I am struggling everyday with this impending divorce. I don't want it, and never did. We weren't the perfect couple - we had our minor problems (mostly fighting, but my therapist says - that is normal in a marriage), but to each other - we were perfect. We were best friends. I know he loved me, and I loved him - I still do. We were one of those "Love at first sight". We met in September, and were married a little less than a year later. We were married for 14 years, and up until the end - he could make my heart flutter, I adored him and thought he adored me, in fact I know he did. We also share a Son.
Our marriage became broken due to an EA. I watched it go on for 5 months, and I felt I was pretty patient and tried to give him time and support that I understood what was happening, but we needed to work it out. I asked, begged him to go to counseling or go to our priest. He wouldn't. I asked him to stop spending time with her, he wouldn't. I asked him to stop spending money on her, he wouldn't (the c.c. debt was climbing very high, he ended up having to file bankruptcy after divorce). He was clearly in love/lust with her. If he wasn't talking about her, he wasn't talking. He completely distanced himself from my son and I, if he wasn't texting her - he was playing games over his phone or computer with her. He told me, she made him happy. She made him feel young (she was 11 years younger than him 27 vs 38). He would say he's never felt that way about anyone before. He would tell me, he liked being around her - he told me he even loved her. It then became nasty, where he would tell me things like "I like her more than I like you, she is fun and makes me feel good about myself". Then he would tell me, I was jealous and selfish for expecting him to stop being her friend. This went on and on.
Finally I asked him, if I gave you the choice - her or me, who would you choose (I regret this now)? He said "That's easy, her - in a heart beat". So, I asked him why he was staying? He said, he wasn't going to - he wanted a Divorce - he didn't love me - never had. So, I said "When are you leaving?" He said Today. And, he did. Just like that, he walked out on his best friend of 14 years - a son, who adored him and thought the world of him - for another woman. Never looking back. Not once. He basically forgot about his son, almost the entire first couple months he was gone. Did very little with him, only time he did was when I would make him feel like a complete SOB for forgetting about his son. He sent no money to us, he withdrew all our money from account - leaving us with nothing. He quit his job, and is still unemployed after all this time.
He filed for divorce a month and a half later. I still wasn't willing to give up hope. I did everything I knew to do, to stop it. I wished I would've reached out for more help and books - first. I didn't. So, I did everything wrong, according to what I read. I cried, I gave him more choices - of course none of them included her and I told him that, I reminded him of what we had, I told him we loved him/missed him. It was stupid - looking back - but, I was desperate.
I would say since about late November -- we've pretty much gone no-contact. It seems more recently, especially on the days he picks up son - he tries to text me, and ask things that really have no importance, but they regard our son - so I have to answer. I can tell though that it really isn't important - he's doing it, just to do it. Sometimes he will try to talk about other things not regarding our son, but it never goes anywhere - never about "us". He truly seems to have moved on, I know he enjoys telling me he has - he tells me how "happy" he is.
To my understanding, he is no longer with the woman he left me for. I think she kicked him out. He is now jobless, and when the money stopped - she stopped. Which I knew would be the case. However - I believe he is now with someone different. For example, when he brings my son home at 9pm. Son says, Dad takes a shower and gets dressed up before he brings me home.. why does he do that so late at night? So, I know what that means. He's meeting a woman.
That hurts me so bad. It's like, I realize that the woman they have an affair with never work out - and I seem to know that - but I'm certain the "second" one will. Because, she wasn't involved in "us" so there is no feelings of -- I know this relationship is wrong, therefore it won't last.
I am still having an extremely hard time with this... I cry most every day, after son is gone or in school. I yearn for him to come home, I have dreams at night - where we reconcile, and tell our families that we're back together. However - we really don't talk much anymore - except for the few times he tries to start conversation over text. I'm just so confused. I don't know how to tell where he is, where I am, and what will happen to us. I want him back and I really don't know why - after everything that happened. I mean, things got very very ugly.
Do these relationships these men in this situation get into, ever work out? Do they ever wake up and realize what they did and gave up, and try to come home? I mean we had a very very good life. I just don't understand why... why did he never try to realize what he did was wrong. Even after the relationship with her ended - why didn't he try to come home and talk, instead he went out and found someone else.
I'm sorry you find yourself here. I know it must be very painful. How very cruel of him to talk openly about OW with you.
My question for you.. Why do you want him back? Has his relationship with your son improved since he initially left? What was good about your marriage and what was bad?
Keep posting. Through your posts we get a better understanding of your situation.
Take care.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Thank you barelyfloating. I appreciate everyones help, especially when I am aware that most everyone here is going through very similar situations, if not worse. So - I appreciate the time to share my story in hopes of receiving some feedback.
I will keep posting, they tell me to post in small frequent posts, so I will end this post, and start a second one - answering your questions. I hope I'm doing this correctly - I'd love to stay.
Why I want him back/good things about our marriage - I was comfortable with him, I knew him - he knew me. We have a son, and I don't want to bring another man into his life (even later) and I don't want him bringing another woman into his life (now or later). We made a vow, that we would be there for one another - in good times and bad. We had fun. We shared interests.
Why I know I shouldn't want him back/Bad things about marriage - He put me second to another woman. He broke many promises and our vows before God. He has been very emotionally abusive throughout this divorce - making sure I knew my self-worth was no good. He made comments about me, about my looks, about my family - and would laugh in my face - telling me, I would spend the rest of my life alone - where I deserved to be. He never tried to do what was right, for our son, me and even himself. I wanted MC. He simply walked out, and impulsively filed for divorce without a second thought. He has made sure that we have nothing, or very little. Anytime I ask him for financial help with buying son something (coat, shoes, etc.) I am told No. He took all our money out, and spent it on him and this woman - until it was gone.
I was his doormat. He was manipulative and mentally controlling. My family says, I was like a puppet on strings - and he would fiddle with my strings to get me to do or act how he wanted me to act. If things didn't work out the way he planned, or if I ever tried to stand up for myself - he would, tear me down - by telling me, I had mental issues (and I don't), but I believed him and almost felt like I was going insane b/c I didn't see it - but he swore it was true. This is something I have gone over and over with my therapist, b/c I went to him crying that I was mentally ill - because my husband said so, and I don't know whats wrong with me. It took a month of therapy, just to get it through my head - that there was nothing wrong with me. I was convinced there was. I've never had any kind of mental issues until now. Now, I suffer from situational depression (therapist calls it), and doctors have tried putting me on something to help.
I wasn't a perfect wife, I'm not trying to throw all this on him. I certainly had my fair share of faults. One thing I know I could've done better with, is keeping the house cleaner. He was OCD, and it drove me nuts how obsessive he was about it, and I got burned out on it at times - and sometimes would let the house get messier than I should've (never dirty! But, messy or not picked up all the time). I also struggled with eating out a lot. I am not one who likes to do much cooking, but he knew this before he married me. I made that clear that I wasn't one who did a lot of cooking, I preferred eating out - and cooking at home only sometimes. So, I probably could've been better with that and tried a little harder. I'd say we ate out, about 2-3 times a week (2-3 days out of 7). So, not horrible - but too much.
But - we made it work, and we were happy. We were happy for 14 years living like that. I don't believe, that those 2 issues were what caused this to happen. If they were, it was his responsibility to tell me so - and I would've fixed it - I would've done anything to save our marriage. Why? Sometimes listening to the bad, I don't know why.
I'm sorry - I'm not good at posting in small frequent posts. I think I might be able to respond a little better if I had something to respond to on this thread. Am I supposed to be responding to other threads as well? Maybe that is it?
I hope you are feeling better now. It is so very hard when your life and family are turned upside down. Just do your best to take care of your son and yourself. One thing I tell myself is I have a 100% track record of getting through tough times. Somehow, things do workout.
I am also new and still on moderation - hoping to get off soon so I can post and maybe get some help.
Me: 53, Wife: 49 Separated November 24, 2014 I think we are piecing. She wants to stay married/committed & LAT (Living Apart, Together)
