To be clear, I haven't asked her to unfriend or block him, at least in the last couple of months. For her to take positive steps like that will require her to decide that it's important enough. She's not there yet.
Ironically, her friending him on FB was one of the first times that cracks started to appear in her fantasy. She started seeing all these pictures of OM and his W together, affectionate comments, etc. She started to realize that OM was married to an actual human being. It spurred her first attempt to go NC with him.
Still not a good idea to keep him on FB. The MC even said something about it last session. It'll be a decision W has to make, though.
Last edited by Rzrback; 01/16/1507:20 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
To be clear, I haven't asked her to unfriend or block him, at least in the last couple of months. For her to take positive steps like that will require her to decide that it's important enough. She's not there yet.
. . .
Still not a good idea to keep him on FB. The MC even said something about it last session. It'll be a decision W has to make, though.
Yes, that's true. It's also just as true that YOU get to make a decision, too, and that is: whether or not it works for you to remain in a marriage where your wife is still in contact with her OM.
Knowing that second part is what gives us the confidence to properly DB, and lose the overwhelming sense of powerlessness that grips us when we first get bomb-dropped.
Yes, that's true. It's also just as true that YOU get to make a decision, too, and that is: whether or not it works for you to remain in a marriage where your wife is still in contact with her OM.
Knowing that second part is what gives us the confidence to properly DB, and lose the overwhelming sense of powerlessness that grips us when we first get bomb-dropped.
Precisely. She's far more afraid of losing me at this point than I am of losing her. It's very obvious in her actions and her rhetoric. Changes the balance of power just a bit.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I was thinking about an incident that happened the other night. We were having an intense but somewhat productive R talk, not spew. She was crying, I was holding her, when she suddenly started talking about how she was in love with OM, and she couldn't feel that way about me.
I immediately moved away from her, and told her in as calm a tone as I could muster, that I'm not going to waste my time pursuing a woman who clearly doesn't want me. If that was truly how she felt, then I wanted her to let me go so I can build my own life. I'm not going to be there keeping her bed warm and holding her while she professes her love for someone else (I don't really consider it "love", but that was the language I used). No tears on my part, no self-pity, just "if that's reality, then let's recognize it and move on".
She immediately back tracked on a lot of her statements, started talking about good things about our relationship, and how she wanted to continue counseling. I should also mention that I got sexually attacked later that night.
As soon as I present the possibility of me moving on, she starts to cling.
Last edited by Rzrback; 01/17/1504:59 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
It was from the mlc forum - and mentions "mlc partner," or something like that - but "the dance" applies to anyone here.
I have read this and I do see the dynamic going on here. I haven't applied everything listed there, but the things I have applied do seem to work. As soon as I distance myself in any way, she tries to close the distance.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
