affect her H and children.
If she will do the right thing, her feelings will follow, and in time, she should feel truly sorry for the hurt and damage she caused.
Quote:
Maybe it's my own defenses, but I think she's also deep in he dopamine fantasy where she can rationalize anything. She also resents the hell out of me for my role in our M sitch. I think that's what hurts as much as anything, that this formerly big-hearted woman who once called me her soulmate doesn't feel much genuine warmth towards me, even when she's outwardly affectionate.
Can you give her time to get herself straightened out? If she was able to bounce back that quickly, I would have serious doubts about her. This will be agonizing for her, too. The ironic part I see in many LBH'S is how they are so focused on just getting their W back......and once they do, THEN they start having their own problems with unforgiveness, trust, resentment, etc. You are still in the stage of getting her back, b/c you aren't sure if she is or not. But once you believe she is........don't be surprised if you struggle with some WAS issues yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
D15 knows about OM, at least in insofar that they kissed. Not sure how she found out but our walls are thin. She got angry at W tonight and ripped into her. D15 doesn't want to be around her.
W says that our family is broken. She blames my parents of all things for putting our family in the spot where this happened. Says she refuses to apologize for OM. She's obsessed with her own hurt that got her to this point. Her D is hurting and scared and angry, and my W takes absolutely no responsibility for her decision to get involved with OM.
And things were fine when I left for Wal Mart. I love living in crazyland.
I didn't bend over backwards to comfort W. Stayed across the counter from her, just let her spew. I did say that D15 does not hate her, which is true. D15 is very angry at her. I gave D15 a talk about being respectful, because we're family, even when we don't feel like it.
She's now pulled herself together enough to bake cookies with D10. I think this not trying to fix her is paying off.
Last edited by Rzrback; 12/24/1402:55 AM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
She's mad at D15 because D's opinions are interfering with her quest for "clarity". She resents her own D for being terrified about her family's future. How much self-centeredness can you pack into one person? Geez.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
