Seperated and she is with someone - I'm desperate

[paul19510]

Vdubber, you used the word fear again. There is nothing to fear. You have essentially already lost you M and your W. Move forward with that in mind and try to find things that you would enjoy. You gave W money to travel. What about you? Why stay home. Travel...meet new friends.....you mentioned being lonely....I understand that. GAL plans will help with that stuff.

You also mention getting to the phase where you two are talking and you can 180.....its great to think positive. Unfortunately, you will find that just reading things by MWD and believing in M may not be enough. There's. No magic bullet. Some people's. Spouses never come back...not even to talk. Its not a given.

I am not saying this to be mean. I simply want you to understand that what you had...the person that you knew..thats done now.

In a very real sense, she gave you a gift. You now get time to fine tune yourself. If she doesn't decide to recognize your hard changes than surely someone else will benefit from all that you will become as you work through this.

The best "revenge " is a life well lived. She walked away from you and it hurts. Find joy in the blessing you do have and show the world (and you W) that vdub has a lot of life to live. Its a win-win situation. You get to make new friends..do whatever pleases you for fun (within the law of course)...and you either attract your W or some other lucky woman. You cannot lose...peace.

[vdubber]

Thank you Paul, I appreciate your advice and input. I did go last night to watch a bunch of co-workers bowl and had a pretty good time. Actually had a female co-worker who somehow seems to know what's going on tell me she wants me to meet a friend of hers. I said thank you but I'm not ready for that just yet. I need to keep reading and learning to change me for the better.

It's Friday and unfortunately i don't have any GAL plans for this weekend which has me a bit stressed as I don't want to just sit around thinking, no good comes of that.

today is day 9 of NC...I do hope for the day I don't count the days. I really miss my kids as I haven't seen them since Monday morning and I used to always stop and see them on my way to work on the weeks she had them, funny how just a quick hug and telling them I love them and have a good day at school did the trick. Not seeing or hearing from them has been very hard on me this week.

At this point I need to get through the weekend and through next week (valentines day).

[vdubber]

I'm really struggling with a desire to write WAW a letter acknowledging the things I saw in our M which I believe led us to where we are, I've not necessarily acknowledged any of this although I have told her I understood there were many things that I didn't do correctly in our M and would change if given the opportunity.

I know the response from this forum would be not to write anything as it won't make a difference. I like many men would clam up and not talk if we had differences, she felt/feels I'm passive agressive which I agree I have been on occassions and i do worry that she may see my NC as another passive/agressive approach even though that's certainly not why I'm staying away.

BTW, i can't hardly turn on the radio anymore. Can't anyone write lyrics that don't somehow make you feel bad and realize what you've lost?

[edz]

Hi vdubber

Please.dont.

I know this feeling...Go back..read my early threads.

Its very very unlikely to help and you'll feel exactly the same or worse while writing it and afterward.

Please shout at furniture scream have a conversation with yourself first it will help more. This is something to talk about but not where you are right now. I know it hurts so much but you will grow through it.

Hold on in there..

[vdubber]

Thank you edz...i have read your posts and try to keep up with them. I will go back through as i need that reinforcement. It's like I know what the right thing to do is but i'm fighting myself over it. I'm so incredibly lonely as I'm sure are many/most people on this forum. I just need to convince myself there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm about 1/3 into DB book so I need to press on. I see my IC in an hour so I'll share with her as well. A couple of weeks ago my WAW had said she would go see my C with me but I think her intentions would be to try to make me feel better about her not wanting M. That isn't going to help me. If she wanted to go and talk about us and steps I would be thrilled but I suspect that isn't the case so I haven't brought it up again.

I really do read each person's posts...become a sort of theurapeutic addiction for me I think as I know I'm not alone and somehow sharing pain seems to make things bearable at times.

[sandi2]

I need to convince myself to stay the course. And ur right I don't know how she thinks anymore. She has changed so much it's incredible and disturbing. I feel she's been spiraling out of control for a long time and has landed in a place and with friends that are all similar and support who she is now.

What do you see as "staying the course". A lot of men talk about fighting for their M. What you see as fighting for it, might not be effective methods. For example, how many men believe talking to the W and getting her to see things "right", or convince her to give it another chance......is fighting for the M? I bet you do, too. It does not work with a WW.

I cant help but think it will take a miracle for her to break out of where she is enough to see a path forward with me. But I truly love her and I'm nowhere near ready to give up hope.

You do not have to convince anyone how much you love her, and i don't think anyone here on the board will tell you to give up hope.

About it taking a miracle..........I don't believe it works like that. The "miracle" that brings her out to find her path is called "reality bites". And the only way you can help her is by not rescuing her, not enabling her, not being available, and not acting like her BFF, etc. B/c the longer the LBH does those things while she is in this place, the less likely she will come out of it, and at best......prolongs it.

I'm really struggling with a desire to write WAW a letter acknowledging the things I saw in our M which I believe led us to where we are, I've not necessarily acknowledged any of this although I have told her I understood there were many things that I didn't do correctly in our M and would change if given the opportunity.

Look, a lot of men have done the letter writing. If you want to put your feelings down on paper for your own therapy, fine. But do not give her any letters. Do you want to know the best response you will get from her? "Thanks", and that's all. It will have no effect on the situation. You are still trying to fix this, b/c you think you are sitting around doing nothing to fight for her.

You have to stop thinking about this as "winning", as you previously stated. This is not a competition, and some men get so focused on winning back the WAW instead of working on themselves........and then it leads to other problems.

You must get ous[/b] about working that calendar and filling it with GAL activities. The fact you felt weird and uncomfortable being out without your W, should show you how dependent you have become on the MR itself. You need to find your own identity again. Who are you, besides someone's daddy? What did you use to enjoy before you became someone's H?

I know it is hard to do, b/c mainly, you feel self-conscious about being alone when you go somewhere. People tend to use their spouse as a social crutch. So, take advantage of your time away from the kids and do things you couldn't, otherwise. Then when you have them, do things they enjoy. Just get out of that house and stop sitting around feeling your loneliness.

I like many men would clam up and not talk if we had differences, she felt/feels I'm passive agressive which I agree I have been on occassions and i do worry that she may see my NC as another passive/agressive approach even though that's certainly not why I'm staying away.

Heard it all before. Still doesn't work b/c the timing is off. You waited too late. You may get another chance if she pulls through this and is ready to hear it, but now is not the time.

You worrying what she may think about you NC is your fear talking. Do not give in to this feeling.

BTW, i can't hardly turn on the radio anymore. Can't anyone write lyrics that don't somehow make you feel bad and realize what you've lost?

Yes, I can believe it. That is why I loved the old rock-n-roll. It had a great beat and made no sense. However, it was hard to feel sad when you listened to it.

Get you some upbeat CD's to play. Watch movies that are funny, suspenseful, or action packed. Don't enable your loneliness/sadness. You actually have to guard against the loney and sad evenings by planning ahead and working at filling in the gaps so that you are not quite so vulnerable at whatever falls on you. And then if you should hear or see something that causes a few bad moments, you experience the feeling, and then do something to help yourself move on. Don't just wallow in it.

[edz]

Good stuff vdubber, good stuff.

Go talk with ic and post back later

[edz]

Get you some upbeat CD's to play. Watch movies that are funny, suspenseful, or action packed. Don't enable your loneliness/sadness. You actually have to guard against the loney and sad evenings by planning ahead and working at filling in the gaps so that you are not quite so vulnerable at whatever falls on you

Oh yes, this. Go to Amazon/Spotify/record shop (do they still have those? ;)) and pick an upbeat genre you dont normally listen to, get a load play em loud. Been working through music from my stepsister (younger) which was....interesting... But no memory attachments and catch myself boogieing around the kitchen at times (again vdubber compare that with my early threads if you think you'll always feel this way).

Be silly, be daft, be a child (in the fun way not churlish way), be fun, find and be you!

[vdubber]

thank you both so much...i needed to hear this. i will update after IC this afternoon.

[vdubber]

Just a quick update after mtg with IC. She was very happy to hear about the NC as she felt it was the first time I've tried to establish boundaries. She also wants me to get out but is encouraged with the reading and learning I've done and thought I was in a much healthier place than when I saw her last about 10 days ago. She warned me that W and I have been codependent over our M and to expect my NC and trying to establish boundaries may prompt her to be angry and to prepare for communication from her at some point in this regard to which I should not respond.

I will continue to meet with her every week now for the time being and i think paired with this forum and the reading should help me to keep growing into who I need and want to be. I still broke down in tears so I didn't hold up as well as I had hoped but I appreciate having her and know I need to be open and honest with her both good and bad.

I was invited to meet coworkers for happy hour so I may once my eyes look a bit better so as not to look like a bawl baby. I want to express my heartfelt gratitude for those of you that have given me advice and support as well as those that I read their own stories of what they have been and are currently going through. It means more than I can really express at this time and does make a difference.